海角大神

In the Steubenville, Ohio, rape trial, the social and digital media trail proved that many boys were complicit in the rapes of Jane Doe 鈥� not just the two who were found guilty. Chillingly, these boys seem like they could be anyone鈥檚 son. As a result, today,聽many parents are asking: How can I raise my boy the right way 鈥� to become a young man who will neither rape nor be a casual bystander to rape?

It鈥檚 an important question to ask, but a difficult one to answer. The Steubenville boys鈥� families likely thought they were doing a great job raising their sons. But something is wrong with our society: girls are so sexualized and dehumanized by our culture that unless it is directly and regularly addressed at home, boys can easily internalize the attitude that girls are sub-human; Sex objects, rather than respectable subjects. And as the Steubenville case shows, once this attitude is internalized, boys think聽raping聽girls is not the problem, but rather聽getting caught. Consider even the judge鈥檚 words, which according to an聽AP report聽betrayed this kind of perspective:

Talk about being tone-deaf!聽As the mother of two sons, this is聽not聽my takeaway from the case. The issue is not聽how the Steubenville rapists and their peers recorded their criminal actions on social media and therefore were caught, found guilty, and sentenced for their crimes.聽It鈥檚 that they raped in the first place.

Even CNN committed a聽major gaffe聽in their reporting on the sentencing, focusing not on the victim鈥檚 vindication and the possible outcomes for her, but rather on how difficult it was to watch the young rapists鈥� lives falling apart. According to The Huffington Post鈥檚聽report聽on CNN鈥檚 coverage:

The victim shouldn鈥檛 be an afterthought in the media coverage. Her vindication despite our broken culture of rape, her prognosis for a recovery from her trauma, and the possible consequences she and her family may face in their small town as they move forward should be central to the coverage.

鈥斺赌�

With a culture that has such a messed up attitude towards rape that even the judge and CNN are making major missteps, how do we answer the question posed earlier?聽How do we raise our boys into young men who will neither rape nor be casual bystanders to rape 鈥� who understand both that 鈥渘o means no鈥� and, more importantly, that consent requires an enthusiastic 鈥測es鈥�?

The answer is to begin teaching boys about two concepts 鈥斅�consent听补苍诲听respect 鈥斅�from an early age, in age-appropriate ways.

For example, my four-year-old son loves to hug and kiss his friends. He is sweet and affectionate, and when he first sees a friend or when it鈥檚 time to say goodbye, he wants nothing more but to wrap his arms around that friend and give him or her a big kiss.

Sometimes, his friends reciprocate, but sometimes, they clearly don鈥檛 want the physical contact. So, since about the time when he turned four-years-old, and he seemed old enough to understand, we鈥檝e told him that he needs to ask his friends for permission first. We taught him to ask, 鈥淐an I give you a hug and a kiss?鈥� We鈥檝e also told him he needs to respect their answers, even if it鈥檚 disappointing, and I鈥檓 glad to see that this is now his usual approach.聽He gets their consent.
Then, there鈥檚 the matter of respect. When my son was three-and-a-half, he became interested in wearing nail polish on his toenails and fingernails after seeing me get a summertime mani-pedi. I agreed to paint his nails, but before sending him off to preschool, I prepared him for the possibility of pushback from his friends or even his teachers. 鈥淪ome people at school might not like your nails,鈥� I warned him. 鈥淏ut you like them, right?鈥�

Admiring his shiny blue nail polish, he told me, 鈥淚 really do!鈥�

鈥淪o,鈥� I coached him, 鈥渋f anybody says they don鈥檛 like your fingernails, you tell them: 鈥業t鈥檚 MY body!鈥� Because it鈥檚 your body, and聽you聽get to decide what happens to it. No one else does. Can we practice? I will pretend to be another kid who doesn鈥檛 like your nails, and you can tell me, 鈥業t鈥檚 MY body!鈥� Okay?鈥�

鈥淥办补测!鈥�

A few practice scenarios later, and he was great at saying, 鈥淚t鈥檚 MY body!鈥� as a confident response to comments that disrespected his right to make decisions about his own body.

This was a great lesson for him to learn, because a few months later, when we set the rule that he needs to ask his friends for permission before hugging and kissing them, this helped us to foster an empathetic perspective. We were able to explain: 鈥淚t鈥檚 HIS [or HER] body, and he [or she] doesn鈥檛聽want you to hug and kiss right now. So you have to respect his [or her] wishes.鈥�

All this is helpful in the present. I鈥檓 glad my preschooler has a basic, age-appropriate understanding of respect and consent, even if he doesn鈥檛 know those words yet. Everything we do now paves the way for future conversations, and I know that as he approaches adolescence, it will be easier for us to discuss聽肠辞苍蝉别苍迟听and听谤别蝉辫别肠迟聽with him.

Since the broader culture gives such terribly mixed messages to our boys, I want to make it clear: consent and respect are not options. They鈥檙e necessities.

海角大神 has assembled a diverse group of the best family and parenting bloggers out there. Our contributing and guest bloggers are not employed or directed by the Monitor, and the views expressed are the bloggers' own, as is responsibility for the content of their blogs. Rebecca Hains blogs at rebeccahains.wordpress.com.