海角大神

Is my child a quitter? Why you shouldn't jump to conclusions

Trying new things is what childhood 鈥� even adolescence and adulthood 鈥� is about. If your child tries many new activities, not all of them will click. Are they a quitter? Or simply not interested? 

How many times have you signed your child up for swimming, soccer, gymnastics, violin or piano lessons, camp only to hear, 鈥淚 don鈥檛 want to go鈥�? It鈥檚 hard not to be furious 鈥� 鈥淏ut you said this is what you wanted鈥� 鈥� especially when money is involved. Sometimes your child has been involved with the team or the lessons and says, 鈥淚 want to quit.鈥�

There鈥檚 no doubt that parents have hopes and expectations wrapped up in their child鈥檚 learning experiences. And what of the parent who never got the opportunity for anything extracurricular and is proud to be able to afford these opportunities for his child? Or the parent whose childhood was formed by her camp experiences, yet her child stubbornly refuses to go to camp?

Fears pop quickly to the surface: 鈥淪he鈥檚 a quitter.鈥� 鈥淗e never can commit to anything.鈥� 鈥淲hat will her boss do when she decides one morning she doesn鈥檛 want to go to work?鈥� 鈥淗e just gives up.鈥� Those fears lead us to all kinds of bribery and manipulation to get our kids to do what we want, what we think is best, never realizing how powerful our own agendas are.

鈥淗ow far should I push and when do I let it go? Don鈥檛 I have to set high expectations?鈥�

鈥淚 can鈥檛 let it go because he鈥檚 missing this incredible opportunity.鈥�

鈥淪he鈥檚 being an unappreciative brat. Everything has to be her way. She has no consideration for what we have gone through to make this happen.鈥�

It鈥檚 hard to let go.

The truth is that kids may want to join something, and if it doesn鈥檛 turn out the way they wanted, they will want to quit. Wouldn鈥檛 you? We jump to the 鈥渜uitter鈥� conclusion way too quickly and decide that our child will never follow thru on anything.

Do you remember being pressured to do something you didn鈥檛 want to do? Did you ever think something was a great idea and then changed your mind? Of course you did. That didn鈥檛 make you a quitter.

Youth is about taking advantage of opportunities to try out all kinds of different things. Most children don鈥檛 know where their passions lie for many years to come. If a child hits on an activity that is of great interest she will stick to it; but if she tries something that isn鈥檛 what she wanted, she will want to stop.

Many kids find nothing of interest until high school, college or even beyond. We need to present opportunities to our children with the expectation that if it clicks, great, if not, oh well, let鈥檚 try something else. When he finds a match for his interest, he will stay. Knowing that requires our trust in our child鈥檚 potential.聽Think of these opportunities as a smorgasbord giving your child a taste of many things. Some are good, some not.

What to do in the face of refusal or desire to quit:

鈥� Look at all the facets. Could it be the teacher, particular instrument or sport, or other children involved that your child doesn鈥檛 like? Perhaps your child is feeling stressed and over programmed and simply needs a break from activities.

鈥� Acknowledge your child鈥檚 dislike, boredom, wish to stay home. Acknowledgement does not mean agreement. 鈥淪ounds like you changed your mind/are not happy with this program anymore/don鈥檛 feel like going today.鈥�

鈥� Use logical consequences. If he wants to quit, let him know about the teacher or director鈥檚 point of view. 鈥淪he is expecting you. You will need to let her know that you won鈥檛 be coming. I鈥檒l get the number so you can call.鈥� 鈥淭he team expects you to be there. We need to show up today so you can talk to the coach.鈥�

鈥� Problem solve. Make sure you feel balanced so you don鈥檛 become resentful and reactive. 鈥淪o you want to change your mind. We all do that from time to time. I have spent quite a bit of money on this program. While I don鈥檛 expect you to take responsibility for that, how can we make this fair for both of us?鈥� Then go to the bargaining table and come up with something that works for both of you.

Remember, everything you offer or make available to your children is your choice. You can always say, 鈥淣o. I don鈥檛 want to do all that driving,鈥� or 鈥淲e can鈥檛 afford that this year.鈥� If you try to make your child happy by going out of your way, you will react strongly and forcefully if he decides later he doesn鈥檛 want to do it.

So take your child to the smorgasbord table, let him sample and decide for himself. His own motivation and engagement, whenever it comes, will serve him well.