海角大神

I am a biology professor, but I have an impulsive ear for language. This slows my correcting of papers to a slog as I consistently get hung up on my students鈥� grammar and spelling errors.

Let me first avow that I have a devoted affection for my students. They鈥檙e earnest, funny, and (generally) hardworking. But their written English! It鈥檚 gotten so bad that, with great trepidation, I was finally compelled to approach one young woman and gently ask, 鈥淚s English your first language?鈥� Her offending sentence: 鈥淭he genes is not cellular like a cells.鈥�

But grammar and orthographical horrors are not limited to students. There are some bad examples out there that periodically leave me shaking my head.

I am a longtime listener to NPR. It has informed and experienced commentators. But it is precisely because the context is professional that errors glare so starkly. Here are a few I鈥檝e collected:

鈥淕ood Friday was the day when Jesus Christ was crucificated.鈥�

鈥淛ust to the east of Austria lies Hungaria.鈥�

鈥淭he police didn鈥檛 expect the mob to be so fractitious.鈥�

And, just recently (in reference to the 100th anniversary of the sinking of the Lusitania), 鈥淭he torpedo sunk the ship.鈥�

When I off-handedly voice my pique at faculty meetings, there is always that one well-meaning colleague who counsels me that language is protean; it changes with the years and the passing of generations.聽

I don鈥檛 dispute this. I even admit that there are grammatical inconsistencies that, through incessant usage, have become familiar and accepted forms. When I knock on a door and someone asks, 鈥淲ho is it?鈥� I don鈥檛 hesitate to answer, 鈥淚t鈥檚 me,鈥� as opposed to the stilted (but grammatically correct) 鈥淚t鈥檚 I.鈥�

In the early years of the English language there were many varieties of English and a plethora of ways to spell a given word. Even Shakespeare, to whom English owes so much, was spelled, variously, Shekespear, Shakspeare and Shakspere, before we settled on the current spelling. But then something happened: The first English-language dictionaries and grammars appeared. The effect was to standardize the language and offer rules of usage.

It is these rules 鈥� and those dictionaries 鈥� to which I appeal when correcting my students鈥� work. Appalling spelling and grammar errors are evidence that a crime has been committed. Dictionaries and grammars are the presiding judges.

There are rare, fleeting moments when I tell myself that it would be far less painful to overlook grammar and spelling and just grade content. But then I come to my senses. For me, such a laissez-faire attitude is a no-go. Further, what is gained when I dispense with a standard for quality work? I cannot bring myself to accept the following two sentences as equivalent: 鈥淭he protein effected a change in the reaction鈥� and 鈥淭he protein affected a change in the reaction.鈥� They are two entirely different beasts, and sometimes beasts must be slain if they threaten the common good.

I realize that my sort is on the way out. I quibble with affect/effect and sank/sunk when the language鈥檚 trajectory is arcing high over such seemingly petty considerations toward a target that reads, 鈥�2 L8 4 lunch? C U L8er.鈥� Perhaps, then, the English of tomorrow is already staring us in the face, and all my exertions are for naught.

However, I once read that it is important to go on caring even when it seems impossible to change things. In this light, increasingly alone though I be, I鈥檇 like to make a closing statement:

Jesus was crucified in a place far removed from Hungary. It was a fractious time in Palestine, but it cannot be said that the occupying Romans sank the hopes of the people for a brighter future.

I feel better now.