Bucking predictions, some couples are bonding not breaking during pandemic
The first time Sandra Nikolajevs fell in love with her husband was two decades ago.听
The second time was during the spring lockdowns of 2020, when the husband and wife started taking early-morning walks together.听
鈥淲hen you first get to know someone, you spend a lot of time talking 鈥� and then, after being married over 20 years, you take that for granted,鈥� says Ms. Nikolajevs, the principal bassoonist for the Savannah Philharmonic. 鈥淗aving this time where there is 45 minutes or an hour and nothing to do but talk about things, it鈥檚 really interesting because it鈥檚 not important stuff. It鈥檚 just ideas and things that you toss around in your head and you鈥檙e able to get feedback and have a real connection that way.鈥澨�
Why We Wrote This
Home life is being reshaped due to the pandemic, as families and couples reexamine routines. For some, the confinement has led to a deepening commitment.
She adds, 鈥淚t actually reminded me of the first days of our courtship when we met at Oberlin College.鈥澨�
When the lockdowns began last year, there was widespread speculation that the divorce rate would soon spike. Traditional marriage vows uttered during the bliss of a wedding day suddenly took on a gravity that may not have been fully apparent before. Indeed, for a great many couples, the pandemic made it evident that continuing their relationship was . But for many husbands and wives, the greatest reset of the pandemic was that it actually drew them closer. They became more grateful for each other. Relationship experts say that the ways in which couples navigated the duress of 2020 offers lessons that are applicable for when things return to normal.
鈥淎 survey came out 鈥� it鈥檚 called the American Family Survey 鈥� and it asked the couples how their experiences are in the pandemic,鈥� says Wendy Wang, the director of research for the Institute for Family Studies. 鈥淎 majority of them said that the pandemic actually made them appreciate their spouses more, and more than half of them also say their commitment has deepened.鈥�
The annual American Family Survey, conducted by the Deseret News and the Center for the Study of Elections and Democracy at Brigham Young University, suggests that overall divorce rates won鈥檛 rise significantly as a consequence of the pandemic. The 2019 survey of 3,000 individuals 听40% of respondents reported that their marriage was in trouble. In 2020, that figure fell to 29%.听Similarly,鈥� 鈥� 鈥宖rom鈥� 鈥宼he鈥� 鈥孶K鈥� 鈥孒ousehold鈥� 鈥孡ongitudinal鈥� 鈥孲urvey Coronavirus鈥� 鈥孲tudy鈥� 鈥宱f鈥� 鈥�2,559鈥� 鈥宲arents鈥� 鈥宺evealed鈥� 鈥宼hat鈥� 鈥溾�宼wice鈥� 鈥宎s鈥� 鈥宮any鈥� 鈥宮arriages鈥� 鈥宨mproved鈥� 鈥宒uring lockdown compared to those that worsened鈥�.鈥屸�� 鈥孴he鈥� 鈥宲roportion鈥� 鈥宱f鈥� 鈥宑ouples鈥� 鈥宑onsidering鈥� 鈥宒ivorce鈥� 鈥寃as鈥� 鈥宼wo-thirds鈥� 鈥宭ess鈥� 鈥宼han鈥� 鈥宨t鈥� 鈥宧ad鈥� 鈥宐een鈥� 鈥宐etween鈥� 鈥�2017鈥� 鈥宼o鈥� 鈥�2019.鈥屘��
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That鈥� 鈥寃as鈥� 鈥宒espite鈥� 鈥宼he鈥� 鈥宖act鈥� 鈥宼hat鈥� 鈥宐oth鈥� 鈥宻urveys鈥� 鈥宒iscovered鈥� 鈥宼hat鈥� 鈥宻tress鈥� 鈥宨n鈥� 鈥宮arriages鈥� 鈥宨ncreased鈥� 鈥宒uring鈥� 鈥宼he鈥� 鈥宲andemic.鈥屘�孖ndeed,鈥� 鈥宼he鈥� 鈥宑ompany鈥� 鈥孡egal鈥孴emplates鈥� 鈥宺eported鈥� 鈥宎鈥� 鈥�34%鈥� 鈥� 鈥宱f鈥� 鈥宨ts鈥� 鈥宒ivorce鈥� 鈥宎greement鈥� 鈥宖orm鈥� 鈥�between鈥� 鈥孧arch鈥� 鈥宎nd鈥� 鈥孉pril鈥� 鈥宱f鈥� 鈥宭ast鈥� 鈥寉ear鈥� 鈥宑ompared鈥� 鈥宼o鈥� 鈥宼he鈥� 鈥宻ame鈥� 鈥宲eriod鈥� 鈥宨n鈥� 鈥�2019.鈥屘鼴lame concerns over the virus, financial instability, and the effect of being together around the clock, often with children, with less personal space.听
鈥淚 have seen good relationships get stronger but the past year has been sort of a 鈥榮tress test鈥� for relationships and has exposed the flaws or weaknesses among many couples,鈥� says Aimee Hartstein, a New York-based licensed clinical social worker, via email.
For Karina Zannat O鈥機onnell and Nicholas O鈥機onnell, the close confines of lockdown-living quickly ended the 鈥渉oneymoon period鈥� of their new marriage.听
In November 2019, the couple had three weddings 鈥� two in Bangladesh for her Muslim family, and one in India for his Hindu family. Then she moved to the U.S., where he鈥檇 grown up and where they鈥檇 met in college many years previously. Mr. O鈥機onnell鈥檚 three-bedroom New York City apartment was already shared by his two longtime roommates. Once the quarantine started, Ms. O鈥機onnell was stuck inside with no friends in the city. While Mr. O鈥機onnell played Dungeons & Dragons in the living room with his roommates, she retreated to a bedroom to scroll through posts on Reddit 鈥渇or the 20th time.鈥�
鈥淚 remember talking to a couple of my friends and they asked, 鈥楬ow鈥檚 married life?鈥欌�� says Ms. O鈥機onnell, a self-described extrovert. 鈥淎nd I was like, 鈥業 moved here. And there鈥檚 COVID and there鈥檚 refrigerated morgue trucks. And I really resent my husband. I hate him. And they were all like, 鈥極h, my gosh, girl. You know, we鈥檙e supportive of you if you want a divorce.鈥欌�澨�
Their talk of divorce shook Ms. O鈥機onnell. It was time to address the situation with her husband.听
Mr. O鈥機onnell listened to his wife. More than that, he responded by finding a new apartment for the couple even though he was reluctant to move. His willingness to adjust reminded his wife to intentionally focus on her husband鈥檚 good qualities 鈥� such as taking on the cat litter and dish-washing 鈥� rather than nitpicking about the bad things.听
鈥淚t changes the whole atmosphere of the house when your wife is happy,鈥� says Mr. O鈥機onnell, who adds, jokingly, 鈥淚鈥檓 just afraid if we get a dishwasher, then what will happen? I鈥檒l get replaced.鈥�
鈥淲e鈥檙e in such a good place now that we鈥檝e actually decided that we want to have a baby in the next six months,鈥� adds Ms. O鈥機onnell. 鈥淲e鈥檝e renewed our commitment to each other.鈥澨�
Partners in romance and finance
According to the American Family Survey, who鈥檇 experienced financial decline during the pandemic reported increased marital stress.听
鈥淲e have grown up in a world in which we treat marriage as all about finding your soulmate 鈥� which it is and can be 鈥� but it鈥檚 still, at the end of the day, a partnership with an economic component to it,鈥� says Steve Horwitz, an听economics professor at Ball State University in Muncie, Indiana.听
Dealing with unemployment and trying to make a living during the economic downturn has poked at the nonromantic aspects of marriage, says Mr. Horwitz, the author of 鈥淗ayek鈥檚 Modern Family.鈥澨齌hose burdens have fallen disproportionately on women, many of whom have left the labor force to care for schoolchildren at home.听
Yet tough economic circumstances often encourage couples to lean into each other for support. That was true of the recession of 2007 to 2009, when divorces declined by 7%.听In the 2020 American Family Survey, whose financial situation worsened said they felt a greater appreciation for their marital partner and 60% reported a deeper commitment to the marriage.
Ana-Shea Fann and Stewart Edwards can attest to that. When the pandemic hit, the New Orleans-based couple had been planning a wedding for 300 people. Then she lost her job as an organizer for people facing mental challenges. Cooped up in their 900 square foot home, where they care for Ms. Fann鈥檚 ill mother, she didn鈥檛 feel it was the right time to celebrate anything 鈥� let alone ask wedding guests to travel. Mr. Edwards wasn鈥檛 keen on postponing the nuptials. He鈥檚 not easily deterred. After all, he鈥檇 been the one to drive over two hours from another town for his first date with Ms. Fann. He told her that getting married was more important than being able to have the type of big-party wedding they鈥檇 envisioned.
鈥淚t took a little bit of convincing,鈥� laughs Mr. Edwards, an industrial electrical estimator.
The couple revamped their wedding by setting it in their backyard for 15 socially distanced guests. They also broadcast the ceremony via Zoom. It was a 鈥済orgeous鈥� event, says Ms. Fann.听
Days after the wedding, Mr. Edwards returned to his employer鈥檚 office for the first time since the lockdown. By 10 o鈥檆lock the same morning he was back home. He鈥檇 been laid off.听
鈥淭his is not a normal time where, as a married couple, you can sit down and be like, 鈥極K, here鈥檚 our finance goals,鈥欌�� says Ms. Fann. 鈥淚t鈥檚 just like, 鈥楬ave we made it? Can we pay the rent?鈥欌��
Ms. Fann recalls something her father told her at age 16: 鈥淎na-Shea, if you wait your whole life to be only excited about the big things, you鈥檙e going to be miserable almost all your life. You need to learn how to appreciate small stuff.鈥�
What鈥檚 sustained their relationship amid the challenges are small acts of service and remembering to give each other regular hugs, says Mr. Edwards. Date nights now consist of finding new and inventive recipes to cook. Arguments have been few and far between.
鈥淲e made it so well because we have each other,鈥� says Ms. Fann. 鈥淎nd that鈥檚 actually something that鈥檚 kind of rare and not the story everyone else has. I know a lot of people who鈥檝e gotten divorced.鈥澨�
Slowing down, catching up
Jonathan Shippey, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Louisville, Kentucky, says the unique circumstances of 2020 have revealed to some couples that their marriage was merely a functional one. The busyness of day-to-day scheduling masked underlying foundational issues.听听
鈥淪ome of these couples were on two parallel train tracks and they could see each other and maybe even headed in the same general direction, but they were not on the same train,鈥� says Mr. Shippey, a master trainer at The Gottman Institute, which helps counsel married couples.听
Prior to the pandemic, Anika Prather says she thought her relationship to her husband Damon was 鈥淥K.鈥� Now she realizes that if things had continued as usual, their marriage would have become dysfunctional at some point.
As the co-founder听with him of The Living Water School, a private school in Fort Washington, Maryland,听Dr. Prather鈥檚 pre-pandemic life had been nonstop. For instance, two weeks after giving birth to the youngest of their three children, she鈥檇 gone back to work instead of taking the entire maternity leave. In those days, she and her husband weren鈥檛 bonding the way they should have been.
鈥淚 was so stressed I would have moments where I was cold,听not because I鈥檓 upset with him, but I was just so dead tired,鈥� says Dr. Prather. 鈥淚 wasn鈥檛 an emotionally soft person.鈥澨�
When the hard brake of lockdowns stopped her perpetual motion, she toppled over. On the first day of quarantine, a longtime family friend and church member died by suicide. The same day, Dr. Prather鈥檚 cousin 鈥� who鈥檇 been like a brother to her 鈥� died of COVID-19. She was racked with guilt because they weren鈥檛 as close as they鈥檇 once been. She hadn鈥檛 had time to improve their relationship.
鈥淚 just became a hermit,鈥� says Dr. Prather, who spent her days wearing pajamas and shrouded in gloom. Soon after, she received an offer to teach at Howard University 鈥� something she鈥檇 always dreamed of. She took the offer to teach a few classes, but she couldn鈥檛 muster any excitement.
鈥淪o my husband, one day, he says to me, 鈥榊ou鈥檙e going to have to cut this out,鈥欌�� she recalls.
He snapped her out of her funk by telling her that it鈥檚 OK to grieve but not to neglect gratitude for all the good things God had given them. Mr. Prather, an analyst for the federal government, started by expressing appreciation for his wife, as Dr. Prather recalls.听鈥淗e said, 鈥楾his is the first time in all of the 13 years that I鈥檝e known you that I haven鈥檛 seen you running out to meet some deadlines鈥︹�� And he said, 鈥楾hat means you have been working extremely hard the entire time we鈥檝e been married.鈥欌�澨�
Dr. Prather and her husband began to focus on their family and asking themselves how to make the most of their time in lockdown. They spent more time together, with game nights and family walks. Mr. Prather and the oldest of their two sons grew closer while Dr. Prather realized that her daughter wanted female bonding time with her. They could see what their life could look like after the pandemic.听
鈥淲e became very adamant about not stopping what the virus has forced us into 鈥� slowing down, holding on to each other, enjoying ourselves, enjoying our kids, and our kids enjoying us, focusing on what鈥檚 important,鈥� says Dr. Prather, who has figured out a way to now work part-time. 鈥淲hat I鈥檓 doing should not place my marriage or my children in jeopardy. I can still have my career ... but it shouldn鈥檛 compete with other things.鈥�
鈥淢y wife and I are determined not to go back to the stressful lives we had pre-pandemic!鈥� Mr. Prather explains via email.
His wife has coined a term for their听experience: Corona Blessings. 鈥淎s sad as it is,鈥� she says, 鈥渋t turned out to be a blessing for our family.鈥澨�
