'Pain & Gain' never comes to life
It鈥檚 official. Michael Bay, director of the 鈥�Transformers鈥� clobberfests, knows how to make movies about humans, too. The problem is, he thinks humans are robots.
鈥淧ain & Gain鈥� is about a trio of knuckleheaded Miami bodybuilders who kidnap a loudmouthed millionaire and take him for everything he鈥檚 got, but its resemblance to the 鈥淭ransformers鈥� movies is patently obvious. Nobody in it seems to possess a nervous system.
The three beefcakes are played by Mark Wahlberg, Dwayne Johnson (he doesn鈥檛 go by The Rock anymore 鈥� pity) and Anthony Mackie. Tony Shalhoub is the nattery Colombian-Jewish kidnapee who, Rasputin-like, refuses to die despite the knuckleheads鈥� every effort to put him asunder.
All this is apparently based on a true story. Just in case we thought things were getting too outlandish, Bay at one point helpfully flashes on the screen, 鈥淭his is still a true story.鈥�
Maybe so, but nothing in this movie seems remotely real. Given how much ultra-gory Tarantino-esque mayhem is on view, maybe that鈥檚 a good thing. Whereas Tarantino mucks about in real-world stuff, like slavery and the Holocaust, Bay at least keeps his gruesomeness firmly planted in never-never land.That鈥檚 not a recommendation, just an observation.
Next up for Bay: 鈥淭ransformers 4.鈥� But didn鈥檛 he just make it? Grade: C (Rated R for bloody violence, crude sexual content, nudity, language throughout and drug use.)
