海角大神

Stephen Colbert鈥檚 super PAC 鈥� or rather, the super PAC Stephen Colbert used to control 鈥� is being held hostage by Jon Stewart, in case you haven鈥檛 heard. It鈥檚 now day three of this national crisis. Will Mr. Colbert ever get his money back from its 鈥渆vil stepfather鈥�?

鈥淒on鈥檛 hurt my $ Jon!鈥� Colbert tweeted on Wednesday morning. 鈥淚t has sentimental value, and even more monetary value!鈥�

Yes, yes, we think Colbert will regain his cash. But first, let鈥檚 back up and explain what鈥檚 happening for those of you who are just tuning in.

Last year the 鈥淐olbert Report鈥� host formed his own super political-action committee in order to satirize how unlimited bucks now flow into the political system. In particular, he鈥檚 taken aim at the semi-fiction that candidates don鈥檛 coordinate with super PACs that support them. (All a candidate has to do is go on 鈥淔ox and Friends鈥� and announce to the world what he wants his own friends to do. Super PAC officials can listen to that like everybody else.)

Then Colbert decided to explore running for president of South Carolina, after an actual poll showed him getting the support of 5 percent of Palmetto State GOP voters. He had to give up control of his super PAC to maintain the fa莽ade of non-coordination. He gave the keys to Mr. Stewart, in a handshake ceremony that had green light and spooky music. As we鈥檝e said before, they looked like Severus Snape and Narcissa Malfoy doing the Unbreakable Vow in 鈥淗arry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.鈥�

But Colbert鈥檚 exploration cratered. He couldn鈥檛 get on the ballot in South Carolina, and there are no write-ins, so he urged South Carolinians to vote for Herman Cain, since Cain has dropped out but his name remained on the ballot. (OK, when we put it that way, it sounds like a steampunk version of a Dickens plot, doesn鈥檛 it? All it needs is a plucky orphan and a lame dog.)

How did that go? Not well.

鈥淚 urged South Carolinians to vote for me by voting for Herman Cain. And when all the votes were counted, we came in number one ... percent,鈥� said Colbert on his show Monday. 鈥淓at it, others, and statistical anomalies! We made it to integers.鈥�

So Colbert ended his exploration, and asked Stewart to return his super PAC. Stewart refused. A video clip showed the 鈥淒aily Show鈥� host flying away in a PAC-financed blimp, cackling.

Colbert has pretended to be distraught ever since.

鈥淚 just cannot imagine how scared my money must be right now. Nation, won鈥檛 you comfort my money by sending it more of itself?鈥� he said Tuesday.

But we think he鈥檒l get his cash back. We have two reasons: one practical, one comedic.

The practical reason is that future control of the super PAC depends on what its bylaws say. Colbert鈥檚 lawyer is Trevor Potter, a former head of the Federal Election Commission, so these by-laws are probably sophisticated. Perhaps the board of directors consists of ... Potter himself! Or something like that. No good lawyer would have let Colbert cede control of all that moolah without building in some way to reel it back.

The comedic reason is that it鈥檚 funnier if Colbert gets the money back, eventually, after a struggle that may involve faux zeppelin combat, or perhaps a staged rescue by Navy SEALs.

Colbert鈥檚 main satiric point is that candidates really do exert a soft form of control over super PACs. That message would be served by Colbert regaining the super PAC reigns. If Stewart keeps the cash, it will make it look like these things actually have a modicum of independence. Got that?

We await hostage crisis, day four.