Here鈥檚 the exam financial advisers should have to pass
What do you do when a client says he鈥檚 going to replace you with a new broker? Remind him he鈥檚 your son.
1. A client asks you if the 400-point-an-hour loss in the stock market the past seven days should make him nervous. Your answer is:
A. 鈥淒id you watch Letterman last night?鈥�
B. 鈥淒id you watch Leno last night?鈥�
C. 鈥淒o you have any quarters for the meter?鈥�
D. 鈥淵ou鈥檙e still talking to me?鈥�
Answer: C. This shows you still have a car, which indicates your confidence in the market.
2. You are invited to a client鈥檚 house for dinner to discuss his shrunken retirement portfolio. Your reply is:
A. 鈥淭hank you, but I鈥檝e given up food.鈥�
B. 鈥淵our best years are ahead of you. Eighty is the new 60.鈥�
C. 鈥淚 never eat without my personal food taster.鈥�
D. 鈥淒o I know you?鈥�
Answer: D. Never admit to knowing anyone except Warren Buffett, who is always referred to as Uncle Warren.
3. Your client asks why he should buy more stock when the market has declined 40 percent in two weeks. Your answer is:
A. 鈥淵ou鈥檇 rather buy paper towels?鈥�
B. 鈥淪tocks can鈥檛 go any lower. Can they?鈥�
C. 鈥淏ecause the Indian casino is closed today.鈥�
D. 鈥淚 really need the commission.鈥�
Answer: D. Creating empathy with your client is important. Always have pictures of your children on your desk, assuming you still have a desk.
4. Your client asks why he shouldn鈥檛 find another adviser to replace you. You should:
A. Tell him that you鈥檝e been practicing and will definitely get better.
B. Tell him if he does find another adviser to give you the phone number.
C. Become hard of hearing.
D. Remind him you鈥檙e his son.
Answer: C. Try the time-honored, 鈥淚鈥檓 sorry, did you say 鈥榖uy鈥� or 鈥榳hy?鈥� 鈥�
5. You have a meeting with a potential new client. He asks your 鈥渇inancial strategy.鈥� You answer:
A. In Korean.
B. 鈥淚 generally move my queen to rook four and then yell 鈥榗heckmate鈥� no matter what.鈥�
C. 鈥淪trategy? We don鈥檛 need no stinking strategy.鈥�
D. 鈥淚 think Trollope said it best.鈥�
Answer: D. As Al Roker likes to say, 鈥淲hen in doubt, quote Trollope.鈥�
6. The SEC accuses you of insider trading. Your best defense is:
A. A missile shield.
B. 鈥淚 did it for the lovely wife and two gifted children I plan to acquire some day.鈥�
C. 鈥淒o you have my phone number in Rio?鈥�
D. 鈥淐an鈥檛 we all just get along?鈥�
Answer: All of the above. Just ask Martha Stewart.
鈥� Chuck Cohen writes humor from Mill Valley, Calif.