海角大神

Two young US soldiers went into a bar. As the night wore on, they noticed a man hitting on an intoxicated young woman.

When he offered to take her home, they stepped in and said they would go along to make sure she got there safely. At her house, the two refused to let the other man go inside, which prompted a fight before he stormed off. They called a cab to get home.

鈥淭hey said it was worth it, because he was a risk to her,鈥� says Melody McDowall, a social worker and former sexual assault response coordinator at a military base in Kansas.

As part of their required training, the two soldiers had seen Mike Domitrz鈥檚 鈥淐an I Kiss You?鈥� presentation, which offers tools for healthy dating and preventing sexual assault.

When they told Ms. McDowall that the talk had inspired them to intervene to stop a potential rape, she knew that his approach 鈥渞eally works.鈥�

鈥淗istorically, the education around sexual violence was centered around what the victims could do to keep themselves safe,鈥� McDowall says. Then about six years ago she discovered Mr. Domitrz, who was crisscrossing the country to speak to college students and military groups. At that time 鈥渢here wasn鈥檛 a lot on bystander education鈥� or reaching out to people 鈥渨ho may cross the line unintentionally,鈥� especially in situations involving alcohol, she says.

Domitrz, through his DATE SAFE Project Inc., headquartered in Greenfield, Wis., offers a blend of humor, audience participation, and how-to advice to prompt people to think through a sometimes daunting subject 鈥� and then be ready to take action.

His talk, and his related 2003 book, 鈥淢ay I Kiss You?,鈥� challenges people to always ask and receive consent before engaging in an intimate act, even a kiss. It goes on to show how people can intervene in problematic situations, just as the two soldiers did. And it explains how everyone can 鈥渙pen the door鈥� for people they care about to confide in them if those individuals are survivors of sexual assault.

Domitrz breaks down all the reasons people offer for why they don鈥檛 ask first when they seek intimacy. He then offers tips on how to seek consent, even how to respond gracefully when the answer is a no.

People feel much better about dating and relationships when lines of communication are clear, Domitrz says, instead of being muddied by attempts to read body language or make a move in the hopes that the other person won鈥檛 mind.

鈥淢ost dating-violence talks are about what not to do,鈥� he says. 鈥淚 use humor about the ridiculous assumptions that we鈥檝e been taught ... [and I want people] to feel they have a new skill set and a reason to use it.鈥�

Domitrz was a 19-year-old college student in 1989 when he got a message at his dorm to call his mother right away. She asked if he was sitting down, and then she told him his sister Cheri, who is four years older, had been raped.

Struggling with shock and rage, he transferred to a college near his home in Wisconsin to support her during the trial of the rapist.

When he began researching laws on sexual assault, the phrase 鈥渨ithout consent鈥� stuck with him. 鈥淚 asked myself ... 鈥楧o I ask to kiss someone?鈥� 鈥� And he asked his peers, who all said they didn鈥檛, either. He realized that cultural norms encourage men to make a move and women to try to stop it if they become uncomfortable.

After his swim team was required to hear a talk on sexual assault, Domitrz realized that as the brother of a survivor of sexual assault he had something to offer. He continued his research and began speaking publicly 鈥� first at his former high school and later at other high schools and colleges.

鈥淗e鈥檚 had really tough questions [from our students], and he has always given constructive, positive responses,鈥� says Debbie Bartholomay, a language arts teacher at Alternative High School in Elkhorn, Wis., which has hosted Domitrz鈥檚 presentation several times since its inception.

鈥淎 great number of our students have had very negative sexual experiences,鈥� Ms. Bartholomay says. After each of the talks, several students have disclosed situations to Domitrz and he鈥檚 been able to refer them for help.

The 鈥淐an I Kiss You?鈥� presentation 鈥渋s something I wish every student could go through at least once, because they really don鈥檛 forget it. We鈥檝e had students whose lives have been changed,鈥� Bartholomay says.

By 2003, Domitrz and his wife had sold their mobile DJ company so that he could devote himself full time to public speaking, both in the United States and around the world at US military bases.

Now he gives about 200 college and military presentations a year.

As a junior and a residential adviser at Princeton University in New Jersey, Kevin Zhang attended Domitrz鈥檚 presentation last fall. 鈥淚鈥檓 pretty skeptical about these kinds of things, but I was just blown away by it,鈥� he says.

The talk prompted Mr. Zhang to share ideas with his water polo teammates and male friends, and recently he wrote an article for the campus newspaper about why men need to talk more about sexual assault.

One of the key things Zhang says he learned: If someone shares with you that he or she has been assaulted, don鈥檛 respond with 鈥淚鈥檓 sorry.鈥� Pity forces the person who is sharing to offer a response like 鈥楾hat鈥檚 OK. It鈥檚 not your fault,鈥� 鈥� Domitrz teaches.

Instead, he urges people to say something like 鈥淭hank you for sharing. If there鈥檚 anything I can do, I鈥檓 here to support you.鈥�

As for changing the dating culture, Zhang says he鈥檚 optimistic that Domitrz鈥檚 message about consent can spread.

Domitrz helps people envision such a shift by bringing students onstage for brief, laughter-filled role-playing, with one participant asking the other for a kiss. He gives them scenarios to show that whether the answer is yes or no, the situation is no more awkward than the typical efforts people make to read each other鈥檚 minds.

鈥淲e鈥檝e had people argue, and at the end they say, 鈥榊ou know what, I鈥檓 now going to ask,鈥� 鈥� Domitrz says. 鈥淵ou see people making positive commitments to behavior change in just 45 minutes.鈥�

One way Domitrz gauges the effect he鈥檚 had is through messages on Facebook, in which people share how they鈥檝e used what he鈥檚 taught them. He also requests brief text messages from participants about what actions they plan to take.

Some of the texts are profound: 鈥淚t really helped me understand that if I am not into it I don鈥檛 have to continue just because it is happening鈥�; 鈥淚 learned that letting your buddy take advantage of another person makes you just as responsible鈥�; 鈥淚鈥檓 going to tell my parents about my rape.鈥�

鈥淥ur culture still has a long way to go in tackling this topic,鈥� Domitrz says.

Twenty years ago people thought it was all right for someone to have sex with a drunken person who says yes, Domitrz says. Now most people understand that a person can鈥檛 really give their consent while intoxicated. But 鈥渄o we do anything to stop it?鈥� Domitrz asks. 鈥淭he majority says, 鈥榃ell, that鈥檚 not my business.鈥� 鈥�

To reduce sexual assaults in the military and on college campuses, students as young as middle school-age need to start learning how to talk about and respect sexual boundaries, says Domitrz, who is the father of four teenagers. About 50 people have received intensive training in the past year from the DATE SAFE Project so that they, too, can bring its messages to schools.

鈥淓very person deserves to live in a world of respect and consent,鈥� Domitrz says. 鈥淲hen you meet a survivor who was not treated with that respect, and you see how strong they are, it just reminds you, we need to be out there doing this even more ... so that everybody does get that respect.鈥�
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