Marrying Anita
At 32, Anita Jain is an object of pity. Never mind her Harvard degree and a journalism career with its expat adventures in far-flung destinations such as London, Mexico City, and Singapore. Ask any auntie or uncle, and they will most assuredly shake their heads at 鈥淣aresh鈥檚 daughter who is still unmarried.鈥�
Naresh 鈥� said father of the pitiable girl 鈥� has regularly been placing matrimonial ads on his daughter鈥檚 behalf since her 20s: 鈥淭hey read something like, 鈥楳atch for Jain girl, Harvard-educated journalist, 25, fair, slim.鈥欌�� (Jain is both the family鈥檚 religion and last name.)
Her mother, meanwhile, has been worried since her daughter fell out the window of a three-story building at age 1: 鈥淢y mother鈥檚 greatest concern at the time, after learning that I hadn鈥檛 been gravely injured, was my marriageability. 鈥榃hat boy will marry her when he finds out?鈥欌��
So what鈥檚 an accomplished woman to do under such pressure? In Jain鈥檚 case, she relocates to the land of her immigrant parents to search for that elusive mate. And, in contemporary full-disclosure fashion, she writes a rollicking memoir: Marrying Anita: A Quest for Love in the New India.
Although the child of a blissfully happy arranged marriage, Jain enjoyed 鈥渁 rare amount of freedom during [her] twenties to find someone of [her] own choosing.鈥�
Marriage remained the goal: 鈥淚t would not be a stretch to say that 鈥榮haadi,鈥� the word for 鈥榤arriage鈥� in many Indian languages, is the first word a child in an Indian family understands after mummy and papa. To an Indian, marriage is a matter of karmic destiny.鈥�
Entering her 30s, Jain finds herself in Manhattan, caught up in the nightlife of young professionals, which translates into parties, bars, and forgetful hook-ups. Intimidated by talk of 鈥�JDate and booty calls鈥� and other unappealing methods of courtship, Jain eventually succumbs to her father鈥檚 Internet dating efforts on her behalf 鈥� he not only writes her profile but also screens unsuspecting prospects.
Even as she eschews her father鈥檚 updated version of arranged marriage, Jain鈥檚 opposition starts to falter: 鈥溾�fter a decade of Juan Carloses, and affairs with married men, and Craigslist flirtations, and emotionally bankrupt boyfriends, and (oddly, the most painful of all) the guys who just never call, [arranged marriage] no longer seemed like the most outlandish possibility.鈥�
India, Jain thinks, holds more options: 鈥淚 could go in for a strict arranged marriage, an 鈥榓ssisted marriage,鈥� or I could merely date in a pool far more oriented toward marriage than the one I was dealing with in New York City.鈥�
Jain gives herself a year in Delhi to find a husband. In a way, it was a tribute to her parents and their relationship. 鈥淸I]t was my father鈥檚 own self-taught views on women,鈥� Jain writes, 鈥渢hat had given me hope that I would be able to find a husband in India liberal enough in mind-set and outlook to handle me.鈥�
But the India to which Jain returns in the summer of 2005 is a brave new world that hardly recalls her father鈥檚 country of 鈥渂yzantine tales of indigence.鈥� Twenty-first century India is a behemoth success story filled with booming technology, enviable fashion, world-renowned literature and artists, and ever-present Bollywood glamour.
Setting up her new life is not without hurdles, least of all finding a place to live: After numerous setbacks in finding a flat, Jain comes across a newspaper article which reveals Delhi landlords 鈥渟uspect young women who can afford a place of their own to be involved in prostitution.鈥�
Jain is nothing if not tenacious, and finally manages to 鈥渟et up the perfect Indian home by myself in Delhi,鈥� complete with a cook and an insouciant maid who tells her which clothes make her look fat.
Highlights of her year-long mate-search include a long-distance flirtation with a Kashmiri ex-holy man, infatuation with a younger family friend, and initiating a devout Sikh into the joys of kissing.
When her parents come for a six-week visit, her father resorts again to marriage ads 鈥� which result in a hopeful online dalliance with a Luxembourg-based consultant and a 鈥渓ivetime鈥� relationship with an IT specialist who studied at her father鈥檚 alma mater.
Lest you think Jain鈥檚 narrative reads like an amorous laundry list, romance comes with some poignant revelations. Jain journeys to India in search of a husband, yes, but also 鈥渁 sense of belonging that I haven鈥檛 found in the U.S.鈥� Her reverse immigration ironically proves otherwise as she admits: 鈥淚 look Indian but am not.鈥�
鈥淸My] year in Delhi has thrown me so many curveballs, I should hardly be shocked,鈥� Jain concludes.
鈥淭hat full-of-possibility, anything-can-happen feel鈥� will eventually cement Jain鈥檚 stay. So does she or doesn鈥檛 she find true love? No secrets revealed here 鈥� just one hint: Skipping to the last page offers no easy answers!
Terry Hong is media arts consultant at the Smithsonian Asian Pacific American Program.
