海角大神

How to progress when you're running to stay even

Sometimes, the only way out is a very challenging short term.

鈥淚t takes all the running you can do just to stay in the same place.鈥�
- The Red Queen, Alice in Wonderland

I receive piles of stories from readers, but the really stuck with me for a while.

I鈥檒l quote it here, so you can read it again:

So I sit here writing this at a very challenging job that I enjoy the bulk of, but zaps the life right out of me, and leaves little of me for my 2 young children, ages 6 and 2. (I am a paralegal.) I enjoy the majority of what I do, but there is so much of me invested in this, and I feel over-worked. I am currently the only paralegal for 2 very busy attorneys, and I only have a helper to answer the phones for about 20 hours per week. This all leads to my question.

I am a single mother for the majority of the past 2 years due to a nasty divorce. My ex has left me emotionally, logistically, and financially alone to raise these children, the older one of which has Autism. If he shows no interest in them, how hard should I pursue him for the nearly 5 figures he is behind in child support? Yes, he has been Court-ordered to pay, but manages to 鈥渉ide鈥� his income, and tells people that he has no work. And yes, I really need the financial assistance. I have cut expenses to the bone, and before my last, meager raise, I was receiving food stamps, to my shame. I have moved to a cheaper place, but can鈥檛 take on a roommate, as 1. The place is too small, and 2. Not many people can live with an autistic child.

I already pay approximately 25% of my income on nursery school and after-school care. I just can鈥檛 face taking on a second job. I am exhausted already, the babysitting fees would be sky-high, and I already feel as though my children don鈥檛 get enough of my time.

I receive a variation or two on Callie鈥檚 story once a week. After a series of misfortunes and challenges, a person finds themselves in a situation where they鈥檙e doing everything they can to simply bob along with their head barely above water.

These emails get to me more than any other ones I receive. It鈥檚 not too hard to feel the challenge of the situation that Callie is going through in that email. Those situations often feel inescapable and leave the person feeling hopeless and helpless.

Most of my advice to people in these situations follow the same lines, and I鈥檒l share most of the ideas here.

First and foremost, keep in mind that the only way out of this situation is a very challenging short term. I really like the way Dave Ramsey puts this phenomenon: 鈥淟ive like no one else so you can live like no one else.鈥� If you want a better life than you have now, you鈥檙e going to have to do some uncomfortable things in the short term. My suggestions below are not meant to insult you or demean you 鈥� they鈥檙e meant to put you in a better place in a few years so that you鈥檙e not going through what seems like an endless cycle of struggling.

The first thing you鈥檝e got to do is cut your spending 鈥� and by that I mean really cut it. So often, I get emails from readers who tell me that they鈥檝e cut spending to the bone, but after an email exchange, I find that they still have cable television, they still have home internet access, they still have a cell phone plan, and so on. If you have these things, cut them. If you need to call someone, use your land line. If you need to watch television, use the over-the-air signal that鈥檚 free. If you need to use the internet, get comfortable at your local library.

The argument that 鈥淚 need X for escapism鈥� isn鈥檛 a good argument, either. There are countless ways to 鈥渆scape鈥� from the challenges of your life that don鈥檛 involve pouring money down an endless monthly bill.

Cutting your cell phone, your cable, and your home internet will save you $100 to $150 a month. If you start putting that towards your debts, you鈥檒l find that they start disappearing just like that.

The next thing you鈥檝e got to do is swallow your pride. If you think you won鈥檛 do something because that鈥檚 what 鈥減oor people鈥� do or you鈥檙e afraid of someone seeing you do something, check that at the door right now. Pride is one of the biggest obstacles to overcome on the route to success.

You should be taking advantage of every single opportunity around you (that you鈥檙e eligible for) to save money. Use food stamps. Use your local food pantry. Use WIC. Get welfare payments. It doesn鈥檛 matter whether you think they鈥檙e 鈥渞ight鈥� or not 鈥� these programs are out there just sitting there waiting to be used, and if they鈥檙e not used, they go to waste. Use them.

Along the same lines, do your clothes shopping at Goodwill (I certainly do). Hit free entertainment in your community (like community concerts and the like 鈥� we certainly do). Eat at home exclusively and prepare your own meals as inexpensively as you can 鈥� and if you don鈥檛 know how, now鈥檚 the time to learn. Get ahold of your energy company and see what energy efficiency improvements they鈥檒l help you pay for so that your energy bill goes down. Clean out your closets and sell everything you don鈥檛 use regularly.

If you鈥檙e thinking to yourself, 鈥淲ell, this sounds terrible,鈥� ask yourself if doing this for several months while getting your head above water is worse than the constant state of fear you鈥檙e in right now, a state that has no end in sight. It is your choice, no one else鈥檚.

Another big part of all of this is to stop worrying about what other people think of you. If some vague concern about what people you don鈥檛 know or barely know will think of you because you鈥檙e doing something that indicates you might not be rich is holding you back from making a change in your life, stop it. The opinions of people you don鈥檛 know are (1) not important at all and (2) often not what you expect them to be. If I see a person at a food pantry, do you know what I see? I see a responsible and focused person who has had some hard luck and is trying to improve their situation.

What goes hand in hand with that? Ask for help 鈥� and don鈥檛 be afraid to ask for it. I understand the social desire not to ask friends and neighbors for help, but you should start with some of your closest friends who know what you鈥檙e going through. Other great places to ask for ideas and assistance are people who work with the agencies mentioned above 鈥� WIC, food pantries, and the like. Don鈥檛 be afraid to ask your pastor for help, either 鈥� almost every pastor you meet are in that position because they desire to help the needy.

A final suggestion: look long and hard at your social network. It鈥檚 been shown time and time again that we do things that reflect what our closest friends do. Our income is the average of the income of our closest friends. Our spending habits match those of our closest friends. Your career dedication often mirrors those of the people you value the most. If you鈥檙e surrounding yourself with people who engage in behaviors that are beyond your financial means, spend some time shoring up the relationships in your life that involve people who don鈥檛 spend money to have a good time.

Just remember, at all times, you鈥檝e got to live differently if you want to make a different life for yourself. The techniques and approaches and things you鈥檙e doing now have left you in this painful situation. In order to break out, you鈥檙e going to have to make some real changes.

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