Why did Anne Hathaway apologize? And is there a lesson for your kids here?
The Oscars are over but the apologies continue to eclipse the accolades, with Anne Hathaway鈥檚 hand-wringing, repeated apologies for a red carpet dress choice, while The Onion continues an equally hand-wringing 鈥渟orry鈥� for bashing a child star on Twitter. These very public choices made me think about how many times my kids use the word 鈥渟orry鈥� and reevaluate in what context apologies really belong.
It鈥檚 an age-old battle we as parents must continue to fight to teach our kids to take responsibility for their actions and words, making the apologies heartfelt, meaningful, and appropriate to the alleged crime. We try and prompt a child鈥檚 understanding of their impact on others, asking, 鈥淗ow do you think that made _____ feel when you did that?鈥�
A Japanese pop star recently shaved her head and made a YouTube video apologizing for going out on a date. Minami Minegishi of AKB48 appears in a tearful mea culpa on YouTube after breaking her band's strict rules on dating, according to听. Part of that is rooted in cultural tradition, but it is no less shocking to see the variation in how kids and adults apologize.
We might well ask ourselves how our approach to teaching children to apologize makes them feel. How scary are we when we鈥檙e demanding they realize their mistakes and then apologize? How much of our delivery makes them really understand, versus training them to apologize by rote?
Also,听do we remember to teach听our kids not to apologize for the wrong things like their race, religion, and body type? Do we teach them not to apologize to placate people who are angry with them for things they didn鈥檛 do wrong?
Some kids blurt the word 鈥榮orry鈥� over and over again in the course of a day to the point where the word is more like a sentence punctuation than an event.
I realized last night while shopping that my kids get their apologist natures from me. A woman bumped into me from behind with her cart as she concentrated on the shelf and not the way ahead. I turned around and blurted, 鈥淥h, sorry!鈥� She said, 鈥淣o problem.鈥�
Something is definitely not adding up here, I thought. Why did I apologize for getting bumped into?听If I do that around my child what鈥檚 the message or lesson I鈥檓 passing on?
My 9-year-old son cried when a kid was mean to him. He recounted the incident and said, 鈥淪orry. Sorry. Sorry,鈥� while wiping away tears. He was apologizing for crying because someone at school told him big boys don鈥檛 cry. That鈥檚 not something he should be apologizing for. I have friends who say "sorry" to me about everything and anything to the point where the word has little meaning.
Yahoo鈥檚 Oscars blog has a link on it that reads 鈥�,鈥� leading to a featured article with the actress pleading forgiveness for wearing a pink Prada gown the critics had picked on in place of the Valentino she鈥檇 planned. That鈥檚 a good example of a case where apology is made as a shield against our critics rather than something we should actually be sorry for.
No doubt Hathaway is sorry because she鈥檚 been whipped in the social stocks for her dress being 鈥渁 disappointment to fans.鈥� It then spun out of control into the assumption the actress had 鈥渟nubbed鈥� designer friend Valentino, according to Yahoo News鈥� Oscar Blog.
Oh, and by the way, she won an Oscar that night, too.
There are times when we really must say "sorry," but only when we actually do something mean, nasty, unethical, abusive, bullying, or harmful to another.
A case in point is听 a tweet by The Onion, a satirical paper, on Oscar night. According to the AP, The Onion posted a tweet calling the 9-year-old star of "Beasts of the Southern Wild" a vulgar and offensive name on Twitter.
The Onion referred to Quvenzhan茅 Wallis with an expletive intended to denigrate women, the听. "It was crude and offensive 鈥� not to mention inconsistent with The Onion's commitment to parody and satire, however biting," The Onion CEO Steve Hannah wrote on Facebook. "No person should be subjected to such a senseless, humorless comment masquerading as satire. Miss Wallis, you are young and talented and deserve better. All of us at The Onion are deeply sorry."
At least The Onion got the apology right, whereas Dov Hikind, a New York state assemblyman,听听to a Purim party at his house after at first defending it, the AP reported.
He defended it with rationalizations worthy of a child forced by parental pressure (in this case it was the public and media being the parents) to say 鈥渟orry鈥� to someone when he clearly feels put out by having to make the gesture.
Last night鈥檚听听irritated scowl as he tried to rationalize away his choice as something 鈥渆verybody does鈥� when they dress up for the Jewish holiday. Stewart noted people are intended to dress up as Biblical figures.
The one thing that is hardest for us to handle as parents may be the times we owe our kids an apology. I found a great guide for parents on how and when to say 鈥渟orry鈥� to your child听.
It tells you to try and see your action from the child鈥檚 point of view and imagine how your child felt when you said something that may have hurt their feelings. After all, a really good apology is about the other person and how we make them feel.
