海角大神

Talking about money is a very difficult thing.

For starters,聽the individual choices we make about how to spend our money are rather personal.聽In some ways, they鈥檙e an expression of who we are. If I choose to spend $30 on a board game, it鈥檚 because I鈥檓 personally passionate about playing games at the table with my family and friends. If Sarah chooses to spend $30 on our pet rabbits, it鈥檚 because she deeply cares about our family鈥檚 pet rabbits, Oreo and Bandit.

We also each have our own visions about the future.聽I鈥檝e described the ways I look at the future many times here on The Simple Dollar. While my vision overlaps Sarah鈥檚 to a large degree, they鈥檙e not perfect matches. They differ in quite a few of the details.

We draw upon different life experiences and ideas when making decisions.聽I grew up differently than Sarah did. I鈥檝e been exposed to a different set of ideas than she has. When I make a decision, I鈥檓 drawing on different things than she would be when facing a similar decision.

Those are a lot of obstacles to overcome, and if it was not paired with聽a sincere desire from both of us for our relationship to work, money conversations would be very difficult.聽

That鈥檚 the core of all of it 鈥撀�both of you聽have to want this to work.聽Both of you聽have to want something better than what you already have.聽If that鈥檚 not the case, then there isn鈥檛 a money conversation in the world that鈥檚 really going to work. Instead, you should be seeking some marriage counseling because you鈥檙e two people who view the world and the future in essentially incompatible ways.

If you are both willing to sit down at the table under that assumption that you鈥檙e聽both聽there because you want a better future, a healthy money conversation might be uncomfortable in places, but it鈥檚 always possible.

The first step should be establishing the goals you each have and, thus, which ones you share.Spend some time 鈥� say, a week or two 鈥� in which both of you think deeply about what you want from the future.

Yes, this goes before things like discussing spending and talking about credit card statements. You need toboth聽be on the same page about where you鈥檙e going or else you鈥檙e going to endlessly argue about the steps you鈥檙e taking now. You might be walking down a sensible path toward whatever your goal is, but if your partner has a different goal, it looks to your partner as though you鈥檙e walking away 鈥� and that鈥檚 extremely difficult. Get your goals straight first.

For us, it worked well when we visualized things a certain number of years down the road. What do you want your life to look like in five years? Ten years?

罢丑别苍,听think about the differences between the way your life is now and the way you want it to be then.聽What are those differences? Make a list of them. Don鈥檛 worry about how to get from here to there yet 鈥� that鈥檚 something you should work on聽together.

At that point,聽compare that list of differences.聽What things overlap? What things are different?

Again, for us, the best route to success was to minimize the things that were different and focus instead on the things that overlapped. It was easy to do that because I聽knew聽that Sarah was on board with that goal 鈥� and she felt the same way.

After that,聽you have a clear context by which to judge both of your choices.聽When you spend money, is it helping with those shared goals? Are we saving appropriately for that goal?

狈补迟耻谤补濒濒测,听both of you need聽some聽breathing room.聽I鈥檝e found that each person in a relationship needs some spending latitude. My suggestion is that each person has a certain 鈥渟pending allowance鈥� each month that caps what they can freely spend, and if there鈥檚 a disagreement about bills, make up the difference out of those 鈥渟pending allowances.鈥� Money spent out of that 鈥渁llowance鈥� is spent without question from the other person. This works聽really well聽for us.

Almost every money conversation fits well into this structure. If either of you has a money concern, it should either end up with a plan for that concern based on your shared goals聽or聽it should end up with a re-evaluation of goals.

If you鈥檙e both working from the same playbook, money conversations don鈥檛 have to be a challenge. You just need to start by making sure that you鈥檙e sharing goals and you鈥檙e using a plan that you both can live with that moves you toward those shared goals.

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