海角大神

In the Philippines, eldest daughters take care of their families. Who takes care of them?

It was 2021. Rich Orbeta had been her family鈥檚 rock since her father left them years before 鈥� taking care of the housework, finances, and overall well-being of her three younger siblings 鈥� and she was having doubts then about her chosen career in medicine. Like many 谩迟别蝉听鈥撀�鈥渆ldest daughters鈥� in Filipino 鈥撀爏he felt she had nowhere to turn for support.听

鈥淚鈥檓 the eldest,鈥� says Ms. Orbeta, in a mix of English and Filipino. 鈥淚 have to figure things out on my own.鈥�

But then she stumbled across a nascent Facebook group full of 谩迟别蝉聽just like her. Fingers tense, she began to type, describing her fears. The ensuing flurry of support caught her off guard.

鈥淏est of luck on your board exams!鈥� commented one member.

鈥淵ou might not see it yet, but I hope there comes a time that you鈥檒l see your sacrifices were worth it,鈥� wrote another.听

Even today, those messages comfort the physician from southern Luzon. 鈥淭here鈥檚 just something about people you don鈥檛 know personally rooting for you,鈥� she says.

The 鈥淓ldest Daughter in an Asian Household Club鈥� has since ballooned to some 7,400 members, almost all Filipino 谩迟别蝉 struggling with 鈥渆ldest daughter syndrome,鈥� as it鈥檚 been termed on social media. Across Asia and around the world, eldest daughters say they face unique social and family pressures, and take on more domestic responsibilities than their younger or male counterparts. As adults, many experience feelings of resentment, anxiety, and trouble setting boundaries. But this 鈥渟yndrome鈥� is also shaped by the country and culture in which an eldest daughter is raised.听

Filipino sociologists say 谩迟别蝉鈥� experiences have roots in the Philippines鈥� history of colonization, first by the Spanish, and later by Japan and the United States.听

鈥淚n those three times, there have been different gendered expectations,鈥� says Adrienne Cacatian, a sociology instructor at the University of the Philippines Diliman. 鈥淣ow, [谩迟别蝉] are not only expected to be excellent outside the home, as a career woman and breadwinner, [they鈥檙e] also expected to be excellent inside the home.鈥�

Cacatian, an 谩迟别 themself, welcomes the uptick in online discourse about the eldest daughter experience, which they credit to people 鈥渂eing more critical and engaged about the role of gender and how families are structured in society.鈥�

And with greater awareness, comes more opportunities for support.

Finding a safe space

Created in 2021, the 鈥淓ldest Daughter in an Asian Household Club鈥� greets members with a tongue-in-cheek banner photo of a message on the social platform now known as X, reading 鈥淸You] think [you] can hurt me? I鈥檓 the eldest daughter in an Asian family.鈥澛�

While the internet is rich with similar sites 鈥� including a popular and an called 鈥淓ldest Daughter Club鈥� with more than 200,000 followers 鈥� this is the only online resource catering specifically to eldest daughters in the Philippines.

Moderator Elaina Duarte-Santos says 鈥渋t鈥檚 a safe space.鈥�

She first learned of the group three years ago, amid COVID-19 lockdowns. She was searching for human connection and a way to blow off steam.听

The school teacher and financial adviser has acted as co-parent of her three siblings ever since her parents separated, providing financial and emotional support to her family. It is draining, and 鈥渢hey keep rejecting the idea that I鈥檓 tired,鈥� she says with a nervous laugh.

The 鈥淓ldest Daughter鈥� group soon became her go-to spot to vent, commiserate, and seek advice. It was also a source of strength when she went through a miscarriage in 2022.听

鈥淭he people in the group became a sort of support system for me, just by talking to each other and sharing their experiences,鈥� she says in Filipino. Knowing what other 谩迟别蝉 were going through helped her not dwell on her loss, she adds.

Pressure to be 鈥減erfect鈥�

A major facet of 鈥渆ldest daughter syndrome鈥� is expectations around domestic labor, which shape women鈥檚 lives from childhood. Globally, girls ages 5-14 鈥渟pend 160 million more hours every day on unpaid care and domestic work than boys of the same age,鈥� .听

鈥淎t a very young age, taking responsibility for the family is already skewed towards a particular gender,鈥� says Cacatian. And in their paper 鈥淔ilipino, Firstborn, Female: Filipino Eldest Daughters as an Invisibilized Women鈥檚 Sector,鈥� Cacatian argues that 谩迟别蝉 also act as a family鈥檚 representative in society, a reflection of their values and status. This leads to immense pressure to be high achievers and to appear 鈥減erfect,鈥� they write.

鈥淭he bad thing, as with anything, is the matter of choice,鈥� says Rowena Laguilles-Timog, a women鈥檚 studies scholar at the University of the Philippines. 鈥淧erhaps some women are OK with it, and they like it. There are perks that come with [this role]. But I鈥檓 sure many more feel trapped.鈥�

Ms. Duarte-Santos says that perhaps if she wasn鈥檛 the firstborn, 鈥淚 could save up; I鈥檇 be wealthy by now.鈥�

Ms. Orbeta, the physician, says she loves her family 鈥� but some days, she would rather be stuck at work than be the one doing chores at home. Still, she doesn鈥檛 want to harbor resentment.

鈥淚鈥檇 rather not internalize it. [My siblings] did not choose my birth order, nor give me these responsibilities,鈥� she says.

Instead, she airs her frustrations in the 鈥淓ldest Daughter鈥� group, which gets about three to five membership requests a day.

While the group doesn鈥檛 replace real-world relationships, Samuel Cabbuag, a digital sociologist, says it highlights one of the best parts of the internet: access to community. 鈥淵ou just need to go to your phone, and you can already have someone to discuss things that are particularly sensitive,鈥� he says.

Had this sort of community existed when she was younger, Ms. Orbeta believes she would have felt less alone.

鈥淭here鈥檚 a certain power to a physical hug,鈥� she says. 鈥淏ut online, you can be more vulnerable, especially with the anonymous feature. 鈥� For now, I prefer to keep it online.鈥�