海角大神

Megan Kacenski is up a tree 鈥� her seventh tree of the day, in fact. By now her arms feel too exhausted to lift her chain saw, let alone make a cut. Her crew is growing impatient on the ground, waiting for her to get it together, prune the limb, and move on. Then, oddly enough, a Bible verse pops into her mind: 鈥淪he is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.鈥� And the 20-something makes the cut.

Why does Ms. Kacenski even want to be in this place, 120 feet in the air, when she could be safely in an office? For her, it鈥檚 about love: 鈥淚 started climbing and working in the field, and I fell in love with it,鈥� she says. She鈥檚 starting, ostensibly, at the 鈥渂ottom鈥� in her training for the national tree care company that her extended family owns. 鈥淚 love being outside with the different types of trees, the different challenges. It鈥檚 very physical.鈥�

Ms. Kacenski got to this place of opportunity with the help of the Fifth Commandment, which directed her to persist during family troubles and ultimately guided her to new relationships with her parents, who encourage her to soar. Ms. Kacenski spoke with the Monitor about the Fifth Commandment 鈥� Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee (Exodus 20:12) 鈥� as part of our series about the ways in which ancient principles like the Commandments continue to matter in today鈥檚 world.

鈥淚 think this Commandment is something young people struggle with the most. Growing up is hard,鈥� she says, surrounded by the trees that constitute her work. Now a grown-up herself 鈥� and with an awareness perhaps beyond her years 鈥� she sees the Commandment as not just an obligation but an opportunity. The key for her, she says, has been 鈥渁dapting to change and still finding love in the [parent-child] relationship.鈥�

Ms. Kacenski needed to start adapting in the sixth grade, when her parents sat their two children down to tell them they were getting divorced. She hadn鈥檛 seen it coming. 鈥淵ou have a tendency to be mad,鈥� she says.

She was at an age when relationships with parents can get testy even in the best of circumstances. Raised Roman Catholic and attending Catholic school, she knew her Commandments well, and knew she wasn鈥檛 doing much honoring of her parents at the time. She鈥檇 come home from school and head immediately to her room to 鈥渟tudy.鈥� She鈥檇 play her parents off each other. 鈥淚 knew I was being difficult. I knew I couldn鈥檛 blame them and take everything out on them. I knew it was wrong to hole up in my room,鈥� she says.

She also questioned whether her parents were honoring their own faith commitments: 鈥淎 lot of times in high school when religion teachers would discuss [marriage], it was upsetting that my parents made a decision that the church doesn鈥檛 necessarily approve of.鈥�

She managed her emotions by keeping a journal. She also searched online for understanding, and it was there that she came across Proverbs 31, describing a virtuous woman as laughing 鈥渨ithout fear of the future.鈥� The verse became her credo of sorts, and she began writing 鈥�31:25鈥� on her hand when facing stress. Her mother eventually bought her a ring with the verse on it. 鈥淚 think she was afraid I鈥檇 get it tattooed,鈥� Ms. Kacenski says. Still today, the proverb, as well as a French variation, elle est forte (she is strong), pops up when she needs it most. 鈥淚t always calms me down,鈥� she says.

At college, a turning point

It wasn鈥檛 until college, she says, that she understood and fully accepted the divorce. 鈥淚 needed to remove myself from it to see it,鈥� says Ms. Kacenski, who grew up in Connecticut. At the University of Massachusetts Amherst, she got involved with campus ministry at the Catholic Newman Center. There she found friends, a Bible study group, a chapel for moments of respite, a priest skilled at applying the Gospels to real-life situations, and leadership opportunities. 鈥淚n college I made my faith my own. I was able to choose being a Catholic,鈥� she says. And the process of exploring the imperatives of her faith strengthened her relationships with her parents, she believes. It was a matter of 鈥渓earning what you鈥檙e supposed to do, and following through with that.鈥�

Mary Murphy, Ms. Kacenski鈥檚 mother, attributes the family鈥檚 ability to move forward from divorce to a faith tradition shared across generations in their large extended family. 鈥淵ou realize you have to be considerate of each other. Everyone goes through difficult times, and you just have to respect each other,鈥� she says. 鈥淲e鈥檙e a very respectful family.鈥�

The baseline of respect, rather than any specific strategy, carried the family through, she believes. 鈥淭he divorce was very challenging. It was necessary. I felt horrible about it, but they understand the reasons now,鈥� she says.

Ms. Murphy鈥檚 first child died at birth, an event that she says brought her closer to God and also, over the years, to her surviving daughter. 鈥淲e always talked about her as her guardian angel, and she still considers her to be her sister,鈥� Ms. Murphy says. She thinks that Megan鈥檚 knowledge of the loss her mother suffered adds another dimension to her daughter鈥檚 respect. 鈥淚鈥檓 glad she still has her faith,鈥� Ms. Murphy notes.

Moving to Philadelphia

In Philadelphia, where Ms. Kacenski moved after graduation last year, she worships in a parish in her lively Manayunk neighborhood. She thinks about starting a women鈥檚 Bible study. She gets help in living out her values from an 鈥渁ccountability buddy,鈥� one of several close friends who care for and listen to each other, and offer advice from a place of faith, calling each other out when need be. 鈥淵ou need at least one person in your life like that,鈥� she says.

Her journal, which she went through recently, reads 鈥渁 lot happier now.鈥� It鈥檚 more a recounting of concerts and restaurants and less frustration and upset.

But even though she鈥檚 moved, family is still 鈥渁t the forefront of my life,鈥� she says. 鈥淭hey鈥檙e constantly on my mind.鈥� She talks with her mom on the phone every day, and her dad once a week. And whereas they鈥檝e acted for years as her personal cheering section, she鈥檚 now one of their boosters, encouraging her mother, especially, in post child-rearing pursuits such as travel and running a 5K. She looks forward to returning home to each of her parents 鈥� to enjoying her father鈥檚 legendary French toast, to cooking alongside her mom for the holidays.

She agrees with her parents now that divorce was the best thing for their family, and also sees positive fallout from it. There鈥檚 the singular bond she and her brother forged as they trekked from one parent鈥檚 house to the other鈥檚 three times a week. There鈥檚 the court-mandated time she spent with her father, which brought them closer than his six-day workweeks had previously allowed.

鈥淲hen I was younger, I took the Commandment as, 鈥楾hey鈥檙e your parents. You have to respect them.鈥� Now, they鈥檙e people. Sometimes they make mistakes,鈥� she says. 鈥淵ou have to forgive and move on. [Today] I interpret it as it should be a mutual respect. They鈥檝e pushed me in my adventures, and I want to do the same for them. Now I ask, 鈥榃hat鈥檚 going on in your life?鈥� I care what鈥檚 going on in their life.鈥�

Ms. Kacenski thinks it鈥檚 likely she鈥檒l be sore tomorrow, after the especially demanding day up in the trees. But it鈥檒l be a good sore, she expects, the result of taking on her favorite challenge. She鈥檚 hardly able to be outdoors without doing a mental tally of the trees and their needs, from the newly planted replacement tree to the majestic oak she considers irreplaceable.

鈥淲hen you鈥檙e outside with me, I鈥檓 always looking up.鈥�

Part 1: The Commandments as a moral source code in modern life

Part 2: How does the First Commandment fit in today?

Part 3: 鈥業 have to have humility鈥�: How Second Commandment helped man find freedom

Part听4:听One woman embraces Third Commandment in feeding 1,600 at Thanksgiving

Part 5: 鈥楻emember the sabbath鈥�: How one family lives the Fourth Commandment

Part 6: 鈥楪rowing up is hard鈥�: How Fifth Commandment guided a child during divorce

Part 7: Is saying 鈥業鈥檇 kill for those shoes鈥� OK? One woman and Sixth Commandment.

Part 8: Is chastity old-fashioned? An NFL veteran鈥檚 take on Seventh Commandment.

Part 9: 鈥楾hou shalt not steal鈥�: Even someone else鈥檚 joy, says one educator

Part 10: 鈥楾hou shalt not bear false witness鈥�: Ninth Commandment goes to Princeton

Part 11: Jealousy at Ivy League level: How a law professor views Tenth Commandment