海角大神

Some months into the pandemic, Kanika Harris gave up on her video game rule.聽

The director of maternal health for the nonprofit Black Women鈥檚 Health Imperative, Dr. Harris had been working remotely from her home in Washington, D.C., while her 3-year-old twins played in a learning pod in the basement. Her 8-year-old, Tezi, had been at home for months, and his youth basketball league had shut down 鈥� along with the play dates, the neighborhood picnics, and the extended family get-togethers. Her son was bored. He wanted to connect with other children.

And Dr. Harris just didn鈥檛 have the energy to argue. She is a Black woman in a pandemic that has disproportionately affected Black women, both physically and economically, during a moment of racial reckoning that has required even more painful conversations with Black children. Family members were losing jobs, friends were getting sick, work was intense, and the laundry and cooking seemed to never end.聽

So she and her husband agreed to let Tezi play Fortnite, the multiplayer video game.

鈥淏efore, it was, 鈥極h, Fortnite. We don鈥檛 do that,鈥欌�� she says. 鈥淎nd we鈥檇 judge other parents for it. And now my son is totally addicted. We鈥檙e wrestling with that. But it鈥檚 hard to get your only break of the day and be, 鈥楲et鈥檚 play games, let鈥檚 color, let鈥檚 draw, let鈥檚 go outside.鈥� You鈥檙e just done.鈥�

She is not alone in her feelings.

As the United States surpasses the one-year mark of pandemic-related disruption, parents across the country are grappling with job losses, economic turmoil, and profound upheaval in the way they live, work, and send their children to school. They are also, in ways large and small, changing the way they parent.聽

In the midst of what the American Psychological Association has called a 鈥渕ental health crisis鈥� for caregivers, those with children are starting to relax some of their rules. They are giving kids a bit more independence, and themselves a bit more grace. They are softening stances against screen time and are expecting more help with household chores. They are noticing that what once felt like individual parenting failures or triumphs are far more universal 鈥� and systemic 鈥� than they realized before.

And while these shifts can be uncomfortable, they are also casting a new light on the American culture of 鈥渋ntensive parenting,鈥� a style of child rearing that requires concerted levels of attention, time, and money. While most people still believe in many tenets of this parenting method 鈥� an emotional connection with children is important, the vast majority of parents agree 鈥� there is also a growing recognition that families simply can鈥檛 follow all of the 鈥渟houlds鈥� of modern-day caregiving.聽

鈥淭he pandemic is showing us the ways that the pre-pandemic norms of 鈥榞ood parenting鈥� were, to a large degree, unachievable or unsustainable for the vast majority of families,鈥� says Linda Quirke, a sociology professor at Wilfrid Laurier University in Waterloo, Ontario, who studies parenting advice. 鈥淚t鈥檚 pulling back the curtain.鈥�

The rise of always-there caregiving

Much has been written about the pandemic鈥檚 impact on parents 鈥� the brutal intersection of job loss, child care loss, school closures, and financial stress. But according to many studies, parents 鈥� particularly mothers 鈥� were experiencing growing levels of anxiety even before COVID-19.

Part of this is because women have been increasingly taking on work for decades, both inside and outside of the home. By 2019, the majority of mothers were in the professional labor force 鈥� more than 72% of mothers with children under age 18, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics. But they were also spending more time parenting than ever before.

According to time-use studies, working mothers in the 2010s spent more time engaged with their children than stay-at-home mothers did in the 1960s. Combine that with child care costs that have ballooned over the past decades, a rise in the number of mothers parenting on their own (nearly a quarter of all moms), and growing economic disparity, and it鈥檚 no wonder that many mothers report feeling burned out 鈥� some 86% in 2019, according to a survey conducted by Motherly, an online community for parents.

But there鈥檚 even more going on here, scholars say. And it has to do with the style of parenting.

Sociologists first started talking about 鈥渋ntensive parenting,鈥� or 鈥渋ntensive mothering,鈥� in the late 1990s. Academics began noticing a clear shift not only in the way parents behaved, but also in how they conceived of childhood itself. An intensive mother believed that families should be child-centered, that mothers were best positioned to give care, and that parents should fully invest in their children, emotionally and financially. Moreover, parents should provide intellectual stimulation and expert-guided developmental encouragement, this philosophy stated, while at the same time offering unwavering warmth, kindness, and security.

This sort of parenting involves not only a lot of time interacting with children, but also a huge amount of what sociologists call 鈥渃ognitive labor.鈥� That鈥檚 the time planning the birthday party, researching summer camps, emailing teachers, and figuring out where to take violin classes. It鈥檚 determining what baby food approach is best, and then Googling the ideal recipe for organic carrot-peach mush.

If 鈥渉elicopter parent鈥� is a pejorative term to describe a mother who swoops in to prevent harm befalling her child, intensive parenting is something else: a full-time job of 鈥渙ptimizing childhood,鈥� as Dr. Quirke puts it.

鈥淚t鈥檚 the idea that there is a very important role for parents, that they need to be lining up experiences that are enriching,鈥� she says. 鈥淚t鈥檚 the idea that parents, especially mothers, should have a very prominent role in managing their children鈥檚 time and overseeing their children鈥檚 activities, with the aim of trying to foster their development in all these ways.鈥�

If all of this just sounds normal, it鈥檚 because almost everyone in the U.S. at this point agrees that intensive parenting is the best way to raise children. This has not always been the case. Two generations ago, scholars point out, parents were cautioned against this sort of always-there caregiving, with admonitions that children would become too fretful or anxious.

In 2018, Cornell University sociologist Patrick Ishizuka highlighted the shift in the country鈥檚 attitudes toward parenting. He published a study showing that American moms and dads, across racial and socioeconomic lines, overwhelmingly approved of intensive parenting behavior. He concluded that different caregiving styles in the U.S. generally stemmed not from differences in ideology, but from differences in resources. In other words, if lower-income parents could spend large amounts of time and money on children, they would.

For those who study parenting and social trends, this is not that surprising. Societies with high economic inequality tend to also have intensive parenting cultures. Adults in these countries feel pressure to give their children advantages because the cost of 鈥渇alling behind鈥� is so great, according to Matthias Doepke, an economics professor at Northwestern University.

鈥淲e see that type of parenting across socioeconomic groups,鈥� Dr. Doepke says. 鈥淚t鈥檚 a worldwide trend wherever inequality is going up.鈥�

It seems so important to get children into a high-quality college, for instance, because there is actually a big difference in financial security for those who have graduated from elite schools compared with those who haven鈥檛. And because admissions processes are so random and mysterious, there is a scramble to give children one more activity, one more Advanced Placement class, one more enriching experience, all in hopes of getting them into Princeton or Penn.聽

鈥淧eople feel trapped by the whole intensive parenting thing,鈥� says Dr. Joshua Coleman, a psychologist and senior fellow with the Council on Contemporary Families, a nonprofit academic group. 鈥淭hey feel really guilty if they aren鈥檛 doing it. Some people know it鈥檚 a scam 鈥� that kids don鈥檛 have to be involved in all these activities. Some older parents even feel sorry for kids because their lives are so structured. But [parents] worry that if they don鈥檛 do it, they鈥檒l be denying kids something really important.鈥�

Of course, this sort of parenting comes with costs. There are financial burdens, both to pay for all of those soccer clinics and to outsource menial labor, such as cleaning.

Then there is the time. The labor of intensive parenting is usually performed by mothers. Someone has to drive to ballet class. Someone has to write to the school administrator to ask why a child didn鈥檛 get into the higher math class.

All of this means that many parents feel they are constantly falling short. Big societal problems, Dr. Doepke says, such as income inequality, underinvestment in child care, and opaque college admissions processes, are shifted onto the shoulders of parents. And the anxiety of constantly striving and worrying is regularly transferred onto children.

So if there鈥檚 anything good about the pandemic, he says, it鈥檚 that it鈥檚 triggering some rethinking. 鈥淎re we doing this right? Is there an easier way, or a better way of doing this?鈥�

Advocates for mothers agree.

鈥淧eople across the country are waking up to the fact that we don鈥檛 have an epidemic of personal failures in terms of parenting,鈥� says Kristin Rowe-Finkbeiner, co-founder聽and executive director of the advocacy group MomsRising. 鈥淲e have a lack of countrywide structures.鈥�

Ms. Rowe-Finkbeiner鈥檚 group has been making a concerted push for policies such as paid family leave, universal child care, and gender pay equity to help what she describes as 鈥減arents at a breaking point.鈥�

鈥淲e were in a time crisis before the pandemic. Now the time crisis has become a time catastrophe,鈥� she says. 鈥淚t is simple. We need to value the paid and unpaid work of people who are doing caregiving.鈥�

鈥淭his is crazy pants鈥�

Rebecca Woitkowski knows all about structures. A lawyer by training, she is the policy coordinator for the Kids Count initiative at New Futures, a nonprofit that advocates for the well-being of children and families in New Hampshire. She spends her workdays lobbying the state legislature for programs and policies such as affordable child care and nutrition assistance. It鈥檚 a workday that she now tries to cram into the early mornings so she can then care for her 3-year-old and 7-year-old.聽

It has not been easy. Those first weeks of the pandemic were the most intense. That鈥檚 when schools and businesses were shutting down, but her work, which was focused on arranging child care for the state鈥檚 essential workers, was more important than ever.

Her husband, who had previously left for work before breakfast, switched his schedule around so they could do child care in shifts. Although she felt grateful to be healthy and relatively financially secure, she also felt mounting anxiety.

鈥淗ow do you pivot to be successful in your career and also be successful as a mom and a teacher?鈥� she says. 鈥淭hat鈥檚 where the insurmountable nature of everything lives in my chest. I want to be really good in my job, be a really good teacher for e-learning with my daughter, and also be there for my little one and make sure he鈥檚 getting what he needs.鈥�

Buddy Scarborough, a sociologist at the University of North Texas in Denton, says the double pressure to be both an 鈥渋deal worker鈥� and an 鈥渋deal parent鈥� is a hallmark of modern-day American culture.聽

鈥淲e have these ideal worker norms where you work 40 hours a week if not more, you don鈥檛 complain, you鈥檙e ambitious,鈥� he says. 鈥淎nd we also have these intensive parenting norms 鈥� time-intensive, productive, with extracurricular activities, high-quality time with kids all the time. They鈥檝e always been in conflict. But now it鈥檚 on another level in a way that we鈥檝e never had.鈥�

Jessica Calarco, a professor at Indiana University Bloomington, has been following a group of 250 mothers with young children since 2018, and says women were already 鈥渉olding themselves to almost impossible standards.鈥� Many reported skipping showers or going without meals to care for children. Now, during the pandemic, many said they felt even more pressure to 鈥渕ake things OK鈥� for their children. One full-time lawyer told researchers that when she started venting about the impossible workload, her mother-in-law advised her to 鈥渃herish these times鈥� instead. Another mother received texts from a family member with 鈥�50 fun activities you can do with kids at home.鈥澛�

Well-meaning as the suggestions may be, they are not particularly helpful, Dr. Calarco says. 鈥淭he social norms we have tell mothers that not only should they sacrifice themselves to maintain and support children鈥檚 well-being, but in moments of crises they should double down on that investment,鈥� she says. 鈥淲e鈥檙e telling mothers that they should be making this time as normal, and even as special, as possible. And the rhetoric assumes that鈥檚 just going to happen automatically. It鈥檚 a lot of labor to protect kids鈥� well-being during this.鈥�

Indeed, says Sarah Kooiman, the founder of Milwaukee Mom, a local online parenting group for mothers, 鈥淚 think we鈥檙e all saying this is crazy pants 鈥� every single one of us. We鈥檙e at a different level of burnt-out exhausted than we鈥檝e ever been.鈥�

Women feel guilt for not meeting expectations in either the professional or mothering realms, she says, and then feel guilt for feeling guilt, because they know the mom next door lost her job and her kids are going hungry and they shouldn鈥檛 complain.

Exactly, says Emily Oster, an economics professor at Brown University who studies parenting. 鈥淚f we think back to March and when all the schools closed and everybody ended up back at home with their kids, there was a moment in the high-pressure parenting space where people embraced that,鈥� she says. 鈥淵ou know, 鈥楾his is my opportunity to run the greatest home school on planet Earth. Here is my color-coded schedule, and we鈥檒l be baking zucchini bread. ... That was all well and good for three weeks. Maybe a week and a half. And then the reality hit us.鈥�

Mothers, she says, quickly realized that 鈥渟ome of this high intensity has to go.鈥�

鈥淭his has prompted a shift in people鈥檚 minds of what is possible,鈥� she says.

鈥淚t鈥檚 a snow-day approach鈥�

This was certainly true for Ms. Woitkowski. Some days during the pandemic, she felt she was 鈥渘ailing it.鈥� Other times, she describes herself as 鈥渁 complete hot mess.鈥� 聽

But eventually, somewhere along the way, she noticed that she didn鈥檛 care as much if the house wasn鈥檛 perfectly clean. She didn鈥檛 actually miss the enriching classes that her children couldn鈥檛 attend. Her family spent time together rather than running from one activity to the next. 聽

鈥淲e never had breakfast together,鈥� she says. 鈥淢y husband would be at work. My kids would be there, but I鈥檇 be tossing the cereal bowls at them. I don鈥檛 want to go back to a place where we spend more time in a car than we do sitting next to each other and talking to each other.鈥�

She also started focusing more on herself. She began running. She started to hike. Not only was her family OK without her, but she also noticed that her children were excited when she came back and could report that she had conquered the next one of New Hampshire鈥檚 4,000-footers.

Nikki Springer, a single mother of 7-year-old twins who lives in Orlando, Florida, also recognizes some shifts. It started one day last spring when the news came on the car radio. Usually she tries to make sure her children don鈥檛 hear disturbing dispatches from across the world. But on this day it was a report about the pandemic, and she kept listening. 鈥淚 realized I couldn鈥檛 shield them from this,鈥� she says.

While letting go a bit has been difficult, it has also proved a relief. Her children have cut down on their activities. She sees their disappointment in not going to school or to scouting events. But, she says, while she would have once tried to make everything all right, these days 鈥渨e鈥檝e been using this time to build real empathy.鈥�

She has also relaxed her own rules, even as she has spent more time working with her children on math and reading.聽

鈥淚t鈥檚 a snow-day approach to a certain extent,鈥� she says. 鈥淚鈥檝e had to be more open-minded, more giving on things, which at the end of the day are really fine. I mean, there鈥檚 no reason you can鈥檛 sleep in your tent in the living room. And with school? They鈥檙e in first grade. They鈥檒l survive.鈥�

Less anxiety, more independence

Not only will they survive, but they could thrive, says Lenore Skenazy, founder of the Free-Range Kids movement and president of Let Grow, a nonprofit dedicated to children鈥檚 well-being through independence.

Although she recognizes that many families are facing hardships because of the pandemic, she says there is also evidence that this forced break from intensive parenting is beneficial. This past spring, she and Peter Gray, a research professor at Boston College, oversaw two studies of American parents and their children ages 8 to 13.

The survey asked how calm children felt compared with before the pandemic. It also asked for details about whether they had learned any new activities and how they would rate their anxiety levels. 鈥淭here was so much worry that children would be suffering from being at home and not having their usual activities,鈥� says Dr. Gray.聽

What they found, he says, is that children reported feeling calmer during the early months of the pandemic than they had been during school. While parents鈥� anxiety levels had increased, children鈥檚 had decreased. Parents also reported that young people had more independence. They were also doing more chores around the house, learning new hobbies such as playing the guitar or cooking, and, yes, playing more video games. And in doing so, they reported far greater life satisfaction.聽

鈥淲e keep hearing that everybody鈥檚 at their wits鈥� end,鈥� Ms. Skenazy says. 鈥淥f course, people are at their wits鈥� end. ... But in terms of child development 鈥� we forget that children are resilient and adaptive.鈥�

And we forget, she says, that children were suffering before the pandemic, with growing anxiety and depression levels.聽

鈥淚 understand the economic fears. I really do,鈥� she says. 鈥淏ut the idea that if you are not showing constant attention to your kids and amplifying and enriching every moment, you are leaving them behind 鈥� I don鈥檛 think that鈥檚 true.鈥�

For parents, this may offer a modicum of relief. 鈥淧arents are seeing what their kids can do,鈥� says Dr. Gray. 鈥淎nd it is changing the way parents are behaving.鈥�