Mentoring 101: What the kids want matters
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Stacy Teicher Khadaroo Staff writer
Shopping for clothes can be tough for Rayne, who identifies as neither female or male, but as nonbinary.
Rayne鈥檚 mentor, Katherin Hudkins, has been a 鈥渞ock,鈥� in cases like that.
鈥淚 was going to go into a dressing room and we were at a Target, and one of the workers gave me this look, and instantly she was right there, super supportive,鈥� says Rayne, who prefers to use the pronoun 鈥渢hey鈥� rather than 鈥渉e鈥� or 鈥渟he.鈥�
Rayne spent more than a decade in the foster-care system. Three years ago, Silver Lining Mentoring paired Rayne with Ms. Hudkins, a 20-something from the Boston area.
Talking with or seeing Katherin is 鈥渂asically the single thing that I look forward to every week. It鈥檚 pretty much everything,鈥� says Rayne. 鈥淚 have pictures on my wall of our meetings and our camping trips we did together鈥�. It鈥檚 nice to have someone who鈥檚 been there constantly.鈥�
Hudkins identifies as queer 鈥� an umbrella term that can embrace a variety of gender identities.听
鈥淚 was lucky to be in an incredibly supportive, loving environment when I was beginning to explore that identity as a teenager,鈥� she says. 鈥淸To not] have a safe stable place to do that is scary and sometimes even dangerous.鈥�
Through training at Silver Lining, she had been prepared for what could have been a slow road to trust for her and Rayne. But 鈥渞eally early on, it was pretty easy to get to know one another,鈥� she says. 鈥淲e both think each other is really, really cool.鈥�
That sense of having someone in your corner can be valuable to all young people. But research has shown that, when done effectively, mentoring particularly benefits vulnerable children 鈥撎�lowering chronic absenteeism, helping teens get off probation, and听improving graduation rates. Yet even with the growth of mentoring groups over the past two decades, an estimated 9 million at-risk children in the United States will turn 19 without that connection, reports MENTOR: The National Mentoring Partnership, a nonprofit that works to improve the quality of mentoring.听
鈥淎 lot of times people are afraid to explore.鈥� I tell people, just call some programs, do some shopping,鈥� says David Shapiro, MENTOR鈥檚 president and CEO. Mr. Shapiro is the guest speaker at 鈥淢entoring, Making a Difference,鈥� a Monitor-hosted event in Boston Oct. 20. (For a database of mentoring opportunities in your area, click here.)
Efforts to improve the quality of mentoring have been ramping up in recent years, but advocates are still working to make sure the kids who need them most find good mentors 鈥� and that those who take on these relationships are given the training and support needed to understand what the role demands and how to make it last.
鈥淚t鈥檚 so much more complex than just finding an adult who cares,鈥� says Jennifer Lindwall, a research assistant at Portland, Ore., State University who once oversaw the quality of mentoring for the state of Minnesota. Sometimes people 鈥渢hink it doesn鈥檛 matter what training [mentors] have,鈥� that kids should just be thankful to have an adult in their life.鈥�
She ticks off problems that can occur, especially when mentors exhibit biases they may not even be aware they have: Mentors who disparage kids鈥� families or communities, or won鈥檛 pick them up because of where they live, or appear to be trying to make the kids more like themselves. (In one case, she says, a mentor said they wanted to take a student to the country club to learn to talk 鈥減roperly.鈥�)
That鈥檚 not to say cross-cultural matches are necessarily bad. 鈥淚f students have a pretty strong sense of self 鈥� if they have multiple role models, at least one or two of whom match up with their race or some sort of culturally significant thing for them, then a mentor who comes from a really different background 鈥� provides a diversity of caring adults 鈥� to help them develop and grow,鈥� she says.听
Foster kids often bounce around between homes and caseworkers, with no adults in their lives except those who are paid to be there.
Silver Lining Mentoring carefully matches foster children ages 7 and up with volunteer mentors. It also provides in-depth training and coordinators who assist the pairs.
The average relationship lasts almost five years. But for some, there really is no endpoint.
Recently, a young man stopped by the office who has been with his mentor for 15 years. 鈥淭here鈥檚 nobody who remembers that awkward haircut he got in 7th grade except his mentor and our team,鈥� says CEO Colby Swettberg. 鈥淣o one had pictures of him from his prom. It was his mentor who had all this stuff, who was the relationship historian, who could remember and talk with him about how he鈥檚 changed.鈥澨�
'It helps me feel better about myself'
Jamil Lott grew up in St. Paul, Minn., without the consistent presence of a father. Coaches, uncles, and a grandfather stepped in at pivotal moments, he says, helping him achieve his dream of playing college basketball. He earned his bachelor鈥檚 degree from Marquette University in 2007.
So when he was approached three years ago to be a role model through New Lens Urban Mentoring Society, 鈥渋t was a no-brainer,鈥� he says.
鈥婨ducator Gayle Smaller had 鈥媗aunched the society in 2013 鈥媔n St. Paul to connect African-American men 鈥媤ith seventh- and eighth-grade boys and support them through high school.
But like many mentoring organizations around the country, it struggles at times to attract enough men. It strives for a ratio of one mentor for every three students, but staff members mentor up to five youths when there aren鈥檛 enough volunteers.
The program relies on black male mentors because of what can happen when underserved black boys grow up with only female role models. 鈥淲hen you bring a white male who is married, who is college-educated, who shows up on time, who takes them to do things that are outside of their community that they haven鈥檛 had exposure to 鈥� either they completely internalize the sense of 听鈥� 鈥榳e aren鈥檛 good enough for this鈥� and they go into a depression, or they take on the idea of full assimilation, where [they] try to be as white as possible,鈥� Mr. Smaller says.
New Lens currently serves 135 young people. On any given Saturday, about 80 of them show up for activities ranging from canoeing and fencing to college visits.听
Older mentors also join to nurture the younger mentors and share their wisdom about everything from founding a business to married life.听
鈥淲e come together as a big crew, the kids and the adults 鈥� and it鈥檚 all positive, and it just counters all these 鈥� narratives that you鈥檙e told,鈥� Lott says. 鈥淚t makes me feel better about myself. I鈥檇 like to believe these youth are getting what I was craving when I was a youth.鈥�
After two matches that fizzled out, Lott now mentors three teenagers 鈥� two through formal matches and one he bonded with during group activities.
Lott guesses at one reason it鈥檚 hard to attract more men to mentor: 鈥淵ou have to work through your own insecurities, which is hard for a lot of adult men鈥�. You have to be strong within yourself to know that 鈥� if this kid doesn鈥檛 like me or says something rude to me, it鈥檚 not the end of the world.鈥�
He recently earned a master鈥檚 degree in social work, while working full time at a school. With time so tight, he鈥檇 get frustrated if he made plans and a student wasn鈥檛 home to be picked up as arranged.
鈥淭here鈥檚 been many, many times that I鈥檝e wanted to give up,鈥� he says. 鈥淏ut when things get so hard and you work through that, that鈥檚 when you really see those results.鈥澨�
Ten years and counting
For decades, Elise Schiller worked with nonprofit groups to support inner-city students in Philadelphia. About nine years ago, a man doing some moving and hauling work for her office got curious about their early-childhood program. He was a single African-American dad to Jamie, a 2-1/2 year old girl who was having trouble speaking, so he asked for advice.
Ms. Schiller discovered that the babysitter was sometimes keeping the child in a playpen and was not speaking much to her. She helped the dad get Jamie a scholarship for her organization鈥檚 daycare program, where the girl made up ground quickly.
听When her dad ran late to pick Jamie up, Schiller would read to her. Schiller started offering to take her to zoos and museums with her grandchildren.听
When Jamie was in second grade, her dad raised concerns about violence at her school. Schiller helped him shop around and apply for a partial scholarship to a Quaker school.
Now 12, Jamie has traveled with Schiller鈥檚 family and attended summer camps at her expense.听
Schiller is white, but her neighborhood and social circles are largely black. Her ancestors ran schools for free blacks after the Civil War.听
鈥淲e talk about [race] all the time,鈥� she says of her relationship with Jamie, who also has contact with her Guyanese mother in Philadelphia. 鈥淪he鈥檚 old enough to learn the racial history of the United States, and so with that comes interest in her own racial identity and what it means.鈥�
'This relationship is going to stay'
Lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and questioning (LGBTQ) teens make up a significant portion of the foster care population, so all Silver Lining mentors learn about LGBTQ issues during cultural competency training. The group also recruits LGBTQ mentors for kids who request such a match.
Rayne has had five moves since being matched with Hudkins, and now lives more than an hour outside Boston, working in a factory and planning to go back to school to become a sign language interpreter. Hudkins still visits, and the two continue to attend the annual Silver Lining camping trip together.
Rayne knows 鈥渢hat no matter where they go, this relationship is going to stay,鈥� Hudkins says.
The support of the Silver Lining coordinator who knows them both has been helpful for Hudkins.
鈥淚t can be very hard in [tough] moments to step back from the urge to fix 鈥� and instead to be in this place of being empathic and supportive,鈥� she says. 鈥淏ut it does a lot to just say, 鈥榃ow, that sounds really, really hard,鈥� and to be there to listen.鈥�
Hudkins carries Silver Lining cards with her to spread the word.
鈥淕iving of yourself to someone who can become this really important person in your life is rewarding in so many ways,鈥� she says. 鈥淵ou don鈥檛 want to be just one more person who flits into someone鈥檚 life.
鈥淏ut if you do have the time to commit, it鈥檚 one of the best things I鈥檝e ever done.鈥澨�
Part 1:听Want kids to show up to school? Embed a mentor.
Part 2:听College supply list for low-income students: Books, financial aid ... a mentor
Part 3:听From juvenile detention to straight A's, with the help of a mentor
Part 4. The South African astronomer who built a pipeline to the stars
