海角大神

When the COVID-19 shutdown started, Kristen Simpson鈥檚 thoughts turned to the father she barely knows.

He鈥檇 separated from her mother when she was a baby, and was never around much after that, even after her mother died. Battling a drug addiction, he鈥檇 ended up in jail. Ms. Simpson admits that her response was 鈥渞eally ugly鈥� the听one time he tried to initiate contact when she was a young adult.

Editor鈥檚 note: As a public service,听all our coronavirus coverage听is free. No paywall.

Thirteen years on, the arrival of the pandemic made her reevaluate their relationship.听鈥淚 don鈥檛 want another one of my parents to not be here,鈥� says Ms. Simpson, now an illustrator and mother in Fayetteville, Georgia. 鈥淲e don鈥檛 know how much time we have to make things right in this coronavirus, knowing that he works for a job where he has to leave his house and safety.鈥澨�听

She was aware that her father, long clean of drugs, works as a pizza delivery man in Florida.听A few weeks ago, she cold-called him to apologize for how she鈥檇 spurned him.听听

鈥淚 was scared he was going to reject me,鈥� she says. 鈥淲hen we got on FaceTime together, his smile was just so bright. We were mirrors of each other smiling at one another. And it was a really good conversation.鈥�

By stripping away the customs, comforts, and circumstances once taken for granted, the COVID-19 crisis has led people to reconsider what鈥檚 most important in their lives. Many of them have concluded that the security and affection of family 鈥� even if only at the other end of a phone line or video chat 鈥� is paramount. Consequently, some individuals who have long been estranged from family members have made efforts toward reconciliation and forgiveness,听or are considering it.听

鈥淲hen people do cut off contact with a family member or a parent, in their own heart and mind, it may not be with the idea that it鈥檚 going to be permanent,鈥� says Joshua Coleman, a psychologist and author of the upcoming book 鈥淩ules of Estrangement.鈥� 鈥淏ut the virus really shortens that timeline and provides a frame of 鈥榃ell, how would I feel if I never reconcile with this person?鈥欌��

Shift in emphasis

The variety of reasons for estrangement underscore Leo Tolstoy鈥檚 maxim that 鈥渆ach unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.鈥� Some adults cut ties with parents or siblings who have been critical of their choice of spouse, their style of parenting, their sexuality, or their values. Sometimes adult children need to declare independence from parents who have either coddled or abused them. Then, too,听say observers,听a rise of individualism 鈥� particularly among millennials 鈥� has eroded traditional attachment to family.

鈥淭here鈥檚 much more of an emphasis on 鈥榃hat relationships make me feel happy or good and which ones don鈥檛?鈥欌�� says Dr. Coleman. 鈥淭he idea that it鈥檚 an act of existential courage to cut off people from your life that don鈥檛 promote personal happiness, that鈥檚 a relatively new cultural concept.鈥澨�

Until recently, there wasn鈥檛 a lot of self-help literature or academic study about estrangements between family members. It鈥檚 been a largely closeted issue because of the stigma of admitting familial schisms to others. However, a yet-to-be-published survey of 1,300 people conducted by Karl Pillemer, a professor of human development at Cornell University in Ithaca, New York, found that about a quarter of adult Americans have an active estrangement with a relative. A series of follow-up interviews with around 300 of the random sample of respondents revealed that roughly 100 of them had mended the relationships, while the other 200 or so remained unreconciled with the other party.

鈥淎s time goes on, it becomes more and more difficult to take that first step,鈥� says Professor Pillemer, sociologist and author of the upcoming book 鈥淔ault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them.鈥� 鈥淲hat the current pandemic does is it offers that kind of an opportunity. Now it鈥檚 a logical time for a low-risk outreach of 鈥楬ow are you doing?鈥欌��

A time for reaching out

Since the onset of the coronavirus crisis, Professor Pillemer says several people in his personal network have reached out to him to share stories of how they have reconciled. They include a father and daughter who hadn鈥檛 talked for two years because of political differences and sisters who鈥檇 been distant for decades.听听

Dr. Pillemer has also heard stories from strangers. Daniela Dawson was in her 20s when she cut herself off from her family in 2007. Growing up sandwiched between two brothers, Ms. Dawson says the close family was enmeshed with each other. Too much so. She began to feel judged by the others.听

鈥淚t鈥檚 not unusual for my family to talk about feelings 鈥� that鈥檚 probably why it鈥檚 so easy for us to get them hurt,鈥� says Ms. Dawson, a data scientist who lives in Lake Forest, Illinois.听

Ms. Dawson credits her persistent mother and youngest brother for reestablishing their relationships some years ago. But she鈥檇 been unwilling to reconcile with her older brother. The married mother of four imagined funeral scenarios in which she鈥檇 died without ever talking to him again. Until the COVID-19 crisis, she thought she was OK with that. When Ms. Dawson鈥檚 mother mentioned that her oldest son had asked how his sister was holding up, something in her shifted. She called her brother.

鈥淭he first thing we did was just talk about what we鈥檝e missed out on,鈥� she says, laughing. 鈥淏oth of us, just immediately, kind of were like, 鈥楾his was silly.鈥欌�澨齆ow they鈥檙e video calling each other almost every day.

Those who鈥檝e either reconciled with or forgiven others often talk about feeling as if a burdensome weight had been lifted off them. Their experience was one of learning something about themselves. That鈥檚 often led to improvements in other relationships, including romantic ones. Dr. Pillemer鈥檚 interviews also revealed that those who鈥檇 made efforts toward reconciliation said it was a powerful engine for personal growth. Overcoming that big challenge equipped them to tackle other limitations.

For Ms. Simpson, the reconciliation with her father has given her a new perspective on other areas of life, including the strength to set aside a lifelong debilitating fear of spiders that has affected her ability to spend time outdoors. She鈥檚 also now eager to take her family to visit her father once travel becomes possible again. 鈥淥ur whole household is at a balance that we haven鈥檛 had before,鈥� she says.听

Careful consideration and humility

Still, people who reconcile need to think through all the ramifications first, Dr. Pillemer and others note. Therapists and those who have reconciled also say extraordinary grace is required.

鈥淭he first thing is, are you making this decision from a strong place or a place of fear?鈥� says Becca Bland, whose series of online workshops for adult children, 鈥淐OVID-19 and Family Estrangement,鈥� have quickly filled up in the past month. 鈥淭he second thing is also understanding that if it鈥檚 going to be reconciliation, it鈥檚 not just going to be you reconciling. It鈥檚 鈥榳e鈥� and everybody in that situation is going to have to change and move for it to work.鈥澨�

Some counselors encourage patients to look for the kernel of truth in the other person鈥檚 complaint. That doesn鈥檛 mean relinquishing the integrity of one鈥檚 own experience, but it does help build one side of the bridge.听

Following her own reconciliation experience, Ms. Dawson says that she now realizes that her family members weren鈥檛 malicious or trying to hurt her. But her youthful insecurities meant that she began to develop a pattern of cutting people out of her life rather than reveal vulnerability and address the situation directly. It was the sincerity of her family鈥檚 outreach that spoke to her.

鈥淣othing is more compelling to another person than when we say, 鈥業 failed you, or I hurt you, or I damaged you,鈥欌�� says Dr. Coleman, whose practice centers on parents whose children have cut ties with them. 鈥淪ometimes parents will protest, 鈥榃ell, I鈥檓 not going to humiliate myself with my own child.鈥� My perspective is it鈥檚 not humiliation, it鈥檚 humility.鈥�

Weighing forgiveness听

What people often grapple with, too, is how to forgive 鈥� which can look different and happen at a different pace for everyone, counselors say.听 听

鈥淔orgiveness does not mean that reconciliation is necessary,鈥� says Dr. Bland, founder of Stand Alone, a U.K. nonprofit that supports adults who aren鈥檛 in contact with their parents. 鈥淔orgiveness is about leaving something behind. It鈥檚 about letting it go out of view. It鈥檚 not saying it was right, what happened. ... And it鈥檚 not saying that you could ever stomach risking anything like that ever happening again.鈥�

In Ms. Dawson鈥檚 experience, letting go of her grudging feelings toward her older sibling required her to be honest with herself.

鈥淚 was like, 鈥業 don鈥檛 wish harm upon my brother. I don鈥檛 go out of my way to be mean to him.鈥� So that must be forgiveness,鈥� she says.听 鈥淭hat鈥檚 not forgiving. You鈥檙e still holding on to that resentment.鈥�

Similarly, Jez Carleton told himself that he鈥檇 forgiven the adoptive father he was estranged from. But his therapist disagreed. When Mr. Carleton, who is employed as a nanny in Melbourne, Australia, heard that his father had been hospitalized with COVID-19, he had to decide whether or not to reach out.听He says his听father has long expressed disappointment in his adopted son鈥檚 supposed lack of achievement and success.听The two men hadn鈥檛 spoken in six years. Since 1999, they鈥檝e only had three conversations.听

鈥淚 have always felt that he wanted to return me to the adoption agency because I was 鈥榝aulty,鈥欌�� says Mr. Carleton, who is gay. 鈥淚 could never meet his high expectations.鈥�

But the coronavirus crisis hastened introspection.听鈥淓veryone has faults and I have many faults,鈥� he says. 鈥淓specially at this time of the world, I am trying to stop judging people. And then you have to forgive them.鈥�

Once Mr. Carleton plucked up the courage to call his father in a hospital in Sydney, he felt a calmness he hadn鈥檛 experienced during previous interactions.

鈥淲hen the nurse told him that I was on the phone, I heard Dad say 鈥楯eremy!鈥� But it was a nice, surprised exclamation,鈥� says Mr. Carleton, who says the conversation went so well that he intends to travel to Sydney to see his father now that he鈥檚 been released from the hospital.

鈥淚 told him I loved him at the end of the conversation,鈥� says Mr. Carleton, who says he cried with relief afterward. 鈥淚 meant it.鈥澨�

Editor鈥檚 note: As a public service,听all our coronavirus coverage听is free. No paywall.