海角大神

Over the 15-or-so years I鈥檝e been covering family technology, I鈥檝e noticed a kind of siege mentality developed among parents about kids鈥� use of digital media.

Then, a few years ago, when sociology professor David Finkelhor at the University of New Hampshire gave his milestone talk, 鈥�,鈥� I heard him offer the most plausible reason I鈥檇 heard or seen yet for what he called this 鈥渏uvenoia鈥� 鈥� 鈥渢he exaggerated fear about the influence of social change on youth鈥� 鈥� that had developed around children鈥檚 seemingly unprecedented and uncontrollable exposure to a diversity of values and influences not our own.

Not helping was awareness of our children鈥檚 delight in and comfort level with the media and technologies enabling that exposure (鈥榮 where I wrote about that), a comfort level many of us had not ourselves reached.

24/7 exposure to somebody else鈥檚 values

鈥淰irtually every parent from every station in life,鈥� Dr. Finkelhor said, 鈥渟ees him or herself as raising children in opposition to the common culture. Parents feel undermined by it 鈥� pitted, depending on their point of view, against consumerism, secularism, sexual licentiousness, government regulation, violence, junk food, public schools, religious and racial bigotry鈥�. Of course the Internet is one of the institutions that increased the diversity of that exposure, and this leads to a constant anxiety about [children's exposure to] external threats鈥� to their family鈥檚 values.

The professor hypothesized that this siege mentality has grown over the millennia as we鈥檝e gotten further and further away from tribal society, where the tribe reinforced the values parents taught their children.

I鈥檝e been working this problem for a long time, and up until now, about all I could think of to suggest to fellow parents besides getting informed about digital media and 鈥� much more important 鈥� playing and talking with their kids in the media they love.

I felt that, by focusing on the kids, the tools they love, and the facts (the research about the kid-media nexus), other parents might see what I鈥檝e seen with my own kids: that their experiences in and with digital media are about 99% positive or neutral but, when not, can be worked through because mostly about people and parenting (I鈥檇 come to see that the context of those experiences in media was mostly home and school and the rest of offline life and sociality, not so much the media).

鈥楳yself, my family, our story鈥�

Now, however, I think I鈥檝e stumbled upon a missing piece to the equation 鈥� and it has even less to do with technology than my own antidote.

In a by parent and author Bruce Feiler about his own family and research, I read that 鈥渢he last few years have seen stunning breakthroughs [from a number of fields] in knowledge about how to make families, along with other groups, work more effectively,鈥� and it鈥檚 not just unplugging (see聽).

鈥淒evelop[ing] a strong family narrative,鈥� Feiler discovered 鈥� helping our kids know who and where they came from with those family-history stories and little rituals (some of the best are the hokiest) clans develop together 鈥� helping our children have a sense of family history, is one of the best things parents can do to help them develop self-esteem, resilience, identity, and all the other good things that sustain safety, mental health, and good relationships online and offline.

鈥淭he more children knew about their family鈥檚 history, the stronger their sense of control over their lives, the higher their self-esteem and the more successfully they believed their families functioned,鈥� Feiler says psychologists have found. Think about the safety that ensures.

More focus needed on internal protections

Probably because the online safety field believed risk and safety were somehow all about technology, its messaging has always been weighted way too much on the side of聽external聽tools for kids鈥� well being 鈥� filtering and monitoring software, parental control, abuse reporting, school rules, laws. What about the resilience, confidence, empathy, moral compass 鈥� the聽internal聽protections 鈥� that help them deal with challenges and connect with others successfully for the rest of their lives, the 鈥渢ools鈥� more important than ever in a networked world?

Way back in 2008 a聽聽found that a child鈥檚 psychosocial makeup and home and school environments were better predictors of online risk than any technology a child uses.

So there鈥檚 something really substantial, now, for concerned parents to go on: Know that neither your child鈥檚 inner strength nor your influence can be swamped by technology and that, even if you believe they can be, there鈥檚 something you can do about it 鈥� as well as something you can do to reinforce healthy child development.

You can help your children know themselves better by knowing 鈥渢hey belong to something bigger than themselves 鈥� the best single predictor of children鈥檚 emotional health and happiness,鈥� Feiler wrote.

When you think about it, we haven鈥檛 actually lost that ancient tribal support David Finkelhor referred to in his 2010 talk. We鈥檙e building on it as we work toward a better balance between internal and external protection for children and families.

海角大神 has assembled a diverse group of the best family and parenting bloggers out there. Our contributing and guest bloggers are not employed or directed by the Monitor, and the views expressed are the bloggers' own, as is responsibility for the content of their blogs. Anne Collier blogs at聽