Dad gets $26 invoice after son misses friend's party
A dad who gave an oral RSVP to a mom for a birthday party for her 5-year-old has made international headlines after he found himself on the receiving end of a "no-show" invoice from the birthday boy's mom.聽
This appears to be one of those polarizing parental moments that spark emotional conversations on social media over everything from etiquette to common sense and the high cost modern parents pay 鈥� fiscally and emotionally 鈥� when a child's party goes from being a celebration to an expensive event.聽
Derek Nash and his partner, who live in Torpoint, near Plymouth, England were sent an invoice for $26 (拢15.95) last week, according to a report published in the Plymouth Herald newspaper.
Mr. Nash, a delivery聽driver, told the newspaper that he, 鈥�.鈥�
Over the Christmas holidays, Nash鈥檚 son Alex was invited to a classmate鈥檚 birthday party at the Ski Slope and Snowboard Centre, and when Mr. Nash was asked by the birthday boy鈥檚 mom if his son would be attending, he confirmed.
However, dad later realized that he鈥檇 already made a plan for the same date when Alex and the family were to spend the day with his grandparents. Grandparents trump ski party for this child and so dad needed to call and cancel.
However, as happens all too often to many parents, Nash didn鈥檛 have the phone number or email address for the other parent to let her know his son would not be there. He told the Plymouth Herald that his partner tried to locate the mom to get her the word Alex would not be attending, but to no avail.聽
Rather than take the absence of Alex in stride, the other parent took Nash鈥檚 affirmative RSVP as an oral contract and sent a printed invoice to Nash via the child鈥檚 school teacher at Torpoint Nursery and Infant School.
On January 15, Nash鈥檚 partner looked in Alex鈥檚 school bag and found a brown envelope containing the invoice.
Let鈥檚 step back a moment and admit that it鈥檚 pretty aggravating to have people either fail to RSVP, or to do so and then be a no-show, particularly for an expensive party.
Actually, I don鈥檛 do parties at ski and snowboard centers, Great Wolf Lodge, or even Chuck E. Cheese because they have never been affordable.
Higher party expenses for my family would mean limiting the number of kids who could come to the party to maybe three at best, so my husband and I have had to go the route of investing the time, creativity, and effort in old-school home parties with lots of inventive games and action-packed activities.
Still, I don鈥檛 begrudge other parents who have the cash to go that route.
However, I will also admit that I have lived in fear of losing the invitation or blowing the date because the other parents can get very sensitive about a failure to appear at a pricey party.
To get some perspective on what could have been done by both sides in order to minimize the impact of this situation, I called Diane Gottsman, a nationally-known expert on etiquette and owner of聽,聽to get her take on the situation.
鈥淲hile we really don鈥檛 know the parties involved her on a personal level we can understand that when something involves your child things can get very emotional and also, sometimes, egos can get involved,鈥� Ms. Gottsman said in a phone conversation. 鈥淚 have three kids myself. If someone doesn鈥檛 show up, yeah, it irks me, but I鈥檓 not going to invoice someone for the cupcake I bought that they weren鈥檛 here to eat. I paid for the pony no matter how many kids ride it.鈥�
Gottsman adds that lavish parties for children can be a slippery, anxiety-producing, slope which can be an invitation to parental strain and open the field to overreaction.
Those comments I read through on聽Facebook of those reading聽Nash鈥檚 tale of woe through various news outlets appeared to largely be anti-pricey-event.
Some commenters likened it to wedding no-shows, and the fact that people who RSVP and then don鈥檛 attend are not billed for their absence.
Others suggested that if the price was such a big issue, the parent should have included a no-show fee and explanation on the invitation.
One commenter, sarcastically suggested such an invitation might be worded, "Because we are skiing and tubing this party is pricey, please confirm only if you are sure you are coming. Because honestly I am giving my son a party he cannot afford, with activities that are too old for a group of 5 year olds without additional parents along, but hey, I will be the first to have this party. And, oh by the way if you do confirm on this call your cost will be X, but only if you don't come. If you do come it is free.....Cause this makes sense only to me."
鈥淚n this case I think we have miscommunication and over-reaction leading to a bad situation that nobody intended to go viral 鈥� which this certainly has,鈥� Gottsman said.
There are better routes to communication which parents, above all others, might want to try and take and in so doing, set a positive example for our kids.
鈥淭here are proper and improper ways for things to be done and a child鈥檚 birthday party is not a business. We don鈥檛 invoice a no-show. We don鈥檛 involve the child or his teacher. We, perhaps, make a courtesy call to the other parent and we talk,鈥� said Gottsman. 鈥淓verything we do makes an impact. That鈥檚 a good lesson for children to learn from us.鈥�
Gottsman made another good point saying, 鈥淚t鈥檚 important to realize that when throwing a party for a 5-year-old, you take into account 5-year-old expectations and skills. It can be an extravagant affair, or pizza in the backyard, that child is just happy to be having a party.鈥�
The way to recover from having sent the invoice to a fellow parent, or any other act that causes bad feelings, is childishly simple, according to Gottsman.
It鈥檚 important to call the other parent and give an authentic apology. In this case, Gottsman suggests that it come from the mother who issued the invoice.
鈥淲hat鈥檚 authentic in this case is to simply call the dad and say, 鈥楾hings got out of hand. I sent the invoice to make a point. In retrospect, perhaps there was a better way to communicate that. My emotions got away from me.鈥�
