Time to tweak the 'golden rule'
鈥淒o unto others as you would have them do unto you.鈥�
This 鈥済olden rule鈥� might sound like a great way to live, but in terms of a personal leadership mantra, it turns out that it might lead you astray.
When our parents or grandparents reminded us to treat others the way we would want to be treated, they were probably reminding us about things like not being mean, not speaking behind our friends鈥� backs, or holding the door for someone coming in behind us. But what this phrase overlooks is that in a lot of nuanced ways, OTHERS don鈥檛 necessarily want to be treated how WE want to be treated.
I鈥檓 part of something called the聽, and as part of the process, we go through a range of leadership training, including personality and working styles tests. Ever since I started managing people, I have loved learning about different working styles, be that through the聽聽tests, or the Four Seasons personality test. Working through these things as a group always reminds me that the things I want and the way I would want to be treated are not necessarily the ways others want to be treated.
For example, when we first did the Myers-Briggs test for our whole team at聽,聽an organization I helped found in Cambodia, we realized that half of our team were Myers-Briggs 鈥淛鈥漵 (those who 鈥渏udged鈥� their time and planned ahead 鈥� in our team they were the ones who labeled things, planned ahead, and always seemed organized) and the other half were 鈥�P鈥漵 (those who 鈥減erceived鈥� their time and needs as they went along, often figuring things out on the fly 鈥� in our team, they were the ones always adjusting their schedule on the fly, were comfortable with change, often packed a lot into their sometimes disorganized schedule, and were more likely to be procrastinators).
As we had two refrigerators in our office at the time, we thought we would do a little experiment. We labeled one the 鈥淛鈥� fridge and the other the 鈥淧鈥� fridge and had those who associated themselves with each of those types use their designated fridge. What we found was that everyone was happier: The "J"s all had their own shelves labeled with their names, their fridge was always clean and organized, and everyone kept track of their own food. The P fridge often got a little smelly, and few people really remembered whose food was whose anyway, but no one got upset if someone ate their grapes. Both groups were treated how they usually treated others, and by looking at how different the two fridges became, both groups realized that not everyone saw the world or treated others in the same way.
I鈥檝e seen cultural differences also break down the 鈥淒o unto others鈥� mantra. For example, when working in Asia, I slowly learned that being direct about a problem was a faux pas. It was not rare that another member of my team would tell me that 鈥渟o and so鈥� had a problem. At first, I was annoyed: I would think, 鈥淲hy wouldn鈥檛 that person tell me directly if they wanted a vacation, or a raise, or if they had a problem they were worried about?鈥� How I wanted to be treated was to be told directly, but it turns out my directness ran counter to the cultural norms of my Cambodian and Japanese co-workers, and after I worked in each place for a few years, I began to realize that the correct mantra would be:
鈥淒o unto others as THEY would want to be treated.鈥�
In order to do that, we need to find out how the others would want be treated, and even before that, we need to embrace the fact that our way of seeing the world isn鈥檛 their way of seeing the world. Through my work in development education and international travel, I think one of the best lessons we learn through our global education experiences is that our own sense of reality is constructed. Our rules of what is right and wrong are not the rules of what is right and wrong, and embracing that realization opens us up to being empathetic toward other ways of approaching life.
So, as we go out into the world and consider the responsibilities that come with our global citizenship, we can thank our grandmothers for the good intentions that fueled their teachings about the "golden rule,鈥� but instead start treating others as 鈥渢hey鈥� would want to be treated. If we all do that, then we鈥檒l still each be treated how we want to be treated in the end anyway, and so will everyone else!
This article originally appeared on the聽聽blog, published by the Start Empathy project from Ashoka.
