海角大神

Growing up in a big family in eastern India, Supriyo Chakraborty frequently attended relatives鈥� lavish weddings. So when it was his turn, the hotel management lecturer pulled out all the stops: spectacular fireworks, intricate floral decorations, beautifully coordinated outfits. The couple exchanged rings under the stars on a crisp winter night this past December in the southern Indian city of Hyderabad. It looked like any of the thousands of weddings taking place all over the country at the time 鈥� except that Mr. Chakraborty was marrying a man.

Mr. Chakraborty and his husband, Abhay Dang, had lived together since 2013, and decided to get married last year. Same-sex marriage is not legally recognized in India, but since the Supreme Court decriminalized homosexuality in 2018, several LGBTQ couples have held weddings or wedding-like ceremonies to make their relationship 鈥渙fficial,鈥� unofficially.

These couples鈥� determination to get married, they say, is about breaking stereotypes, sharing their joy with friends and family, and insisting on access to a powerful cultural institution.聽

Around the world, ideas about what constitutes a family are expanding, but marriage and children remain common elements that many people 鈥�聽though not all 鈥� strive toward. This is especially true in India, where marriage is a given, says Amita Nigam Sahaya, author of the book 鈥淭he Shaadi Story: Behind the Scenes of the Big Fat Indian Wedding.鈥澛�

鈥淲e are weaned on the idea of getting married to somebody or the other,鈥� she says. 鈥淎ll forms of culture 鈥� popular culture, traditional culture, familial culture, religiosity 鈥� all these talk about marriage as a part of an adult鈥檚 destiny.鈥�

Married, but not on paper

Mr. Chakraborty and Mr. Dang鈥檚 nuptials had all the elements of a big fat Indian wedding and then some. Before the men exchanged vows, the officiant asked guests to stand up, raise their hand, and say 鈥淚 do鈥� to the couple as a way to express acceptance of their union. 鈥淭here were a few people who raised both of their hands, and they were all shouting 鈥業 do,鈥欌�� Mr. Chakraborty recalls. 鈥淓verybody was emotional.鈥�

Mr. Chakraborty鈥檚 wedding , but the couple hadn鈥檛 set out to make any statement, he says. They just wanted to celebrate their love openly.聽

鈥淚 wanted to call Abhay my husband,鈥� Mr. Chakraborty says. 鈥淚 didn鈥檛 want to say that I live with my friend.鈥澛�

On paper, however, they might as well be just friends. Same-sex couples cannot register their marriage, meaning queer Indians are denied spousal rights that heterosexual couples enjoy and sometimes take for granted.

鈥淚 can鈥檛 make him a nominee to any of my property or vice versa,鈥� says Mr. Chakraborty. 鈥淚f I am hospitalized today, he is just a visitor for me because he can鈥檛 sign anything.鈥澛�

Several petitions in courts across the country are pushing to change that. Many argue that by refusing to recognize the same-sex marriage, the government is depriving couples of their right to equality enshrined in the constitution.聽

In India, marriage is governed by a set of religious personal laws, which date back to the colonial era and vary among faiths, and a secular law called the Special Marriage Act. Both define marriage as a union of a man and a woman. 鈥淭he law has that [gender] binary at the very heart of it,鈥� says lawyer Akshat Agarwal. In fact, says Mr. Agarwal, all aspects of family law such as inheritance, guardianship, and protection from intimate partner violence imagine the family unit as a male-female pair. Recognizing same-sex couples would require an overhaul of that entire legal framework.

The government has squarely opposed such a change, arguing last year that recognizing same-sex marriages would cause 鈥渃omplete havoc with the delicate balance of personal laws in the country.鈥�

Mr. Agarwal says marriage equality may take longer to achieve because of the country鈥檚 unique legal system. 鈥淲hile the argument for marriage is very clear, I think how you best do it is a little more complex in India,鈥� he says.

In the meantime, couples are forging ahead, pursuing so-called social marriages until the courts recognize their nuptials.

The value of a social marriage

In India鈥檚 Silicon Valley of Bengaluru, Ankur Bhatnagar is scouting for a venue for his upcoming wedding. He wants to marry his longtime boyfriend in accordance with Hindu rituals, but he鈥檚 having trouble convincing priests to solemnize a gay marriage. One reason Mr. Bhatnagar wants to tie the knot is to smash stereotypes about queer relationships.聽聽

Courtesy of Ankur Bhatnagar

Ankur Bhatnagar (left) poses for a selfie with his longtime boyfriend, Deepak Sharma. The couple is planning to get married later this year.

鈥淭here鈥檚 a perception that gay people are only interested in sex, but that鈥檚 not true,鈥� says Mr. Bhatnagar. 鈥淲e also have long, nurturing relationships like heterosexual couples.鈥�

Marriage would also help validate his relationship in the eyes of society, he says. 鈥淚n India, you feel incomplete if you鈥檙e not married.鈥�

Same-sex social marriages are not a new phenomenon, says University of Montana Professor Ruth Vanita. In her book 鈥淟ove鈥檚 Rite: Same-Sex Marriages in Modern India,鈥� Professor Vanita documents stories of several lesbian couples who married in informal religious ceremonies across India since the 1980s. These couples were mainly working-class, non-English speakers who had no contact with the LGBTQ rights movement in the West.

鈥淭he desire to form long-term couples, for which marriage is one name, is found in all societies, going back to the ancient world,鈥� she says via email, adding that marriage 鈥渋s primarily a public statement about the importance of one鈥檚 union.鈥�

In that sense, marriage can also be 鈥渁 liberating act away from the secrecy, from the claustrophobia that is imposed on [LGBTQ people],鈥� says Ms. Sahaya, who writes about India鈥檚 wedding culture.聽聽

Winds of change

It might be years before the Indian government recognizes same-sex marriage, but some private institutions are already moving in that direction. The company where Mr. Chakraborty鈥檚 husband works has been offering COVID-19 shots to employees鈥� families, including same-sex partners.聽

That acknowledgment turned a routine vaccination appointment into 鈥渁 very, very proud moment for me,鈥� says Mr. Chakraborty, 鈥渂ecause somebody was recognizing that we are together.鈥�

Last year, India鈥檚 Axis Bank announced a charter of LGBTQ-friendly policies for their employees and customers, such as allowing same-sex couples to open a joint bank account. One of India鈥檚 most popular matrimonial sites is reportedly looking to expand its services to the LGBTQ community. Movies featuring queer couples are also becoming more common in Bollywood.

Attitudes toward homosexuality are changing at the family level, too. Surabhi Mitra, a psychiatrist in central India, says her parents were 鈥渆lated鈥� when she told them about her girlfriend. The couple held a 鈥渃ommitment ring ceremony鈥� last year聽and are now planning a beach wedding. In Mr. Bhatnagar鈥檚 case, it was his father, who comes from the conservative state of Haryana, who encouraged him and his boyfriend to get married. According to a Pew , acceptance of homosexuality in India increased by 22 percentage points between 2013 and 2019, among the largest shifts of the countries surveyed.

Mr. Agarwal, the lawyer, points out that the United States recognized same-sex marriage only after years of growing social acceptance, and he expects India will be the same.

Same-sex couples aren鈥檛 waiting though.

鈥淲e don鈥檛 need anyone鈥檚 permission to be happy,鈥� says Mr. Chakraborty.