海角大神

I was singing in a house concert that was going to last way beyond my son鈥檚 bedtime, but never wanting to be left out, my 5-year old insisted on sitting still through all 2 hours of the music. Before it started, I told him that whenever he was tired and ready to be done, he could make a quiet exit and go to sleep in the guest room.

With only one song to go, I saw him lay down his program in his seat and tiptoe his way out of the audience. By the time I got into the guest room to check on him after the music ended, he had brushed his teeth, put on his pajamas, folded his clothes, turned on a reading light, and tucked himself in with a book. He all but pushed up his monocle when I walked in, and said with utmost elegance, 鈥淥h, Mother, I had not anticipated your arrival so promptly."

Knowing him as well as I do, I wasn鈥檛 too surprised鈥�but I was a little. What else was I assuming that he couldn鈥檛 do on his own? 聽The first interactions with my child included the fact he could literally do nothing on his own 鈥� not even hold up his own head. My motherhood instincts took over and I did absolutely everything for him, like any mother would. Of course, children grow and become more independent, but it takes an especially renewed perspective from the standpoint of a parent to see them as capable human beings instead of the little infants who relied on us for everything.

The stakes are getting a little higher as my son gets older and I鈥檓 remembering my own independent childhood, and I鈥檓 not the only one 鈥� articles are popping up everywhere full of opinions spanning the extremes of both helicopter parenting and free-range parenting. 聽

In a column in the Washington Post, Petula Dvorak recounts white-knuckling the time that passed when she gave her two boys, ages 7 and 10, permission to on their own. She makes the argument that the world is in fact safer today than it was a generation ago, but we are so much more keenly aware and fearful of the dangers that it鈥檚 overtaken the simple fact that the only way to help children become more independent is to give them the experiences that allow them to exercise their own abilities and hone the all-important, sometimes elusive trait of common sense. 聽聽

I live about a third of a mile from my son鈥檚 bus stop and his after-school childcare site. 聽Each morning I walk with him to the bus, and each afternoon I walk him home. There are sidewalks along the relatively calm road with no need to cross a street in this safe, family-friendly neighborhood. Do I think he could make this walk on his own at 7-years- old that we鈥檝e made a hundred times together? Absolutely. He might be a little late after he stops to observe a snail climbing a stick for 10 minutes, but I have no doubt that he鈥檇 be safe.

Although I actually love the walk with him, I鈥檝e asked myself several times why I don鈥檛 let him enjoy the pride I know he鈥檇 feel by doing it on his own. My answer every time is, 鈥淏ecause they鈥檇 slay me on the 11 o鈥檆lock news.鈥� This is not my own overly-cautious mother鈥檚 paranoia, either. Recently, a woman in Baltimore had six police squad cars show up on her doorstep after letting on their own. 聽

While my case may not really be news worthy, my overwhelming concern is, what would the other parents think and say? I certainly don鈥檛 see any other children on their own, some of whom are several years older than mine. 聽In other words, it鈥檚 not that I don鈥檛 trust the child or think it鈥檚 a safe trek 鈥� I feel confident in both of those things in spades. It鈥檚 that the shaming I鈥檇 get from this generation of parents that keeps me from allowing him these first steps of independence, and I think it鈥檚 a disservice to my son. 聽

While it鈥檚 an absurd case of severe neglect, the recent story of the two 9-year old boys who lived on their own for several weeks gives some hint to the fortitude and ingenuity of children. This was indeed a very sad thing to have happen to these strong boys, but surely there must be a balance between absolute neglect and stunting our children鈥檚 abilities to discover how to learn for themselves. 聽

The other day, our neighbor was late to pick up his 5-year old daughter at the bus stop, and I happened to have the car that day. It seemed silly to just leave her alone there in the freezing cold while my son and I took off, but we had already waited several minutes. So there we stood in the snow, waiting with her instead of driving her home, because I was too worried that we鈥檇 pass the father on the road, and I鈥檇 have to stop him and say, 鈥淥ver here! I have your daughter in my back seat.鈥� 聽

On one hand, this could seem like a kind, neighborly thing to do. But in today鈥檚 rather alarmist culture among parents, I fear I might have been accused of any number of horrible things. The fear of parental retribution took over what seemed like an otherwise logical thing to do.

Then again, how would I feel if someone stopped me on the sidewalk and said, 鈥淥h don鈥檛 worry, your son hopped right into the car with me when I told him to.鈥� 聽When is a neighbor no longer subject to the 鈥渄on鈥檛 get in the car with strangers鈥� mantra? 聽I might have been taken aback if the roles were reversed, but because of the current culture, it鈥檚 hard to distinguish my reaction from what I鈥檇 expect others to do and how I really felt about the situation. 聽

Perhaps the old African proverb, 鈥渋t takes a village to raise a child鈥� was more applicable when children were walking to the corner store on a regular basis, or encouraged to walk to school by themselves, or even making their own meals, or most important of all, making their own mistakes in a relatively safe environment.

I don鈥檛 yet feel comfortable enough facing the other parents who might see my son walk to the bus stop on his own, but I do feel comfortable enough asking, what can we do to change the culture where we as parents feel more supported in encouraging independence, provided we do it wisely and intuitively? 聽More importantly, how can we help our children have the experiences where they learn how to take pride in their accomplishments, however that looks for each individual child, and help them foster a confident awareness of their own wisdom?

I imagine we all have an inkling of what a generation of adults might look like that were never given the opportunity to test their wings towards independence as children, but we also know that children symbolize the very definition of potential and newness. 聽What has your child learned today that may have passed by you? 聽Given the right tools, only they can imagine what they will be able to do tomorrow.