海角大神

If what Ask.fm executives reportedly said about the hate messages on Hannah Smith鈥檚 page is true 鈥� and it鈥檚 very likely to be 鈥� those messages were even more symptomatic (and less causative) of her troubles than originally thought (see my聽earlier post).

The social media site is reported to have told investigators that 鈥�98%鈥� of the hate messages she received came from her own IP address, meaning her own computer,聽. In other words, if true, this was another example of digital self-harm.

鈥楧igital self-harm鈥�

. Her blog post on the subject聽highlights how crucial it is to respond calmly not reflexively, and really listen to our kids, when harassment happens in social media.

The listening is vital for two reasons: getting to the bottom of what really happened (in the offline context and social circle as well as online) and helping the targeted child heal.

More on that in a moment, but first a little background: Ask.fm isn鈥檛 the first social media company to report this.

Formspring.me 鈥� now rebranded Spring.me but still an older, US-based version of Ask.fm with its anonymity and Q&A format 鈥� contacted Ms. Boyd back then because of its abuse-reporting team鈥檚 discovery that kids were posting abusive messages to themselves in that site. , Boyd relates her own learning process in working through the evidence of this emotional self-harm with Formspring.

聽Takeaways for parents

As I聽, I was struck by how helpful Boyd鈥檚 takeaways could be to parents of children who are being hurt online, whether by themselves or others, and I wish all parents of social media users worldwide could 鈥渉ear鈥� this:

"Supporting your daughter or son is not simply about finding the bully and prosecuting them or about going after their parents. Teens who are the victims of bullying 鈥� whether by a stranger, a peer, or themselves 鈥� are often in need of support, love, validation, and, most of all, healthy attention. I can鈥檛 tell you how many teens I鈥檝e met who鈥檝e been bullied by people at school who then turn to tell me about how their parents are absent 鈥� physically, mentally, or emotionally. And how often I hear teens complain about their parents trying to 鈥榝ix鈥� things by getting involved in all the wrong ways. Ways that make the dynamics around bullying so much worse."

Why seizing control doesn鈥檛 usually help

This is a big reason researchers give for children鈥檚 underreporting of online harassment (): that the reaction of the adults they report to could make the harassment or social marginalization of the target worse.

By summarily taking control of the situation without listening to and involving the targeted child, adults are doing the exact opposite of what that child needs 鈥� to regain his or her dignity or self-respect and get back some sense of the control that鈥檚 been lost in a situation that may鈥檝e been unfolding for some time (and we all know the danger of acting on assumptions).

鈥淎s a parent,鈥� said author, educator, and parent Rosalind Wiseman, 鈥渨hat I want you to say to your child is [something like], 鈥業鈥檓 so sorry this happened to you; thank you聽so聽much for coming and telling me鈥� 鈥� because your kid is taking a risk to tell you about this. Most of the time they think that going to an adult will make it worse.聽Then聽you say, 鈥榓nd together we鈥檙e going to work on this, we are going to think through how we can do this so you can feel that you鈥檝e got some control over a situation where your control has been taken away from you.鈥�

Wiseman said that in a 2010 podcast by her fellow author, educator, and parent Annie Fox (see聽).

That self-harm in聽Web sites聽might be about loss of control too is borne out in an interesting comment by user 鈥渜uinn鈥� below , someone who sounds like he knows what he鈥檚 writing about: 鈥淚t might have something to do with self-criticism as defense measure: [as in] 鈥榠f I鈥檝e already said everything horrible that can be said, no one can use those things to hurt me鈥� 鈥� a teenage version of 鈥榶ou can鈥檛 fire me, I quit鈥�.鈥�

Listening can lead to healing

Young people themselves say being listened to helps.

A milestone survey by the聽聽in 2010 found that students who鈥檝e been targeted by bullying feel what helps most is to be heard and acknowledged, by peers or adults.

The three responses 鈥渓ikely to lead to things getting better for the [targeted] student than to things getting worse鈥� were 鈥渓istened to me,鈥� 鈥済ave me advice,鈥� and 鈥渃hecked in with me afterwards to see if the behavior stopped.鈥� Coming in at a notably distant 4th, interestingly, was 鈥渒ept up increased adult supervision for some time.鈥�

From peers, the top three were 鈥淪pent time with me,鈥� 鈥淭alked to me,鈥� and 鈥淗elped me get away.鈥�

The study鈥檚 authors, Charisse Nixon and Stan Davis, wrote that 鈥減ositive peer actions were strikingly more likely to be rated more helpful than were positive self actions or positive adult actions.鈥�

When our children are suffering, we naturally want to stop the hurt as fast as possible, and so we want to reject complexity and find quick fixes or formulaic solutions. The thing is, though, there is no formula 鈥� every digital harassment case is as individual as the people involved 鈥� and to slow down and listen, rather than act reflexively, may actually be the fix, or a big part of it. If not, it鈥檚 what children are asking for, and at the very least it demonstrates our respect for them and helps them process what happened, learn from it, and regain the sense of dignity they lost.

Maybe that鈥檚聽why聽they want to be heard.

海角大神 has assembled a diverse group of the best family and parenting bloggers out there. Our contributing and guest bloggers are not employed or directed by the Monitor, and the views expressed are the bloggers' own, as is responsibility for the content of their blogs. Anne Collier blogs at聽