Zumba in lockdown
So there I was minding my own business in the office below our dining room when suddenly, from over my head, down drops a cascade, a deluge, an avalanche.
MUSIC. Capital letters. Italics. And now the ceiling starts to thump. (鈥淭hump?鈥� my wife, source of the thumps, will object later. 鈥�Thump?鈥�) Fair enough. Steps, then. But are they steps?
The floor above me goes step step step slide step brush brush step. Then a holler: 鈥淗ips!鈥� Who is shouting 鈥渉ips鈥�? Not to mention shouting all kinds of other things over and under and around the music.
鈥淐鈥檓on, ladies, let鈥檚 make this happen! Gimme what you got! I love you! Hi, Rachel! Hi, Kristen! I see you! You鈥檙e beautiful! Hips, hips! Tighten it up now! Hi, Meg! Hi, Meredith! Hi, Melanie!鈥�
鈥淗i, Melanie鈥�? Wait, Melanie is my wife鈥檚 name. Is there someone upstairs with her? Who threw the salsa party and forgot to invite me? The ceiling joists are vibrating, and I鈥檇 better go see if everyone鈥檚 OK, don鈥檛 you think?
At that exact point some extra sway drops into the song mix, and suddenly, in full Auto-tune: 鈥淚 love it when you call me se帽orita. ... Ooh la la la!鈥�
Straight truth: Staying seated is not an option. I鈥檓 up, I鈥檓 standing, I鈥檓 ... dancing? (Would we call it dan颅cing?) I hear the voice shout, 鈥淚t鈥檚 鈥楽e帽orita鈥�! Awesome! Download it! Hips, hips hips! Feel your core!鈥� (Every outburst from the voice ends with an exclamation point.)
鈥淚 love it when you call me se帽orita. ... Ooh la la la!鈥�
Let鈥檚 be real: I鈥檓 loving this song. And as I climb the stairs it鈥檚 just possible that my climbing has some rhythm. And then the dining room comes into view, and the pushed-aside chairs, and there鈥檚 Melanie. (鈥淗i, Melanie!鈥�) The molecular structure of the atmosphere has changed. Step step brush step brush step TWIRL.
Where was I again? I forget. Whatever concentration zone I was in before 鈥� well, we鈥檙e not in Kansas anymore. Turns out it鈥檚 a Zumba class, and now it鈥檚 happening at least five days a week in our house. If Melanie has said it once she鈥檚 said it a thousand times: 鈥淭his is a saving grace. I don鈥檛 know what I鈥檇 do without it. There鈥檚 no telling how bad it鈥檇 be.鈥澛�
If I may: There is telling. But I wouldn鈥檛 want to spoil the mood.
鈥淗辞辞辞辞辞辞辞辞辞!鈥�
It鈥檚 the voice again. 鈥淚 can see you! I鈥檓 talkin鈥� to you 鈥� get those knees UP! C鈥檓on, babies, give me more! Don鈥檛 disappoint me! I know you wouldn鈥檛 disappoint me! We鈥檙e killin鈥� this playlist! You ROCK!鈥�
Maybe you鈥檙e wondering: Was this vibe, this transforming of the house, working for me? Yes, reader, it was. It does. Resistance is futile. The voice鈥檚 owner, I鈥檝e since learned, is Aprile, and there鈥檚 no getting around the simple fact that she鈥檚 epic. Imagine your best coach, your most upbeat pal, your biggest fan. Then multiply by 10. Now you鈥檝e imagined Aprile.
Are you thinking a person could get tired of this? No, a person could not. The energy is too strong, the joy too endlessly irrepressible. I won鈥檛 lie, I love it when Aprile鈥檚 in the house 鈥� even if she鈥檚 just 4 inches tall on my wife鈥檚 laptop screen, and I鈥檓 down in the basement. Any day with Aprile in it is a better day than you were having. And besides: 鈥淚 love it when you call me se帽orita. ... Ooh la la la!鈥�
Go ahead, grab your favorite music-streaming service and fire up that bad boy. (Search 鈥淪e帽orita,鈥� Shawn Mendes and Camila Cabello version, please.) Go ahead and try not to move, I dare you. You will fail.
鈥淏reathe, ladies, breathe! Roll! Side, side, up, side, rolllllllllll!鈥� Aprile鈥檚 back!
鈥淟et鈥檚 bring this home, people! You! Are! GORGEOUS! I love you!鈥澛�
Same, Aprile! I love you! And so does Melanie, trust me. And so do, without doubt, Kristen, Meg, Meredith, and you-name-her 鈥� all hundred or so people who are matching Aprile鈥檚 moves as she dan颅ces and shouts from her garage or deck or living room or wherever she鈥檚 broadcasting from today, all the while somehow effecting the miracle of making it seem as though everyone鈥檚 in the same magnificent room. Aprile鈥檚 room. With Aprile. Exactly where you鈥檇 want to be.
But hold on, wait 鈥� do I hear something? What鈥檚 that I hear?
鈥淚 love it when you call me se帽orita. ... Ooh la la la!鈥�
Oh man. Oh baby.
Um, what was I saying again?
