海角大神

Change in another person has to come from within them, not from within you.

One of the most regular themes in emails I get from readers is a desire to somehow change the nature of the person they鈥檙e married to. 鈥淢y husband is uninterested in our finances and just wants to buy more gadgets.鈥� 鈥淢y wife wants to eat out every night and tells me that the future will take care of itself.鈥�

When people make statements and put forth behaviors like these, they鈥檙e acting upon their nature and what they believe about the world. Your husband considers finances to be unimportant and, right now, is passionate about gadgets. Your wife values dining out with you and truly believes that your bright future will take care of any problems that might come.

I understand all of these perspectives because I鈥檝e been on both sides of them. I understand what the first reader鈥檚 husband feels like when he鈥檚 uninterested in finances and much more concerned with getting new gadgets. I understand what the second reader鈥檚 wife feels like when she believes that her future self will handle the problems and that dining out tonight seems like the most enjoyable and reasonable options. And, of course, I understand how both of their spouses feel. The behaviors of their spouses are interfering with the frugality, sensible financial planning, and beautiful future that they envision for their marriages.

How did I turn that page? It鈥檚 easy and trite for me to , but to be honest, that was just one key moment in a long progression from being a wasteful spender to being someone more in control of their money.

First of all, I had inklings that a serious financial change was needed , at least. It was not an overnight change. It was the result of a lot of observations and thinking about my own life.

If you want your partner to become more financially conscious, make a fertile ground for your partner to think about those kinds of thoughts. Talk about the future in terms of specifics 鈥� and how you鈥檒l get from here to there. Whenever you make a purchase, talk about what you鈥檙e not getting because of that purchase.

Do not expect overnight change. The journey to financially reasonable thinking can be a very long one. Each time you encourage some positive thinking in that direction, view it as a mere step on a long journey. It could take months. It could take years.

Avoid confrontation. If it starts to be confrontational, change the subject. Most people do not like to have their beliefs challenged. In the end, it has much in common with a discussion between a liberal and a conservative on political issues: once it starts getting emotional, the conversation is nothing more than a shouting match between two people who have no real interest in what the other side is saying, only an interest in being 鈥渞ight鈥� while the other person is 鈥渨rong.鈥� When you鈥檝e reached that point, you鈥檙e both wasting your time.

Second, even after reaching that tipping point, it wasn鈥檛 all smooth and perfect. Simply put, there were alot of individual bad habits that I needed to disrupt. It was not as if I were immediately a financially wise frugal Zen master when I woke up one morning.

For you, this means be patient, even after your partner is starting to make positive moves on their own.They might be getting it, but then they鈥檒l go buy a gadget or go out for an expensive dinner. Don鈥檛 blow up 鈥� be patient. Give it time and look for ways to find balance between what you want and what they鈥檙e becoming.

Plant more ideas for them. If your partner is a reader, put books like Your Money or Your Life or on their bedside table and let them read the books at their own leisure. Send them a link to The Simple Dollar.

The key thing overall is to be patient and don鈥檛 give up on them. A radical change in a person鈥檚 perspective on how money and the world works never happens overnight. Instead of expecting a thousand mile journey at once, look for the small steps and encourage them.

Eventually, you鈥檒l have a partner who isn鈥檛 merely doing things just to please you and get you out of the way, but making financially wise choices for their own benefit.

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