Joan Rivers and April Fools: Teach your kids the difference between funny and hurtful
Society encourages wicked little untruths to make fools of others on April Fools' Day for the sake of a laugh, but attacks comedian Joan Rivers for telling the unvarnished truth and hurting the feelings of wealthy public figures. Today is a good day to take a moment to examine the mixed messages we send children about truth, it鈥檚 temporary suspension, and when jokes go too far.
This is the day, April Fools' Day, when little kids try to pass off Cheerios as 鈥淒onut Seeds鈥� and foolish employees lose their jobs because they thought it hilarious to advertise the boss鈥� job in the local newspaper. It鈥檚 what I like to call Judgment Day, as in good or bad, your judgment is put to the test. It鈥檚 also an important day to fine tune parenting on truth, lies, and what鈥檚 not funny and why.
For Ms. Rivers, and comedians in general, Judgment Day is every day because they judge the world and their remarks either make us laugh, or want to throttle them. Dealing with very young kids isn鈥檛 so very different from working with comedians because kids are straight shooters and hilarity often is the result.
I recently stumbled across three vital questions, first asked by comedian Craig Ferguson, that I now聽ask myself regularly in order to keep out of trouble. I keep a printed copy taped beside my computer, by the phone, and on the white board in the kitchen. Yes, I need it that much and so do my kids.
It reads:
Does this need to be said?
Does this need to be said聽by me?
Does this need to be said by me,聽right now?鈥�
For comedians, the answer is always a resounding 鈥淵es!鈥� to all three questions. For kids, we need to tell them that the answer will generally be, 鈥淣ope.鈥� Now I鈥檒l tell you why that is.
Art Linkletter made his early career by asking children basic questions and getting funny, honest, politically incorrect answers on the show 鈥淜ids Say the Darndest Things.鈥� Yet, we really don鈥檛 celebrate honesty when a child tells grandma on the phone, 鈥淚 really don鈥檛 feel like talking to you right now because I鈥檇 rather play with the cat.鈥�
I was raised in New York City under the code of, 鈥淚f you can鈥檛 say something nice, don鈥檛 say anything at all.鈥� However, I now live in the South where you can verbally kill someone with kindness and a smile. As author Isaac Goldberg once said, 鈥淒iplomacy is to do and say the nastiest things in the nicest way.鈥澛犅�
Of course, the vital difference here is the intent of what鈥檚 said. Is it mean, or does it mean well?聽Rivers has always claimed her japes are well intentioned and that the celebrity victims aren鈥檛 bothered by the attacks. That seems unlikely. Maybe they鈥檙e just聽telling that socially correct little white lie and need to tell the truth about how celebrity bullying makes them feel.
It really does become a vicious social lie-cycle as people hide the truth about hurt feelings in order to avoid further conflict with the one inflicting the emotional pain. If you are a celebrity and someone says you鈥檙e 鈥渇at鈥� and justifies it by adding that your wealth and celebrity make you 鈥渇air game,鈥� perhaps it鈥檚 time to let the truth set you and others free. What is the real tangible difference between a kid in the school yard calling a girl 鈥渇atso鈥� versus one wealthy celebrity doing so to another?
When my neighbor, also my doctor, sees me out jogging and says, 鈥淕ood to see you finally addressing the weight issue. Good for you!鈥� she gets points for honesty, but now I jog in the other direction, away from her house. That actually happened.聽Ultimately though, I know the doc means well and since I鈥檓 her sole audience, I take it in stride. In fact I stride a聽bit harder, and it makes it that much easier to avoid the next donut.
I love Adele and wince every time Rivers skewers her or anyone else on weight issues. I鈥檓 not laughing, but I聽must admit she鈥檚 telling the truth, even if it is with what feels like a malevolent spin.
Rivers is called 鈥渕ean,鈥� but when you take a closer look, she鈥檚 being just as shockingly, flatly rational, and straight in her observations as聽any child.
鈥淢om, that kid on TV told his mom she鈥檚 fat,鈥� My son Quin, 9, said with indignation. 鈥淚 would never tell you that even if you are fat now because it would hurt your feelings. That鈥檚 why I never tell you.鈥� That little feel-good moment happened over a month ago, but it was both unforgettable and motivational.聽聽
Quin, while unintentionally funny, is not seeking a career on the stage and needs the three question聽guide so people outside our home don鈥檛 think he鈥檚 being intentionally unpleasant.
On the one hand,聽I like it that comics don鈥檛 have a three-question axiom, because I think there's a place for聽honest people who annoy us with their candor, keep it real, and get us to lighten up.聽While we may dislike honesty about our body image, it is necessary in small doses.
Just watching Rivers and her daughter Melissa, on their We TV reality show 鈥淛oan & Melissa: Joan Knows best?鈥� gives insight into a no-holds-barred approach to parenting, grand parenting, and life in general. Rivers is true to her own unvarnished style with her own family.
We get angry at Rivers and those like her because they tell us the Emperor has no clothes, or that the ones they鈥檙e wearing make them look like something the cat dragged in. And in doing so they remind us just how much we like to fool ourselves and others.
What Rivers really does is work toward freeing us of聽our lying addiction with a spoonful of lemon rather than sugar. Hearing the truth isn't always sweet, yet it does make others laugh when we make a face at the bitter taste.
Rivers forces us to recognize and deal with that truth through the lens of humor.聽Reality check: That鈥檚 what comedians do, but perhaps as society has evolved, we are outgrowing the pleasure we once took in meanness.
When the host of HLN鈥檚 Showbiz Tonight took her to task about making a Holocaust joke about an Oscar night dress worn by Heidi Klum, Rivers, who is of Jewish ancestry聽as was her late husband, answered, 鈥淭hat鈥檚 how we get through life. If you laugh you can deal with it. Done!鈥�
In the final analysis we get the same conclusion that comedian Steve Martin came to in the movie "Cheaper by the Dozen" when his daughter pulls a nasty prank on Ashton Kutcher鈥檚 character by soaking his underwear in meat and then releasing the dog on him. 鈥淔unny, but wrong!鈥�
