海角大神

Isabella Flood Wallin, a sophomore in the suburbs of Seattle, misses her freedom.

She鈥檇 take a bus to school and use it to move freely around the city, going with her friends to the International District after school for boba tea or wherever else she needed to be. But with physical distancing in place to fight the coronavirus pandemic, she鈥檚 sometimes felt like a 鈥減risoner鈥� inside her house 鈥� just at the time when 鈥渇eeling parented is the most annoying feeling ever for me,鈥� she says.

It鈥檚 affected her sleep. It鈥檚 heightened her anxiety 鈥� she remembers one night when her father, a surgeon, came home late and she convinced herself he was going to die. It鈥檚 aggravated her relationship with a younger sibling. Some of her friendships, all moved online, have flourished, but others have foundered without face-to-face contact.

鈥淚 feel it鈥檚 really elevated whatever emotions I was already having, especially anxiety,鈥� she says. 鈥淵ou鈥檇 think with the more time you spent with your family that you would feel more connected. And I think it just hasn鈥檛 been true.鈥�

Teens鈥� worlds have been turned upside down at the exact time that they are seeking autonomy and creating their own identity away from the centrality of their family lives.

Many middle-class teens and their parents express gratitude for their relative positions; they know some peers are in much more precarious situations. But, as time grinds on and the shock and novelty of lockdown wears off, they are also mourning what they鈥檝e had to give up, from sports to dance to the daily eye rolls and jabs that are the nonverbal social fabric of adolescent years.

鈥淣ot only are they experiencing all the things that we鈥檙e experiencing, but we鈥檙e taking them away from this very developmentally critical time point in their lives where they鈥檙e supposed to be out of the house and developing these relationships and forming their own identity without their parents,鈥� says Jeff Temple, professor and psychologist at the University of Texas Medical Branch at Galveston.

He says that teens are also finding new ways to be themselves and adapt, even if in isolation, and that parents play a central role in helping them navigate the uncertainty.

Key to that is shifting the dominating narrative about screen time and that it鈥檚 ruining peer-to-peer relationships. In fact, argues Dr. Temple, it鈥檚 the reverse. 鈥淭hey know how to Snapchat with their friends, and FaceTime and text, and that鈥檚 real. And it鈥檚 something that they have been doing their entire lives,鈥� he says. 鈥淎nd so that might be what saves them from the loneliness during this pandemic.鈥�

Going online

Brenna Coughlin is the mother of two adolescent girls, Falon Doyle, age 12, and Morgen Doyle, nearly 17, in Topsham, Maine. And she鈥檚 helping to guide them by following their lead 鈥� something she has at times beheld with a sense of awe when it comes to their tech savvy. 鈥淭hey are so creative with their virtual world together,鈥� she says 鈥� over FaceTime with her girls.

For seventh grader Falon, she misses having a steady stream of friends over, including her best friend, with whom she鈥檇 play outside for hours. But now they鈥檝e shifted playdates to devices, doing riddles and personality quizzes. Sometimes they clean their rooms together online. For Morgen, a gymnast who recently got her driver鈥檚 license and the freedoms that entails, she misses the camaraderie of her team, but she and her friends now do their homework or make TikTok videos together.

This may have garnered a collective adult eye roll before lockdowns that have kept 1.3 billion students out of school around the world, but experts say that鈥檚 been misdirected. Strong online friendships more often predict stronger friendships generally. In , 81% of teen respondents say social media helps them feel more connected, not less, to their friends.

For Isabella, social media hasn鈥檛 always generated positivity, but it鈥檚 been key to coping now. She joined an Instagram movement called Girls of Isolation, founded by her favorite poet. It鈥檚 a collection of self-portraits in quarantine to empower girls. Isabella鈥檚 portrait was posted. 鈥淚 think it鈥檚 been really powerful for me to see this is a worldwide thing, and that people everywhere are experiencing it, so this isn鈥檛 loneliness that is just felt by one person,鈥� she says.

Peter Swanson, who knows teens well from his job as the former chair of the science department at Quincy High School outside Boston, says opportunities are everywhere now that structure is gone. An avid gardener, he is partial to earth-based projects. But whether it鈥檚 physical fitness or academic pursuits, it鈥檚 a unique time when students can define their own goals and interests without the pressures of achievement. 鈥淗ere鈥檚 an opportunity for them to take responsibility for themselves,鈥� he says.

Missing their peer groups

That鈥檚 not to say this is easy on teens, he says, especially those in at-risk social and economic environments.

A weekly poll in April by DoSomething.org revealed that young people said they feel frustrated (62.7%), sad (53.8%), and nervous (50.9%). Parents have watched changes in their teens that have been disconcerting.

Kathy Tonery, a special ed teacher in Pittsburgh and mother of three active boys, has watched her middle child, a 16-year-old social butterfly, close in on himself. 鈥淗e generally is sleeping, sleeping, sleeping, and then he鈥檚 up all night. And I can tell he really misses that socialization. He doesn鈥檛 talk a lot, is very grumpy,鈥� she says. 鈥淚 try to let it go. You want to try and control everything and make everything better.鈥�

But she knows she can鈥檛, and experts agree parents are best off following their children鈥檚 leads and validating their feelings, however hard that might be. They should do it in their own moments of strength, not when they themselves are struggling.

For Julie Brazzell, another Pittsburgh-area parent, it鈥檚 what her boys have missed that hits the hardest in their home. Her eighth-grade twins missed their 鈥済raduation year鈥� from middle school, packing up one day without realizing they鈥檇 not be back before the kids filter off to various high schools. Her junior is missing baseball season, a key year when he hoped to get some recognition that could translate into college scholarship money. 鈥淭hat was a gut punch,鈥� she says.

She says she tries to refocus their attention on what they have: health, financial stability, and a new sense of togetherness. 鈥淏efore, dinner was shoving stuff in a crock pot, and whoever comes in eats something real quick before we have to run somewhere else,鈥� she says. Now there are family meals and game nights.

In the end, it鈥檚 teen optimism and open-mindedness that might be their best buffer in this extraordinary time period. Some might even realize that the academic environment is, actually, not so bad.

Seventh grader Falon, for one, can鈥檛 wait to get back: 鈥淚 am most excited to go back to school. I honestly don鈥檛 care what class, as long as I get to see my friends, and my teachers too.鈥�