海角大神

Tucked within my nightstand drawer is a cheap little looking glass that I bought some three decades ago from a souvenir shop at Bellingrath Gardens, a botanical attraction outside of Mobile, Ala.

The trinket means nothing to anyone else, but I keep it as a reminder of a day when I gained a new understanding of my mother, an insight I鈥檝e been using lately in parenting my own son and daughter.

As a new college student in the 1980s, I accompanied my mother on an Alabama road trip to visit my brother, who was serving an Army stint there.聽

On the drive home, as I took my turn behind the wheel, a big rainstorm dampened our progress. It was like steering through a car wash for an hour or so, and my mother, visibly tense, expressed relief that she wasn鈥檛 in the driver鈥檚 seat.

鈥淚鈥檓 glad you鈥檙e driving,鈥� she told me. 鈥淵ou鈥檙e much better at driving in bad weather than I am.鈥�

Her vote of confidence signaled a small but profound shift in our relationship. After years of caring for me, she now fully expected that on this afternoon, I would take care of her.

In ceding a hard task to me, my mother seemed stronger in my eyes that day, not weaker. A typically strong and confident woman, she was simply showing the self-assurance required to pass some personal authority my way 鈥� and acknowledge that in a challenging situation, she didn鈥檛 have to be in the literal or figurative driving seat.

In a scene that would have seemed overwritten if it hadn鈥檛 actually happened, the sky cleared and the sun beamed just as a billboard beckoned us to Bellingrath Gardens. Walking the flowered paths that day, I felt as if I had stepped into some new territory of maturity, beginning the journey that, many years later, would lead me into the deeper but spiritually rewarding challenges of caring for my mother as she aged.

All of this came to mind a couple of weeks ago as our family spent a summer vacation in rural North Carolina. Will, my 13-year-old son, asked if we could go kayaking along the New River. As a middle-aged man with a paunch and poor athletic skills, I made a poor kayaking candidate. But the river was only knee-deep and the current very mild, so I knew the only thing harmed if we capsized would be my personal pride.

Thanks to Boy Scout camps, Will鈥檚 a pretty seasoned kayaker, so we rented a two-man vessel that allowed him to keep close tabs on his dad. We鈥檇 barely entered the river when our kayak ran aground on a bed of rocks. Many years of parenthood have conditioned me to take the lead in solving family problems, but before I could move to free us, Will motioned for me to be still. 鈥淛ust stay put, Dad,鈥� he told me calmly. 鈥淚 know what to do.鈥�

Nimble as a ninja, he leapt from the kayak, shoved it free, then resumed his seat and continued paddling us up the river.

Remembering my mother鈥檚 long-ago example, I ceded the captain鈥檚 chair to Will. 鈥淵ou鈥檙e very good at this, son,鈥� I told him. 鈥淚鈥檒l let you direct from here.鈥�

He had his work cut out for him. We hit a few more rocks that morning, and even tipped over a couple of times. In each instance, Will sorted things out and kept us going.

鈥淚鈥檓 sorry that you鈥檙e having to work so hard,鈥� I told Will at one point. 鈥淵ou would have had more fun with a skilled partner on board.鈥�

鈥淥h, no,鈥� he responded. 鈥淓verything that happened today made it fun.鈥�

What Will was feeling, I think, was what I had sensed on that Alabama drive decades earlier. And I think he respected me for admitting my limitations 鈥� and acknowledging his strengths. I鈥檝e had a similar evolution while driving with my 18-year-old daughter, Eve. I now know that she has a much keener sense of direction than I do, so I leave the navigation to her.

This kind of power-sharing can be hard for parents. 鈥淜ing Lear鈥� looms as our culture鈥檚 cautionary tale about what can happen when a father acknowledges that he鈥檚 no longer the supreme authority on all matters large and small.

But there are rewards, too, in empowering our children to develop and use talents that just might transcend our own.

I call these opportunities my Bellingrath moments, and I鈥檓 trying to see them 鈥� and embrace them.