海角大神

Aaref fled to Lebanon from Syria five years ago to escape the war raging in his homeland. But here, he found another kind of conflict 鈥撎齣n his home.

Life as a refugee in Lebanon is grueling. He鈥檚 under constant pressure to find enough money to pay the rent, feed his family, and take care of their medical needs.

The stress soon led to conflicts between Aaref and his wife, of the type they hadn鈥檛 experienced since they were young newlyweds learning to navigate life together.

鈥淲e fought about spending and finances. I would ask her not to spend too much money. Sometimes she would buy things that weren鈥檛 necessary,鈥� he says. The disagreements often escalated to shouting and even violence.

鈥淚n principle, I鈥檓 against hitting the wife or the children. But because of the stress, sometimes it gets out of hand,鈥� he admits. 鈥淪ometimes I was hitting her.鈥�

Domestic violence was a problem in Syria before the war, as it is in most societies. A 2005 study found that 21.8 percent of women surveyed reported being subjected to some sort of violence, and 13.8 percent of the husbands surveyed admitted they beat their wives.

Yet refugees themselves, and organizations working on gender-based violence, report overwhelmingly that the rate of intimate partner violence appears to have risen sharply among Syrians who were forced to flee their homeland. Many describe it as a result of the heavy pressures refugees endure, including hurdles to obtaining legal status, financial strain, and the stress of large families living cooped up in small dwellings.

While many aid programs have long targeted women with support programs, some organizations are now putting new focus on reaching men, hoping to address the problem at the source.

鈥淲orking on gender-based violence without involving the whole community will not work. If you empower the women but the perpetrator is still thinking the same way and acting the same way, you may worsen the problem,鈥� says Lara Chlela, manager of the International Medical Corps鈥� gender-based violence program in Lebanon. IMC has partnered with a local organization, Abaad, to open a center for men in Beirut to raise awareness of gender-based violence, engage men on gender equality, and provide support. It also runs two other men's centers outside the capital.听

Aaref, a 53-year-old from Deraa who asked to be identified by his first name, and听whose paint-splattered clothes attest to his work as a laborer, attended new sessions for men organized by Basmeh & Zeitooneh, an organization serving Syrian refugees in Lebanon. He says the meetings helped him find ways to manage stress.

鈥淭hey were good in terms of awareness and educating us, because at our age, we鈥檙e a little bit old-fashioned,鈥� he says. 鈥淪o we learned new things and got new approaches. We discussed problems and how to handle them.鈥�

One solution the men discussed, he said, was to leave home and take a walk if a man gets so upset that he feels the urge to use violence. It鈥檚 a method he has used himself, and he says he鈥檚 better able to handle stress now. At the time of his interview, however, his wife was back in Syria to receive medical treatment they couldn鈥檛 afford in Lebanon.

Gaining men's trust

One of the main challenges for those trying to work with men on gender-based violence is approaching them in the first place, and getting them to listen, says Ms. Chlela of IMC.

鈥淭o approach a group of men saying, 鈥極K, now we鈥檙e going to talk about why you beat your wives鈥� 鈥� no, no, no,鈥� she says. 鈥淵ou start with other issues,鈥� like talking about sports, she says. 鈥淲hen you gain their trust you can address any issue.鈥�

This is something Hamoud Selman Mujadel knows well. A social worker at Basmeh & Zeitooneh, he leads the mens鈥� sessions, including the ones Aaref attended. They are not lectures. Instead he facilitates discussions and group activities to help the men comfortably address issues they鈥檙e dealing with, including violence.

In one exercise, Mr. Mujadel presents a scenario: A man has been working all day, he鈥檚 tired, and he comes home and finds his wife is on the phone and hasn鈥檛 prepared dinner. He asks the men what they would do. 鈥淪ome say, send her back to her parents. Others say, discuss together. Others say, hit her.鈥�

When men discuss ways to express their frustration without resorting to violence, 鈥渋t gives a positive impulse and positive point, it helps other guys maybe change their minds, not to hit their wives,鈥� he says. Were he to simply instruct them not to beat their wives, they would be less likely to listen, he says, and might even stop attending the sessions.

The aim of the sessions, he says, is to 鈥渕inimize the psychological pressure on men.鈥� That鈥檚 a major factor in violence 鈥� Mujadel says a minority of men believe it鈥檚 their right to beat their wives and children, but most resort to violence out of stress and frustration, and aren鈥檛 proud of it. Helping them find ways to manage their stress can reduce the violence.

Men are not alone in using violence. Social workers say women beating their children is a problem as well. It鈥檚 often a cycle of violence, with women who are exposed to beatings passing them on to their children, they say.

鈥淭his is how we know, often, that the husband is beating the wife, because she鈥檚 beating the kids and we follow up鈥� and find the wife is also being abused, says Manar Karout, a social worker at a center in Beirut鈥檚 Ain al Remmenah neighborhood run by the Amel Association.

Even the request for help is a success

When she finds such cases, she tries to talk privately with the men. They often blame their children, saying they can鈥檛 handle the noise or the annoyance of being cooped up in small apartments or tents, when they were used to larger homes and busier lives back in Syria.

鈥淚 realized recently that they鈥檙e aware, they admit this is wrong, and they blame it on the social pressure on them,鈥� she says. 鈥淲omen can also be demanding, wanting money they don鈥檛 have. We put them together, to discuss money and get finances in order, to try to solve the reasons this is happening.鈥� She says such sessions are often helpful.

In one Beirut neighborhood, a small, nondescript apartment with green doors houses Abaad鈥檚 Men鈥檚 Center, where men can come to receive counseling. Most don鈥檛 come because of a problem with violence, but for other issues, like depression.

Yet violence and aggression 鈥� whether they realize it or not 鈥� is common, says Gisele Abichahine, a pscyhotherapist who works at the center, which works with all men, whether refugees or not. One cause of violence among refugee men she has worked with is their feeling of being emasculated, as the demands of refugee life lead their wives to take on roles traditionally filled by men.

It鈥檚 usually difficult for men to admit they have a problem and need help, she says, so simply coming to the center is a big step. It鈥檚 a rare place where they can discuss feelings that might be taboo elsewhere.

鈥淎ll the men I worked with, they鈥檝e all been told you can鈥檛 cry, you鈥檙e a boy,鈥� she says. 鈥淏oys grow up suppressed. It鈥檚 forbidden for them to express frustration, sadness, fear, insecurity, stress, even happiness. All the emotions are blocked, and the only emotion that is encouraged is violence.鈥�

In this environment, she adds, 鈥渆ven the fact they come here and seek help is a success for me.鈥�

Suzan Haidamous contributed reporting.

Reporting for this story was supported by the International Women鈥檚 Media Foundation's Reporting Grants for Women鈥檚 Stories Initiative.听