Abraham Lincoln, vampire hunter? What if it were true?
In the new movie, 'Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter,' Honest Abe learns that vampires are behind slavery. He gets himself elected president and fights the Civil War to end the fang-toothed scourge.
Southeast High School students Tyrail Smith, left, and Michael Brown take a close look at the life size Abraham Lincoln replica while visiting the Abraham Lincoln Presidential Library and Museum with classmates Friday in Springfield, Ill. Feb. 12 is Lincoln's birthday.
Seth Perlman/AP
Abraham Lincoln鈥檚 been called a lot of things: Honest Abe, Father Abraham, the Great Emancipator, the Rail Splitter, even The Ancient One. But Abraham聽Lincoln, Vampire Hunter? That鈥檚 a not one park rangers at the Lincoln Memorial commonly use.
Yet a new horror/history movie 鈥淎braham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter鈥� opens June 22, and if the just-released trailer is any guide, it鈥檚 going to be a blockbuster. Think Stephen King meets Doris Kearns Goodwin, as filmed by Wes Craven, with a reincarnated Fess Parker in the starring role.
OK, that鈥檚 not exactly the movie鈥檚 provenance. It鈥檚 from a book of the same name, by Seth Grahame-Smith. Benjamin Walker plays Abe.
Mr. Grahame-Smith also wrote 鈥�Pride and Prejudice and Zombies,鈥� which we could never convince our book group to read.聽
The Vampire Hunter story聽is that Abe鈥檚 mother dies mysteriously, apparently due to some supernatural cause. He eventually learns that vampires are behind the South鈥檚 system of slavery. He gets himself elected president and fights the Civil War to end the fang-toothed scourge. Ax-related mayhem ensues.
Lest we of the Pundit鈥檚 Club get uppity about this alleged desecration of our 16th president鈥檚 true story, the Abe/vampire mash-up is getting a cautionary OK from the Abraham Lincoln Presidential Library and Museum in Springfield, Ill., according to the Los Angeles Times. Library staff members have been treated to an extended viewing of scenes from the upcoming film.
鈥淲e enjoyed it鈥�, museum spokesman Dave Blanchett .
This got us to thinking: What if Lincoln really was a vampire hunter? That would explain some things about his personal history that historians argue over today.
His Moods
Lincoln鈥檚 tendency to melancholy and black moods was well known in his lifetime. What was the source of this personality trait? If he was worried about vampires, that would explain a lot.
His Strength
Lincoln鈥檚 body was unusually shaped, with long arms, a tall frame, and so forth. In the modern era some have tried to link him with various physical conditions that resulted in an odd body shape. But if he was swinging an ax constantly to ward off evil, wouldn鈥檛 he develop into an unusually strong chief executive.
His Tenacity
Lincoln was a gentle man who fought the Civil War ferociously, accepting nothing but total victory. This made sense if he wanted to ensure the Union鈥檚 survival and the death of slavery. It would also make sense if he needed to ensure that vampires would flee the US to other continents.
Also, if it鈥檚 successful, 鈥淎braham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter鈥� could open up a whole new film genre: the wonky horror film. Think 鈥淚 Know What You Did Last Sequestration,鈥� 鈥淭he Blair House Witch Project,鈥� or 鈥�Scream 5: The GOP Debates Continue.鈥�
Got any suggestions for Washington 聽horror movies of your own? Tweet them my way. Maybe we can get a hashtag going. #realscaryDC, anyone?