海角大神

It felt like Disneyland or something: Walking to that first spin class after eight months of lockdown, I was really excited, really happy. Here I was with my next-door neighbor, Valeria, who has become a close friend during the pandemic. And then a new spinning place was opening up around the corner from my quiet block. We could walk from our town houses to take classes together every week.听听

I got on a bike in the way back of the room. There was a lot of distance between people, all panting and sweating through their masks, but the instructor wasn鈥檛 wearing a mask. I took mine off for a second to wipe my face, and at another point to quickly catch my breath.

I felt happy and really kind of free for the first time in months. My focus was on pedaling and following the rhythm of the teacher. After class they gave us free smoothies, and Valeria and I sat outside chatting through our masks for a while. It was such a release; like, how did I get so fortunate?

That was on a Thursday; I started feeling lousy on Monday. In the first few days I said to my parents, what if this is COVID? We鈥檝e had to take care of ourselves even more than most families because my mom is at high risk. We avoid going out at all costs. I haven鈥檛 seen friends face-to-face other than Valeria since this all started. I was convinced the studio was safe 鈥� I wouldn鈥檛 have gone to the class otherwise.

The fact that both my parents said, 鈥淭ake it easy. You鈥檙e fine!鈥� reassured me. My mom was so calm, and normally it鈥檚 she who feels when something is wrong. So, I said, 鈥淥K, she鈥檚 probably right. I won鈥檛 worry anymore.鈥澛�

When I lost my sense of taste and smell, I knew.

My mom found the testing site. Two days before our appointment we were already taking safety measures: each sleeping in a different room, using gloves in common areas, cleaning door handles, wearing masks. Riding to the testing site, I wasn鈥檛 tormenting myself; I figured we鈥檇 see what happens.

When the test results came back, my mom told me through my closed bedroom door, 鈥淵ou and I are positive.鈥� I was frozen: I already basically knew I had it. But that my mom had it, too, really hit me. She鈥檚 fragile. Knowing I probably gave it to her was overwhelming.

At first, I threw myself 鈥� an assignment with acrylic paints, watercolors, and ink. I placed the canvas on my studio table and moved around in circles, painting from different perspectives. I used darker colors and more intense brushstrokes than normal. It helped me to distance myself and it gave me a sense of control and purpose.听听

Ginnette Riquelme/Special to 海角大神

Jimena P茅rez S谩nchez says COVID-19 served "my creativity." She created this piece of art while she was sick with COVID-19. She explains that she rotated a piece of cardboard on a table to draw it with watercolor, acrylic paint, and ink. "It's a gestural drawing," she says. "I was upset, I was frustrated, and that's what I did, make it more lines and dynamics."

By the second week, I couldn鈥檛 even read I was so exhausted. I felt frustrated: Did I get my mom sick? I felt helpless: I couldn鈥檛 hug her or my dad. I felt alone, stuck in this same space day and night.

My mom checked into the hospital on a Monday. Right before she left the house, we opened the doors to our rooms and talked. She said, 鈥淛imen, I鈥檓 afraid.鈥� And I said, 鈥淢e too.鈥�

I couldn鈥檛 go with her to the hospital. I couldn鈥檛 hug her goodbye. She told me she was leaving for days, not weeks 鈥� but I couldn鈥檛 kick the fear and sadness. I felt utterly terrible. If I hadn鈥檛 gone to that stupid spinning class, my mom never would have gotten sick. My therapist says 鈥渨ould have鈥� doesn鈥檛 exist. I can鈥檛 change the past. That helped me.

I cried a lot. But I sang, too.

Something that helps me when I feel awful is to do vocal exercises, in my room, standing in front of the mirror. There are lots of technical rules about your posture and how your diaphragm moves. But when I start singing, I feel parts of my body I don鈥檛 notice any other time. My voice vibrates inside my head, and it becomes this sounding box just humming and it鈥檚 like a meditation. I did it for almost an hour right after my mom left, and it helped me find a release from this guilt and all the emotions I was feeling. Catharsis.

My dad and I started living in common areas together soon after my mom went to the hospital. One night I asked him if he was mad at me. Because of my mom. He said there was a moment when he felt angry with me.

But, he said, 鈥淟ook, you鈥檙e my daughter and I love you. I鈥檓 not going to let that anger change our relationship. Besides, what if I was asymptomatic? What if I was the one who got you sick?鈥� He鈥檚 the one who does the grocery shopping and runs our errands. Anything鈥檚 possible.

I鈥檓 staying home now. It doesn鈥檛 scare me, this idea of not leaving the house. I still have my online classes, I still have my books. I have the internet. No more weekend movies with Valeria. Definitely won鈥檛 be going back to spinning.

But, my mom is going to be OK.

Read other personal essays like Jimena鈥檚 from 21-year-olds in our聽21 in 鈥�21 global report about a generation coming of age in the pandemic.