海角大神

Dreading a holiday gift exchange? Now's the time to do something about it.

Rather than a gift exchange that you can't afford or just aren't interested in, offer an alternative that meets the goals of the season.

Each Christmas, a lot of people find themselves in gift exchanges that they don鈥檛 really want to participate in. They end up buying gifts for people that they don鈥檛 have a close relationship with. They鈥檙e obligated to spend more money than they鈥檇 like on certain gifts. Sometimes, they鈥檙e guilted into it by the expectations of others at their Christmas parties.

No more. This is the year we declare our financial independence from unwanted gift exchanges.

Step #1: Decide if you really want out
When faced with a big pile of bills and debt, it can be easy to tell ourselves that we鈥檙e going to cut down on gift-giving next year. We think about all of the gifts we bought, think of the ones that seemed like the biggest stretches to our budget and our personal lives, and begin to feel something negative about that gift. Discomfort. Resentment. Annoyance. Disgust.

Yet, quite often, we also like the gift exchange process with people we care about, even if it鈥檚 with people we don鈥檛 see all that often.

It can be a real emotional conundrum, and it鈥檚 one that deserves some careful thought. Do you really want out of the whole picture? It鈥檚 quite possible 鈥� and quite justifiable 鈥� that you do, but any gift you gave in previous years deserves some reflection this year.

I鈥檓 in two different gift exchanges that have given me pause in the last year. In each case, it鈥檚 a gift exchange with extended family members that I don鈥檛 see too much during the year. We鈥檝e made the decision to get out of one of them, but after some deep reflection, we decided to remain in the other one, though we are going to suggest some changes to them.

Step #2: Come up with the alternative you would prefer
Most likely, you鈥檙e going to come up with some mixed feelings about some of these gift exchanges. I鈥檇 encourage you to consider alternative options that do not devalue the real value of the holiday season 鈥� spending time with people you care about. Here are several such options.

A 鈥渟ecret Santa鈥� exchange Instead of everyone giving a gift to everyone, simply draw names in some fashion and have each person give a single gift to another person.

A 鈥渉andmade鈥� or 鈥渢houghtful鈥� gift exchange Instead of buying stuff, have a gift exchange where items of more personal value are given. There are lots of options here 鈥� and the more creative your family is, the better. You can agree to give each other handmade items. You can agree to give each other 鈥渃oupons鈥� for personal favors later on (like a night of babysitting for a harried parent or two hours of cleaning for an elderly person). You can give each other 鈥渢hank you鈥� cards, handwritten, that express thanks for what that person has meant to you in life and in the last year.

A potluck dinner Instead of having a gift exchange, just have a big potluck dinner during the holiday season. Don鈥檛 make it about stuff 鈥� make it about family. I think this is perhaps the best default option for a lot of families and other groups.

A volunteer afternoon Instead of getting together to give each other stuff, perhaps you could all spend a few hours doing something like working in a soup kitchen or building a Habitat for Humanity house. It gets you together and creates something worthwhile for the community. This is a great suggestion to replace an office Christmas party.

Step #3: Communicate, communicate, communicate
Once you know which exchanges you want to get out of or alter, it鈥檚 time to communicate.

Some people will arrange this by email. Others will use Facebook. Still others will do it over the phone. It has a lot to do with the people you鈥檙e dealing with.

Here are two different email templates that you can use and alter to your heart鈥檚 content.

Hey Sally,

I鈥檓 looking forward to seeing you all at Christmas dinner this year!

With the economy, though, I was thinking of suggesting that we don鈥檛 do a gift exchange this year like we鈥檝e done in the past. Instead, what do you think about just doing a 鈥渟ecret Santa鈥� exchange with the adults and a second one with all of the kids? That way, we all have a gift to open, but it won鈥檛 leave any of us in financial trouble.

Let me know what you think!

Love,
Tim

That one would work well with siblings and close cousins. For an office exchange, you might want to try something like this:

Hello all,

Instead of the usual office gift exchange this year, let鈥檚 put aside a Saturday afternoon in December and have all of us spend a few hours doing some volunteer work? It鈥檇 help us get in touch with the people that truly need help in life, plus it would give some excellent public relations to our firm.

What do you all think of this idea?

Janine

Who should I send such an email to? If there鈥檚 a person or two who are obviously organizing the Christmas exchanges based on past experience, contact them first and see what they think. Make sure you include an easy-to-choose alternative in your email.

If there is no central person (particularly if the exchange just involves a small group), contact everyone in the group. Do it individually 鈥� some people may feel very nervous about saying that they want out to the whole group. Give them an avenue to tell you how they feel about it one-on-one.

Shouldn鈥檛 I call people instead? It entirely depends on your relationship with the people involved. For some relationships, email would work best. For others, Facebook. For still others, a phone call would be the best route.

What if no one agrees with me? You鈥檒l have to make your own decision when it comes to that point. You can simply ask to drop out of the exchange, or you can just shrug your shoulders and go along with the flow of it. If you鈥檙e really uncomfortable, though, just ask to leave the exchange.

Step #4: Stick to your guns
Once the decision has been made to alter the gift exchange, you might feel some regret, particularly when the Christmas season comes around. Don鈥檛. This one鈥檚 worth sticking to your guns on, especially if you鈥檙e still actually spending time with your family during the holiday season.

Instead, focus on why you did this in the first place. Recall the emotions and thoughts that led you to the decision to leave the exchange. Keep them in mind.

Most importantly, enjoy the camaraderie. In the end, the value of seeing family during the holidays isn鈥檛 found in the gifts. It鈥檚 found in the people and the time spent together.

Good luck!

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