海角大神

I know a teacher, now retired, who, after a punctilious career correcting the young, still remains as baffled as ever by the skill with which most of her charges eventually learned to read and write.

Her amazement is understandable. Our native tongue overflows with pitfalls.

Consider the inexplicableness (for a child) of a language in which the plural of 鈥済oose鈥� is 鈥済eese鈥� while the plural of 鈥渕ongoose鈥� is 鈥渕on颅gooses.鈥� Imagine the similar complexity involved in the fact that one mouse is a 鈥渕ouse,鈥� but several are 鈥渕ice,鈥� while a number of 鈥渉ouses鈥� are not generally known as 鈥渉ice.鈥� Similarly, one would imagine, farmers鈥� children have to learn that while a lot of cows are described as such, a lot of sheep are not 鈥渟heeps.鈥�

Then, if this is not sufficient illogic, there are the words that sound identical but have completely different functions, such as 鈥渢here,鈥� 鈥渢hey鈥檙e,鈥� and 鈥渢heir.鈥� Or 鈥渢wo,鈥� 鈥渢o,鈥� and 鈥渢oo.鈥� And why, a child might reasonably ask, does 鈥渢hrough鈥� rhyme with 鈥渂oo,鈥� when 鈥渢hough鈥� rhymes with 鈥渙h,鈥� not to mention that 鈥渞ough鈥� rhymes with 鈥渂luff,鈥� 鈥渢rough鈥� with 鈥渙ff,鈥� and 鈥渢hought鈥� with 鈥済ot鈥�? How can these things possibly be learned and taught?

Nor do the familiar phonetical sounds of the letters in the alphabet make things easier. I mention this because in Britain we are at a significant alphabetical crossroads. If we had imagined that the alphabet was set forever in concrete, we must, it seems, think again.

I refer to the letter 鈥淗.鈥� It is being subjected to apparently unstoppable alteration.

This is a highly contentious development, stirring up ferocious emotions and obstinate opinions. I myself have vigorous feelings on the subject. Or I thought I did. The thing is this: For as long as I can remember, the eighth letter of the alphabet has been spelled and pronounced 鈥渁itch.鈥� But now it is frequently being pronounced 鈥渉aitch.鈥� Even the BBC, long considered the arbiter of good English, is giving in to this trend by allowing 鈥渉aitch鈥� as well as 鈥渁itch.鈥澛�

It鈥檚 enough to send shivers of righteous dismay up and down one鈥檚 conventional spine.

Scene: In a camera shop with my wife. Young male assistant wants my email address, which includes an aitch. He repeats it after me, but translates 鈥渁itch鈥� into 鈥渉aitch.鈥� So I leap onto my hobby horse and castigate him in no uncertain terms. My wife apologizes. 鈥淭hat鈥檚 OK,鈥� says the assistant. 鈥淗e sounds just like my mother.鈥�

Perhaps it is a generational affair. It seems that people under a certain vintage are saying 鈥渉aitch鈥� and those of us who are over the same vintage say 鈥渁itch.鈥�

My retired teacher tells me she always pounced on the 鈥渉aitchers.鈥� But it鈥檚 a losing battle. I feel sure that in a few more decades 鈥渁itch鈥� will be as obsolete as phone books and floppy disks. Interestingly, although there is much in common between English English and American English, I can find no signs that America is giving up 鈥渁itch.鈥� And maybe we Brits can look to the United States as a saving grace in this matter.聽

It must be admitted, however, that there is an awkward history to the letter 鈥淗鈥� in Britain. It was once considered grammatically disgraceful to 鈥渄rop one鈥檚 H鈥檚.鈥� Well-bred southerners would criticize northerners who did so, talking of 鈥� 鈥檃ppiness鈥� and complaining when the weather was 鈥� 鈥檕t.鈥� This was not simply a north/south divide. In the musical 鈥淢y Fair Lady,鈥� southerner Eliza Doolittle was a cockney, a Londoner, who found it very difficult to believe that 鈥橢nry 鈥橧ggins meant it when he told her that in Hertford, Hereford, and Hampshire, hurricanes hardly ever happen.

The fact is, though, that the alphabet is already a bundle of inconsistencies. The letter 鈥淐,鈥� for instance, sounds one moment hard, like a 鈥淜,鈥� then as soft as the sea. 鈥淜鈥� can vanish in words like 鈥渒not,鈥� 鈥渒nee,鈥� and 鈥渒nitting.鈥� The letter 鈥淕鈥� doesn鈥檛 know whether to be hard or soft, either. Sometimes it is both in one word: 鈥済arage,鈥� for example, or 鈥済orgeous.鈥� It, too, can vanish without explanation, as in 鈥済nat鈥� and 鈥済nome.鈥澛�

No less puzzling are such taken-for-granted peculiarities as the letter 鈥淲鈥� (rendered phonetically 鈥渄ouble U鈥�) and the beg-to-differ final letter of the alphabet known as 鈥渮ee鈥� on one side of the Atlantic and 鈥渮ed鈥� on the other. To one of Shakespeare鈥檚 characters, 鈥淶鈥� was 鈥渁n unnecessary letter.鈥� But what of the unnecessary 鈥淗鈥� to 鈥渁itch鈥�?

I prefer 鈥渁itch.鈥� But I can see why 鈥渉aitch鈥� might be growing in popularity. It has a clearer connection with the sound the letter makes. To be honest (note the silent 鈥淗鈥�), its utterance makes me wince, but who knows? Perhaps I will have to learn to be 鈥渆ver so 鈥檜mble鈥� and swim with the tide. Or perhaps not.