Party of one: Why record numbers of Americans are going it alone
| New York
When Hilary Reiter left New York City 20 years ago and moved to Park City, Utah, she didn鈥檛 think she would still be single two decades after moving out West.
Even as the number of single adults across the country continues to reach unprecedented levels, Ms. Reiter says she never made a 鈥減roactive decision鈥� to forgo marriage and live alone. In some ways, she鈥檚 remained unattached into her 40s due to happenstance.
鈥淏ut I also think there鈥檚 more to it than that,鈥� says Ms. Reiter, who has never lived with a romantic partner. 鈥淚 was never one of those girls who wanted the 300-person wedding and white wedding dress. I am staunchly independent, and maybe one of my weaknesses is my inability to compromise. I like having my own space; I like being able to come and go as I please and not have to accommodate somebody else.鈥�
Why We Wrote This
Laws, finances, employment, even dinner parties are still stacked in favor of couples, but nearly half the adult U.S. population is now single. And more of them say they are tired of being told to pair up to fulfill their pursuit of happiness.
鈥淚 guess I also like not having any drama,鈥� she says. 鈥淚 feel like so many of my relationships were just dramatic and full of heartbreak. Some of them were pretty toxic.鈥�
The number of single adults in the U.S. has been rising steadily since the 1950s, researchers say, when about 1 out of 4 adults were unmarried 鈥� and many were single men who migrated west to work in places like Alaska. Back then, as for most of human history, there remained a deep-seated social expectation that after coming of age, most full-functioning adults would find a vocation, get married, and start a family.聽聽
Today, however, nearly half the adult population is single 鈥� about 128 million Americans. This demographically diverse and socially mixed group includes people at different stages of their lives, as well as single parents, LGBTQ individuals, romantic partners who cohabitate, and those simply waiting longer to find the right person.聽
Yet more and more people are finding that they may just prefer living solo 鈥� even if they also feel the weight of a society whose social rituals and legal traditions have been built around a world expecting couples and the families they start.聽
In 2020, nearly 4 out of 10 adults between ages 25 and 54 were neither married nor living with a partner 鈥� a 30% increase since 1990, according to a recent Pew Research Center . More significantly, the number of single-person households in the U.S. has doubled from 18.2 million in 1980 to 36.1 million today, or about 28% of the nation鈥檚 total, . An additionalhomes are headed by a single parent, the number in 1965.
Current Population Survey, Annual Social and Economic Supplement, 1967-2021; Pew Research Center
鈥淭here are few truly revolutionary transformations in the way that we live as human beings, and this is one of them,鈥� says Eric Klinenberg, a noted social thinker at New York University and the author of 鈥淕oing Solo: The Extraordinary Rise and Surprising Appeal of Living Alone.鈥澛�
鈥淚t鈥檚 鈥榚xtraordinary鈥� because in the history of our species until the middle of the 20th century, there was never a society that sustained large numbers of people living alone for long periods of time,鈥� he says.
When she was in her 20s Ms. Reiter was living in Manhattan鈥檚 Lower East Side, working in the music industry and just beginning her career in public relations. After 9/11, however, she had an opportunity to work three months for the Sundance Film Festival.
鈥淚 figured, OK, I鈥檒l go to Utah for three months, I鈥檒l experience the glitter of Sundance, I鈥檒l ski my heart out, and then I鈥檒l go back,鈥� Ms. Reiter says. 鈥淏ut then I never went back. The quality of life here was just too good.鈥澛�
Although there were far more single men than women in Park City, most were involved in the city鈥檚 ski and tourism industry, she says, and few attracted her in a deep way.
She found that living alone simply suits her 鈥� even if she hasn鈥檛 ruled out the possibility of meeting someone, someday. Still, one of the biggest drawbacks, she says, is the not-so-subtle social stigma surrounding being single at her age, especially since she鈥檚 a woman.
鈥淪ometimes you don鈥檛 get invited to certain gatherings because you don鈥檛 have a significant other, and I think people feel 鈥� I don鈥檛 know, they ask questions like, 鈥楢re you dating anyone?鈥� And if you鈥檙e not, 鈥榃hy aren鈥檛 you dating anybody?鈥欌�� says Ms. Reiter, who in 2010 launched her own marketing and public relations firm in Park City.聽
鈥淣ow I kind of feel compelled to correct some of the myths out there that, you know, single people are miserable and that we鈥檙e unfulfilled in our lives,鈥� she says. 鈥淪ome of us are very satisfied being single and would kind of like to set the record straight on that.鈥�
Dr. Klinenberg, too, expected to find groups of isolated, lonely, and depressed people when he first began to study the steady rise of single adults over two decades ago. 鈥淭he general conversation about people living alone at the time was that it was an alarming sign of social atomization, or that there must be something wrong with people who lived alone,鈥� he says.
鈥淪o I thought I was going to be writing a book about an emerging social problem,鈥� Dr. Klinenberg continues. 鈥淚nstead, what I found was that the majority of the people were actually in pretty good shape and pretty content, and that was surprising to me.鈥�
The reasons for this transformation are in many ways rooted in the revolutionary changes of the modern world. The growing affluence of postwar Western societies made living single a viable possibility for more people, even as modern social support systems began to bolster rising household incomes. At the same time, waves of revolutions in communications technologies allowed people to connect in dramatically different ways than before.聽
One revolutionary transformation driven by the rise of singles, in fact, has been the revitalization of urban life. As younger Americans embraced city living, they in many ways wanted to live alone, together, Dr. Klinenberg says, and spend a lot of time and money in public spaces. Conversely, with so many public social connections, including those online, living alone affords a kind of 鈥渞estorative solitude.鈥澛�
鈥淭here鈥檚 many reasons for the rise of solos, but the number one reason is probably the rise of women, both economically and educationally,鈥� says Peter McGraw, a behavioral economist at the University of Colorado Boulder. 鈥淥nce women are given an alternative path to survive and thrive economically, many of them are going to opt out of the patriarchy. Suddenly getting married and having kids is an option, not the default.鈥�
Brigette Eaton felt for a long time that she didn鈥檛 have many options outside her community鈥檚 expectation that she should marry and start a family.聽
Raised in the traditions of conservative Black Protestantism in Baltimore, Ms. Eaton says she married in 2011 mostly out of religious obligation. She never wanted to have children, 鈥渁nd I never even looked at marriage as a financially beneficial thing. I just looked at it, as you know, essentially what you do in order to not be in sin.
鈥淚 mean, I really love my ex-husband. We were good friends,鈥� says Ms. Eaton, who divorced in 2014. 鈥淚t鈥檚 just that we wanted totally different things in life. It just didn鈥檛 feel right, you know, as they say, feeling right about something in the spirit.鈥�
She wanted to live in the city, and she is committed to her career as a crisis counselor, now in the process of getting her Ph.D. After launching her own private practice two years ago, she鈥檚 become a lot more financially independent. Since the pandemic, too, Ms. Eaton says she doesn鈥檛 feel a deep need for physical intimacy.
She鈥檚 only now starting to find a way to conceive and embrace what now feels like her natural state. As a person of deep faith, Ms. Eaton finds comfort in a passage in I Corinthians, where the Apostle Paul tells those unmarried or widowed that it is better to remain unmarried, like he is.
But she also came across the work of Dr. McGraw, who is building a community through his , 鈥淪olo: The Single Person鈥檚 Guide to a Remarkable Life.鈥�
After listening to an episode about attachment styles, Ms. Eaton had a sudden realization after she scored as an 鈥渁voidant鈥� in relationships: 鈥淚 just want to be single,鈥� Ms. Eaton says. 鈥淎nd then what鈥檚 funny is, I feel, now I don鈥檛 feel alone.鈥�
Dr. McGraw began to study the rising number of single people for deeply personal reasons, he says. A lifelong bachelor in his 50s, he says he had struggled his whole life with being single, experiencing heartbreak and broken engagements along the way.
鈥淚 thought, 鈥榃hat is wrong with me?鈥欌�� he says. 鈥淵ou feel guilty for not wanting this thing that I鈥檓 supposed to want, and now I鈥檓 hurting this person who is being perfectly reasonable about what she wants.鈥�
鈥淚 like dating. I like having relationships,鈥� he says. 鈥淏ut I was very slow to recognize that there鈥檚 a way to be single like that with integrity.鈥�
In his podcast, he often discusses how people can 鈥済et off the relationship escalator鈥� and instead focus on developing deep friendships and meaningful connections, putting aside the assumption that every romantic encounter should, or could, escalate to a potentially lifelong partnership.
In one recent episode, he and his guests analyze 鈥淭he Golden Girls,鈥� discussing how single people are experimenting with housing and re-envisioning living spaces in ways beyond traditional roommates. One guest purchased a five-bedroom house and was remodeling it to include a bathroom in every room.
Social psychologist Bella DePaulo helped pioneer the study of single people with her 2007 book, 鈥淪ingled Out. How Singles Are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After.鈥�
There remain a number of significant structural obstacles, says Dr. DePaulo.
Much of her work has detailed what she calls 鈥渟inglism,鈥� including various employment practices, tax perks, and and social traditions that benefit married couples.
She had already established herself as an expert in the psychology of lying and detecting lies in the mid-1990s when she started talking to some of her single colleagues about the slights they often faced, such as being asked to cover courses in time slots married faculty didn鈥檛 want, or when coupled friends 鈥渄emoted鈥� invitations to lunch instead of dinner.
鈥淭he informal slights were already bad enough,鈥� Dr. DePaulo says. 鈥淎s a single person, I was being treated as though I was not fully adult, as if my time and even my life just wasn鈥檛 as important or as valuable as married people鈥檚. In my conversations, I found that other people were feeling the same way.鈥�
In many ways, advocates for single people follow the same road maps as a generation of LGBTQ advocates: Why can鈥檛 good friends share the advantages of couples when it comes to health care plans, filing taxes jointly, or designating each other as beneficiaries for benefits such as Social Security?聽
She often cites former Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy鈥檚 in Obergefell v. Hodges, legalizing same-sex marriage: 鈥淢arriage responds to the universal fear that a lonely person might call out only to find no one there.鈥�
鈥淲hat Justice Kennedy said was so stigmatizing of single people and single life,鈥� she says. And while she fully supports marriage equality, 鈥淚 want single people, regardless of their gender identity or sexual orientation, to be included in the progress that is made.鈥澛�
Those who are single, in fact, to the civic life of their communities, Dr. DePaulo and others have found.
When Robert Trout was going through a heartbreaking if amicable divorce over a year ago, he says he was feeling both disoriented and lost, envisioning a socially isolated future as a man his age now divorced and single.
鈥淚 was devastated, to be perfectly honest,鈥� he says. 鈥淚 wanted a life with my wife and child. I wanted that dream.鈥�
鈥淚 had all this stuff come up: Shame about failing, experiencing grief, all of it in the forefront emotionally,鈥� says Mr. Trout, the founder of the Experiential Healing Institute in Paonia, Colorado, which helps parents navigate the needs of children with addiction or behavioral issues.
Then he found Dr. McGraw鈥檚 podcast. He was skeptical it might be just another self-help offering. But just having a model for a different kind of life, he says, completely transformed how he understood himself.聽
鈥淛ust through the process of listening, I felt not alone 鈥� which is the great irony of the name: 鈥楽olo,鈥欌�� Mr. Trout says.
Mr. Trout drove five hours to Denver to attend Dr. McGraw鈥檚 鈥淪olo Salon.鈥� He鈥檚 taken small tips to heart, like having clothes tailored or trying new experiences. And now he鈥檚 also meeting his neighbors more, planning projects at home, and engaging in civic activities he hadn鈥檛 even considered before.聽
Ms. Eaton, too, has consciously cultivated deep friendships. 鈥淚 can truly say that the friends I have now God has definitely placed in my life. ... They can give me, you know, as the saying goes, 鈥榬eproof in love.鈥欌��
She鈥檚 also organizing local face-to-face meetups via online apps, putting together virtual book clubs, and organizing events such as outdoor backpacking for beginners.聽
But not every solo is what Dr. DePaulo calls 鈥渟ingle at heart.鈥� Dr. McGraw lays out four categories he's generally found: 鈥淪omedays鈥� think it鈥檚 important to find a lifelong partner; 鈥淛ust Mays鈥� still think they might find someone, but they wouldn鈥檛 feel regret if they didn鈥檛. 鈥淣o Ways鈥� are those not looking at all, and 鈥淣ew Ways鈥� are interested in romantic relationships, but not a traditional one.
Mr. Trout falls into that final category. 鈥淎t my deepest desire, I want to fall in love,鈥� says Mr. Trout. 鈥淏ut what that means is different than it used to mean. I used to think of that as, oh, get married, have kids, get the house, the job, the money. Potentially, I would find someone that, maybe we live in separate households, but we鈥檙e together. We are supporting each other, we鈥檙e traveling together. We are in love.鈥澛�
There are significant drawbacks for those wishing to remain single. It often requires a higher level of affluence and social status, since one of the primary benefits of living as a couple are traditional economies of scale.
鈥淎nd there is a whole generation of single people now who are Gen Xers or older millennials, and what鈥檚 going to happen to us when we鈥檙e old and we don鈥檛 have children to take care of us?鈥� says Ms. Reiter. 鈥淲e don鈥檛 have a spouse to take care of us, or that can give us a sense of purpose as we take care of them. Some of us joke, we鈥檙e probably going to have to have these single-women dormitories when we鈥檙e in our 80s and 90s, or borrow our nieces and nephews often to take care of us.鈥�
Dr. McGraw, too, notes that the rise in singles across the country includes lower-income men 鈥� many of whom are not single by choice, who are starting to be left behind both socially and economically 鈥� a trend also noted in the Pew study.
鈥淲hen you have young men who are adrift, without purpose and without connection, consuming too much pornography and playing too many video games, that is bad,鈥� he says.
鈥淚 was involuntarily celibate in my 20s because I just had no skills,鈥� he says. 鈥淪o some of these men will improve and compete and figure it out. But then the worry is, the guys who don鈥檛 will be the ones who become misogynistic, angry, bitter, and blame women for their situation in life.鈥�
After decades of advocating for those who are 鈥渟ingle at heart,鈥� Dr. DePaulo is starting to see the cultural needle move as single people become more visible and vocal about their needs.聽
鈥淭hey are the people who live their best lives 鈥� their most meaningful, fulfilling, and authentic lives 鈥� by living single,鈥� she says. 鈥淢any of them spent a long time trying to force themselves onto the path of romantic coupling, because they never heard of such a thing as living your best life by living single. That鈥檚 not fair to them. It is also not fair to their romantic partners, who deserve to be with people whose best lives are coupled lives.鈥�
