海角大神

A neighbor frequently asks for help with her elementary-age daughter: rides, baby-sitting, meals. But she never reciprocates. Do you say no, knowing the child is the one who will suffer?

Parent advice (from our panel of staff contributors):

Is she a neighbor who really needs help? If so, offer it as one parent to another, hoping someone will be there for you if you and your child need such help in the future. If she is a selfish taker, then she needs some not-so-subtle suggestions from you: 鈥淲hen can you pick up the kids tomorrow? I have a meeting.鈥� 鈥淚 am happy to watch your child tomorrow after school; I need you to watch mine Saturday afternoon when I have an appointment.鈥�

鈥揇odie Hofstetter

Have you spoken up or asked for similar assists? If the mom obviously needs help, step in and help when you can. But if you鈥檙e building a stockpile of resentment, you can decline some requests politely and suggest a reliable babysitter.

鈥揓udy Hevrdejs

Expert advice:

If you believe you鈥檙e offering much-needed support to a struggling family 鈥� and you feel good about it 鈥� there鈥檚 no need to keep score here. If you feel taken advantage of and a little ticked, you should find a way to decline her requests. One thing she doesn鈥檛 need, regardless of her station in life, is your resentment.

If you鈥檙e not sure how you feel about helping, consider a few angles.

Family therapist Fran Walfish, author of 鈥淭he Self-Aware Parent鈥� (Palgrave MacMillan), offers this: 鈥淵ou should continue to be generous and help this defenseless child. Someone else might say that saying no is creating reasonable boundaries, but it all depends on your point of view.

鈥淚 treat many adults who were raised alone,鈥� Walfish says. 鈥淭hey always talk of one special person who saved them psychologically. Perhaps it was a grandmother, uncle, schoolteacher, the parent of a classmate. As a neighbor to this limited mother and her elementary-age daughter, you have the privileged opportunity to be that special person and rescue this child from a world of isolation.鈥�

On the other hand...

鈥淵ou have to understand your neighbor is looking for someone to rescue her and she鈥檚 viewing you as someone who will bail her out at all times,鈥� says social psychologist Susan Newman, author of 鈥淭he Book of No: 250 Ways to Say It and Mean It and Stop People-Pleasing Forever鈥� (McGraw-Hill). 鈥淚t鈥檚 time to put some limits and parameters on what you鈥檒l agree to: 鈥業 can only watch your daughter from 2 to 4.鈥� 鈥業 can give her lunch, but she can鈥檛 stay here for dinner.鈥欌��

And ask for reciprocation, Newman says. 鈥淪he might have no idea you鈥檙e frustrated or what you鈥檙e thinking unless you say so and ask for help: 鈥榃ould you let the plumber in my house tomorrow?鈥欌��

Or take a straightforward approach and have a heart-to-heart with this neighbor.

鈥淎sk her politely to sit down and talk about it,鈥� Newman suggests. 鈥溾�楲ook, this is taking a lot of my time, and we need to talk about making it more equitable or somehow finding other coverage for your daughter because I have other responsibilities and things I need to get done.鈥�

鈥淚t鈥檚 not very different from an adult friendship that you need to get some space from. It鈥檚 sort of a gentle pulling back.鈥�