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鈥淎sk Brianna鈥� is a Q&A column for 20-somethings or anyone else starting out. I鈥檓 here to help you manage your money, find a job and pay off student loans 鈥� all the real-world stuff no one taught us how to do in college. Send your questions about postgrad life to听askbrianna@nerdwallet.com.

This week鈥檚 question:

鈥淢y parents have always had an unhealthy relationship with money. How can I avoid their money mistakes?鈥�

I have a confession to make: I am turning into my mother. Like her, I rearrange the furniture in my apartment constantly, convinced it will breathe new life into the room if I shift the coffee table five inches to the right.

Along with quirky personality traits, I also inherited from my parents attitudes about money, both positive and problematic. My dad spent Sunday mornings smoking cigars in the basement and scribbling in his checkbook 鈥� 鈥淜eeping the lights on,鈥� as he put it 鈥� which impressed upon me the importance of paying bills on time. Now I have a sterling payment history, but I鈥檓 also neurotic about keeping it that way. When I was one day late on a credit card payment eight years ago, it felt like an egregious personal failing I鈥檇 never recover from.

鈥淢any of the behaviors that govern how we deal with money are already set听, which is a bit terrifying, if you think about it,鈥� says Beth Kobliner, author of 鈥淢ake Your Kid a Money Genius (Even If You鈥檙e Not): A Parents鈥� Guide for Kids 3 to 23.鈥�

Maybe your parents taught you to overspend, pinch pennies or fear investing in the stock market. You don鈥檛 have to relive their money mistakes. You can take steps to craft your own financial identity.

鈥淣o matter what your past is, whether your parents were good with money or bad with money, at a certain point you have to say, 鈥極K, this is on me,鈥欌�� Kobliner says.

Step 1: Revisit your formative years

Each of us has a script that dictates how we interact with money, says Brad Klontz, a clinical psychologist and certified financial planner. 鈥淎nd many of us don鈥檛 know who even wrote it or the circumstances in which these beliefs were determined,鈥� he says.

Start by considering how your parents talked about their finances 鈥� whether they avoided the topic altogether, or argued about it 鈥� and what behaviors they modeled for you. Try to identify three things you learned about money from your upbringing.

Step 2: Pinpoint your money beliefs

By the time you鈥檙e in your late 20s or 30s, you鈥檝e probably had exposure to basic money must-dos like spending less than you earn,听听补苍诲听. If you鈥檝e chosen not to follow such advice, that could be a result of your money beliefs, according to Klontz.

Think through your own experiences with money and note any patterns. Klontz recommends asking yourself the following questions:

• What is your biggest financial fear?
• What is your most joyful money memory? (For example, a trip you saved up for.)
• What is your most painful money memory? (For example, a debt that went into collections.)
• What lesson did you learn from your most painful money experiences? Did they inspire you to change your behavior?

Klontz says one of his clients shared how her grandmother swooped in to help her family pay housing costs when they were in danger of getting evicted. While this was a joyful memory, its lesson wasn鈥檛 as positive.

鈥淎s a child, that led to this belief where you don鈥檛 really need to worry about it, because something good will happen,鈥� Klontz says.

Step 3: Use your insights to shift behavior

Now that you鈥檝e identified your personal approach to money and how your family might have influenced it, you can focus on shifting those beliefs and changing your behavior.

These changes don鈥檛 need to be grand, sweeping alterations to your financial personality. Start by choosing one concrete action to focus on, like saving more or shopping less online. Consider automatically transferring $50 a month to a savings account or asking your boss about 401(k) options at work.

If you鈥檙e having an especially hard time making the shift, you don鈥檛 have to do it alone. Talk to a psychotherapist or a听听if you鈥檇 like to dig deeper into your relationship with money. A nonprofit credit counselor or a financial planner can help you pursue the goals you鈥檙e most committed to.

Brianna McGurran is a staff writer at NerdWallet, a personal finance website. Email:听bmcgurran@nerdwallet.com. Twitter:听.

This article was written by and was originally published by The Associated Press.

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