海角大神

I鈥檓 trying to figure out how many times I wish I鈥檇 kept my mouth shut.聽

As I fill in the mental spreadsheet that may eventually yield a total, patterns emerge in the data: From birth to age 7, for example, I have no entries. The numbers rise in a gentle slope from age 7 to 12, and then sharply spike to age 23.聽

The numbers stay at a plateau until I鈥檓 27. At last, they start to sink gradually to today 鈥� which already has several entries.聽As of this evening, based on estimated frequency over time, the number of examples is surely in the thousands.聽

Here鈥檚 a sampling:聽The first thing I remember wishing I hadn鈥檛 said was at age 7. It was 鈥淚鈥檒l do it,鈥� to a neighbor. He鈥檇 asked for a volunteer from a group of children playing in the street outside his home to spray a half-empty聽can of insecticide on a hornet鈥檚 nest in an evergreen shrub next to his garage. As the hornets erupted from the papery nest, I had but one thought: 鈥淯h-oh.鈥澛�

The neighbor was an FBI agent, so I thought he knew what he was doing. Anybody involved in shootouts with kidnappers, bank robbers, and enemy agents wouldn鈥檛 steer me wrong, would he?聽Looking back, I鈥檓 betting he was a forensic CPA.

Many of the things I regret having said fall into vast self-explanatory categories: 鈥渢hings I鈥檝e said to police officers in an effort to lighten the mood鈥� or 鈥渦nintentionally irritating things I鈥檝e said to waitstaff before they brought my food to the table.鈥澛�

High school was an especially rich time: 鈥淎nything I said to a girl鈥� and 鈥渨itty responses to vice principals鈥� brim with colorful examples. Closely related to those, in graduate school I added 鈥渨itty but undeniably testy responses during the oral defense of my very precious work.鈥澛�

I regret telling one of my athletes to 鈥済ut it out鈥� and compete through an injury when I was a brand-new coach. I also regret telling him it was worth it. I regret even thinking it was worth it.

There were a number of times I regret having said as a parent, 鈥淒on鈥檛 do that,鈥� to our boys, instances almost perfectly balanced out by the times I regret having said, 鈥淥K. Why not?鈥� Or, better: 鈥淲hat could possibly go wrong?鈥�

As a traveler, I regret saying whatever it was I was trying to say in German.聽

I never regret having said, 鈥淚 love you.鈥澛燛xcept once.聽I was in my office having just hung up the phone after a call with my wife when the front gate guard at our campus called to tell me I had a visitor headed my way. I thanked him and, just as I hung up, added, 鈥淟ove you!鈥澛�

I stared at the phone. The security guard鈥檚 name was Bill, and he was a nice enough guy, but I didn鈥檛 really mean to say, 鈥淟ove you.鈥� I鈥檓 sure he was staring at his phone, too.聽

For weeks, I checked with a friend in campus security to find out when Bill was on duty. During those times, I avoided entering or leaving campus. Bill eventually retired, and then I could come and go freely again.

Things I regret not having said? This is a much shorter list. I regret the times I kept my mouth shut when I should have been apologizing, admitting fault, or speaking a hard truth. I regret not saying goodbye to some people I figured I鈥檇 always be seeing again. I regret not saying thank you to people who probably wondered why I seemed to be taking them for granted. These instances are rare, but they pack a wallop.聽

Finally, I regret not asking our server in Venice just exactly what part of the cephalopod (squid, cuttlefish, inkfish 鈥� I鈥檓 still not sure) on my plate was edible. When he cleared our dishes, his face got a little pale, and he said, 鈥淎h. I see you ate, ah, the, ah, head.鈥澛�

So, yes, there were times I really should have piped up.聽

Reviewing my spreadsheet, I see I learned many things the hard way. The ancient Greek Stoics may be right: It鈥檚 better not to speak. And, if you do speak, say as little as possible.聽

And that鈥檚 all I have to say.