海角大神

The excitement in the air is palpable in my house, as I鈥檓 about to finish off a 28-ounce bottle of shampoo. I didn鈥檛 buy it. It just appeared one day. Twenty-eight ounces is a lot of shampoo, especially if you believe that it鈥檚 necessary to lather and rinse only once and that repeating is for suckers.聽

This big black bottle of unwanted salon-grade shampoo found a home in my shower the same way three cats and two dogs found their way to our various couches, beds, and favorite chairs: They were all given a home by my wife.聽

To be fair, I buy and subsequently reject an awful lot of deodorant. I understand that what seems acceptable in the personal-care aisle of the grocery store may fail to please at home. For instance, I won鈥檛 use a stick deodorant that smells good but feels like a block of cheddar cheese being dragged over my armpit, or a roll-on that claims a full 72 hours of protection but dries like spar varnish.

I have fulfilled this role, the consumer of rejected shampoo, for my entire married life. It鈥檚 meant that I鈥檝e had much better shampoo than I ever would have bought for myself. (Did you know that, if your standards are low enough, you can buy a full-size bottle of shampoo for about a dollar? Sure, it may burn a little and smell like brake fluid, but it鈥檒l do the job.) This French shampoo makes my hair shiny and full 鈥� no less gray or unevenly cut, mind you, but certainly shinier and fuller than I deserve. And no wonder: The bottle assures me, and I quote, that this shampoo contains seven times the luxurious moisture. Seven times! I鈥檓 not sure compared to what, or how they manage to multiply the moisture in a product that鈥檚 already liquid. But hey, I鈥檓 not a shampoo scientist, and so I take their word for it.聽

When I run out of this shampoo, sometime in the next few weeks, I鈥檒l have a replacement bottle of equally miraculous shampoo waiting on deck. In fact, I鈥檒l have quite a few of them.

I had a friend in New York who had a wife and two daughters. His wife and daughters had all become quite particular about shampoo, and his story is one that I keep trying to forget.聽

One day after a casual lunch in their apartment, he pulled me aside in the kitchen. He looked around to be sure we were alone. 鈥淚 want to show you something,鈥� he whispered. I followed him to a closed door near the back stairwell. There was something desperately confessional in his tone, and I was suddenly a bit uncomfortable.

He opened the door to a tiny bathroom 鈥� his bathroom 鈥� and turned on the light and said, 鈥淟ook.鈥�

Afraid I was about to see a body wedged against the sink, I stepped in. I looked around, turned off the light, backed out quickly, and closed the door.

鈥淲ow,鈥� I said.聽

My friend nodded. 鈥淵eah. Wow.鈥� He was a little wild-eyed. 鈥淚 don鈥檛 know what I鈥檓 going to do,鈥� he said quietly. I shook my head. 鈥淭hey just keep coming. Last week, there were 11, I got home Friday, and there were 17.鈥� Seventeen bottles of shampoo, that is.聽

Every flat surface, including the floor of the shower, seemed to be covered with bottles of shampoo.聽

鈥淭hrow some out?鈥� I said.聽

He looked at me beseechingly. 鈥淏ut there鈥檚 nothing wrong with them!鈥� he said.聽

My friend was the CEO of a Fortune 500 corporation and lived what I imagined was a fast-paced life filled with serious meetings in oak-
paneled conference rooms, making big decisions that shaped and shifted the global economy. He seemed to take those decisions in stride, but I could see he was overwhelmed by the rising tide of loser shampoo.聽

I tried again: 鈥淕ive them away?鈥澛�

His eyebrows raised in disbelief. 鈥淭o who? Do you want our used shampoo?鈥澛�

I shook my head and said, perhaps too quickly, 鈥淚鈥檝e got my own shampoo problems.鈥澛�

鈥淩ight,鈥� he said, and sighed. 鈥淚鈥檓 sorry. I just had to tell somebody.鈥�

In the years that followed, we never spoke of this again. His daughters grew up and left home, which must have lowered the stakes a bit. I like to think that a man of his enormous intellect, equipped with resources the rest of us can only imagine, finally figured out a solution.

But this morning, as I lather and rinse, I doubt it. Maybe I will repeat.