海角大神

As of this afternoon, my nest will be empty. My youngest heads off to the dorms to begin her freshman year of college, while my oldest moved to Seattle last month. I suppose it鈥檚 logical that this is a time to reflect upon the parenting I鈥檝e done in the last 22 years.

I feel fortunate that my husband and I have had excellent relationships with our kids. Every time someone has wanted to commiserate with me on the difficulties of raising teenagers, I haven鈥檛 been able to reciprocate. I thoroughly enjoyed my kids鈥� teenage years. There was no door-slamming, no yelling, no tears as a result of conflicts at home. The kids鈥� rooms were disaster areas, but I really didn鈥檛 mind. There was some foot-dragging about household chores, but they got done without fighting and only a 蝉辞耻辫莽辞苍 of attitude.

One theme I鈥檝e heard from my peers has been a general sense that their children haven鈥檛 given them the respect they owe them, haven鈥檛 demonstrated love and concern the way they were expected to. I have generally listened sympathetically and thanked my lucky stars. But I鈥檝e thought more deeply about that, simply because, as I lose my kids鈥� constant presence, I鈥檝e thought more deeply about what their presence has meant to me. I鈥檝e come to appreciate even more what their love and respect have meant.

The more I thought about that, the more I realized I didn鈥檛 really 鈥渆xpect鈥� these things. I mean, I guess I did 鈥� I certainly hoped for them 鈥� but I didn鈥檛 think about them much, about what I expected love and respect to look like. And I realize that perhaps that is why I appreciate them so much. They have felt more like gifts freely given than like something paid because they are owed.

When someone tells me 鈥淕ive me this,鈥� I often give it, but then it isn鈥檛 a gift; it鈥檚 an obligation. There is considerably less joy in the giving. For me, there would be less joy in the receiving under those circumstances, which is, I suppose, why I demand very little from those I love, yet seem to receive in abundance. Or perhaps I truly am just very lucky, and because they have been freely given, I have never had to ask. That is a distinct possibility.

I know there is a danger of seeming self-congratulatory here. That isn鈥檛 my intent. Really, it鈥檚 just to float the possibility to other parents that, the less tightly they dictate what love and respect must look like, the more likely they are to see them in places they had previously missed. Perhaps they won鈥檛 come in all the forms you want, but you will appreciate the ways they are shown because they are gifts, not payment due.

I know empty nesters who are incredibly glad to see the kids and the conflict go. They love their kids, no question, but they don鈥檛 miss the conflict. I don鈥檛 envy them the overall experience, but I can tell you, having kids you get along with leave is just about the most bitter-sweet experience out there. Every time I think (selfishly) how much I don鈥檛 want them to go, I remember how very much I want them to be happy, to find their passion, to live their lives, and they鈥檙e doing it, and it鈥檚 so exciting. But I cry a lot anyway.