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Father's Day gifts in a divorce: Who buys? Who makes the cards?

Father's Day gifts in a divorce fall to mom. Then one day, the teens say, "We got it, Mom."

滨迟鈥檚 Father鈥檚 Day No. 3 since my marriage ended. Thing is, the hoops I jumped through to get my kids to properly acknowledge their dad while I was married stayed the same after marriage. I still cajoled them to make a card and orchestrated the creation of an endless parade of paper weights, pencil holders and hand-decorated coffee mugs.

This year my kids are both teenagers, 13 and 15, and last week as we walked through the mall we passed a store window with a kitchen gadget in it. My son said it was something his dad might like.

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I said, 鈥淪hould we get it for him for Father鈥檚 Day?鈥�

Both kids let out a long whining 鈥淣oooo.鈥�

My son said it was Father鈥檚 Day, which meant the children 鈥� e.g. he and his sister 鈥� would figure out what to give their dad. No moms needed.

Really? I thought. No car, no money, and without me, I thought self-importantly, no direction.

Last year I had them make little 鈥渙de-to-daddy鈥� themed collages on canvas. Original works of art you could hang! Try and top that, I thought. And what would their father think, if they forgot to make a card? That鈥檚 when I realized Father鈥檚 Day wasn鈥檛 about my kids鈥� father anymore, it was about me.聽

In fact, it raised a whole lot of issues I would never have connected to Father鈥檚 Day 鈥� like my own parenting insecurities, old resentments (how come he never has the kids make me Mother鈥檚 Day cards? Or buy me gifts??) and, probably hardest of all for me, the fact that I have a lot less control over my children than I once did.

At first it was a slow erosion of control, as they pushed against my decisions about what they should wear to school, eat for breakfast and whom to invite to their birthday parties. Then my marriage ended and the three of us kind of dove back in toward each other, holding on tight while the world spun out of control, looking for comfort and protection. But that was almost three years ago. This past year my children have both been pulling away from me. (I鈥檓 not allowed to touch my son in public, for instance.) Letting go has been harder than I ever imagined. I know if I鈥檓 doing my job right that鈥檚 what is supposed to happen, but it鈥檚 not easy. And there鈥檚 no 鈥淲hat To Expect鈥� book to help with this phase of child rearing.聽

When my kids say they鈥檒l handle the Father鈥檚 Day cards, and that they will decide what gifts to make or buy, my first instinct is to protest, to supervise the card-making and gift-creation. 滨迟鈥檚 not only on Father鈥檚 Day that I do this 鈥� it鈥檚 everyday.聽 I realize on some level I want my ex-husband to see me as competent,聽 efficient and organized, still the one who, of course, has the cards made and gifts wrapped, who 鈥� despite divorce and its generally sad, angry fallout 鈥� can still get her kids to make their father a popsicle-stick pencil holder.

But the truth is, we鈥檝e changed, all of us, and not just from divorce (or lots of yoga) but from the sheer force of time passing, of soul-searching, of children moving from tweens to teens.聽

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So this year, I鈥檓 not having a Father鈥檚 Day card-making session at the dining room table just to prove to my kids and my ex-husband how extraordinarily magnanimous I am! Look at me, I鈥檓 so healthy! This year I won鈥檛 roll out the crayons, paints, colored pencils and glitter glue, I won鈥檛 suggest what they should write.聽

That day at the mall last week, when I offered to buy the Father鈥檚 Day gift, my daughter glanced over at her brother and then put her arm on my shoulder. 鈥淢om,鈥� she said, with an infuriating hint of adolescent condescension, 鈥淲e got it.鈥澛�

I started to object, then stopped.

鈥淥kay,鈥� I said tentatively, looking at both of them. 鈥淵ou got it.鈥�