海角大神

Here鈥檚 a memoir by a transracial adoptee about being a transracial adoptee 鈥� and unless you're a transracial adoptee yourself, you're probably thinking, 鈥渆h, I'll pass.鈥� And that would surely be a mistake. Because beyond the specifics here 鈥� as unique, affecting, heartstring-pulling as this debut is 鈥� Nicole Chung鈥檚 All You Can Ever Know will resonate with any sensitive, thoughtful reader who has 鈥淸found] the courage to question what [they鈥檝e] been told鈥� 鈥� about family, history, their very selves.

Born 10 weeks premature in May 1981 to an ethnic Korean couple, Chung was adopted by her white parents after spending her first two-and-a-half months in Seattle Children鈥檚 Hospital. 鈥淭he story my mother told me about [my birthparents] was always the same鈥�: her precarious health, their immigrant struggles, their supreme sacrifice in choosing adoption because it was 鈥�the best thing鈥� for baby Chung. 鈥淏y the time I was five or six years old, I had heard the tale of my loving, selfless birth parents so many times I could recite it myself.鈥� That Chung鈥檚 was a closed adoption meant further details were unlikely: 鈥�This may be all you can ever know.鈥�

Her parents called her their 鈥済ift from God,鈥� but for Chung, the reality of a Korean child in a white family in Oregon meant she always felt like 鈥渢he much-adored but still obvious alien in the family.鈥� She admired her parents鈥� 鈥渘onchalance鈥� about her adoption: her father answered 鈥渆specially nosy questions by saying, If you put a Pole and a Hungarian together, you get a Korean!鈥�; her mother dismissed invasive curiosity with 鈥渓ittle more than a hard, eloquent look.鈥�

As a child, Chung had no such arsenal against cruel classmates: 鈥溾�榊ou鈥檙e so ugly, your own parents didn鈥檛 even want you!鈥欌�� She had no rebuke for spiteful schoolgirls who asked if she had a 鈥渟ideways vagina鈥� because an older brother insisted 鈥溾�楢sian girls have those.鈥欌�� The racism 鈥� both directed and casual, sometimes even from her extended family 鈥� taught her that 鈥渘ormal鈥� was white, and that white meant that you belonged.

That 鈥渋nsidious desire鈥� to be white dissipated gradually, enabled by growing up and leaving her Oregon town (where she had 鈥渒ept a secret running tally of every single Asian person [she] had ever seen in public鈥�). By her early-20s, she began to question the 鈥溾�榬ace-blind鈥� view of [her] adoption鈥�: even if race 鈥渄idn鈥檛 matter鈥� to adoptive parents, it would matter to others in ways the parent nor child could ever control.

And then, in 2007, Chung became pregnant. While her Irish Lebanese husband could trace some 500 years of family history, she 鈥渃ouldn鈥檛 shake the overwhelming feeling that [her] baby was destined to inherit a half-empty family tree.鈥� She instinctively understood that her parents 鈥渄idn鈥檛 want [her] to want to search鈥� for her birth parents. 鈥淚 was enough for them, and they wanted to be enough for me.鈥� Impending motherhood, however, made her need to know more. Laws had changed, even for closed adoptions, and Chung hired a 鈥渟earch angel鈥�: waiting for her own child to come into the world, she admitted she wanted to find her birthparents, and she 鈥渨anted to know everything they were willing to tell [her].鈥�

What she learns, who she meets, what new bonds she creates, which connections she lets go, will change her story forever. While she realizes 鈥渁s adopters and adoptee, [her] parents and [she] will always view my adoption in vastly different ways,鈥� she remains unwaveringly certain of her parentage: 鈥淚 am my adoptive parents鈥� daughter. No matter what, no matter our differences, they will always be my parents, the ones who wanted me when no on one else did.鈥�

Raw, open, forthright, Chung鈥檚 personal odyssey is an intimate journey toward self-understanding and acceptance. 鈥淸T]o be adopted is to know only the rewritten story,鈥� but with persistence and courage, she pushes against the limits of what she once thought was "all she can ever know" into so much more, modifying, adapting,聽 transforming her 鈥渕essy family history and shifting Korean and American identities.鈥�