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Emotional intelligence: Dad steps into son's shoes as he takes a step back

When a dad, who is considered an 'expert' in emotional intelligence, rails on his kid for not doing homework, he steps back to find he might not be putting his expertise into practice.

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Kristin Streff/The Journal-Star/AP
In this Jan. 5, 2015, photo, Sophomore Brady Pham, takes advantage of free time in the media center to do his homework at Northeast High School in Lincoln, Neb.

Recently, I said something like this to my 13-year-old son. If you鈥檙e a parent, or a child of parents, you can probably relate:

鈥淚鈥檝e told you a thousand times, just do your work and we can stop fighting. Why don鈥檛 you just listen to me???? I hate having to shout to get you to pay attention.鈥

Yes, I realize that鈥檚 not a very effective way to communicate.

Yes, I鈥檓 supposed to be an 鈥渆xpert鈥 on emotional intelligence.

Yes, you鈥檙e right, there鈥檚 a total lack of empathy getting in the way.

We recently surveyed several hundred parents about their biggest challenges, and the key emotional intelligence (EQ) skills every parent needs. I found that I鈥檓 not alone in this kind of 鈥渃ommunication train wreck.鈥 The most frequent issue parents said they want to improve: Peaceful communication. The EQ Network created 鈥,鈥 a new free online course to answer these needs.

Creating a collaborative, peaceful relationship with our children is a huge test of emotional intelligence 鈥 and particularly empathy, one of the central skills of the new course.聽 In the example of my 鈥渃ommunication鈥 with my son about homework, there are a number of emotional intelligence failures:

  • I was escalated, so I was reacting unconsciously instead of responding intentionally. Underneath my anger was a feeling of powerlessness and fear. I was scared that he is not self-motivated and won鈥檛 do well.聽 I reacted to the fear by attacking.
  • I was trying to use my force of will to 鈥渕ake鈥 him comply. The first rule of emotional intelligence: When people feel pushed, they resist.
  • I was blaming him, interpreting his lack of interest in homework as a kind of personal attack on me and implying that he was making me behave the way that I behaved.
  • I was focused on what I wanted and my perspective. I was certain that I was 鈥渋n the right,鈥 and therefore he was wrong.

I鈥檇 like to focus on this last point, because it turns out that this lack of perspective-taking 鈥 this lack of empathy 鈥 is the key to unraveling parent-child tension. In the cool light of self-reflection, I can now look back at the exhange and realize that my sense of righteous anger was blocking me from advancing the conversation.

When I increase empathy and relook at the situation with compassion, I see a different story.聽 Perhaps he was afraid, too.聽 Perhaps he felt powerless, too.聽 Perhaps he鈥檚 learned the exact same pattern I鈥檝e modeled: When you鈥檙e afraid, attack.聽 Perhaps our power struggle was simply two people afraid to honestly share their fears.

Of course, writing this hurts. This isn鈥檛 the kind of father I want to be. The good news is that I鈥檓 certain this same pattern will arise again this week.聽 We鈥檒l have a chance, probably many chances, to retry this interaction.聽 Hopefully, tomorrow I鈥檒l remember to take that all-important pause and ask myself: I wonder what鈥檚 really going on for him right now?

That moment of curiosity is the doorway to empathy, and it鈥檚 a game changer.聽 Empathy is not actually a complex skill. As we know from neuroscientists like Marco Iacoboni,聽聽鈥 it鈥檚 a basic part of the social brain.聽 However, as stress increases, it鈥檚 harder for us to access empathy.聽 That little pause of curiosity is a way to step out of the聽, and step into being the person we choose to be.

This article originally appeared on the聽聽blog, published by the Start Empathy project from Ashoka.

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