海角大神

One of the bedrock principles of my happiness project is that I can鈥檛 change anyone but myself. It鈥檚 so easy to imagine that I鈥檇 be happier if only other people would behave properly, but I can鈥檛 assign resolutions to anyone but myself.

I firmly believe this, yet I did decide to try something that runs completely contrary to this very sound Gretchen-only rule. I proposed a family resolution to give warm greetings and farewells.

When our two daughters were little, they鈥檇 greet me and my husband with wild enthusiasm whenever we walked in the door, and often cried miserably when we left. Nowadays, they sometimes barely looked up from their own games or homework or books when we walked in or out. It was a relief, in a way, but also a little sad. And too often, my husband and I didn鈥檛 give warm greetings or farewells, either.

I love my resolution to hug more, kiss more, touch more. It takes no extra time, energy, or money, and it makes a big difference in the atmosphere of my apartment. To build on that resolution, I wanted family members to feel acknowledged and welcomed, every time they walked through the door.

Over Sunday pancakes, I posed a question: 鈥淚f you could make a resolution for everyone in the family, what would it be?鈥�

My husband answered without hesitation. 鈥淚 do whatever I want, while the rest of the family cleans up the apartment and runs errands.鈥�

鈥淭hat鈥檚 a thought,鈥� I said drily. 鈥淣ext?鈥�

My older daughter said, 鈥淲e鈥檇 have different things for breakfast during the week, like eggs, instead of just cereal or peanut butter on toast.鈥�

鈥淲e could do that,鈥� I said. 鈥淚 didn鈥檛 know you wanted anything else.鈥� Then I turned to my younger daughter. 鈥淒o you have a suggestion?鈥�

鈥淧eople would always give me a big hug and a big kiss every time they saw me. And I would go to State News to buy a toy whenever I want.鈥�

鈥淲ell, I want to propose something,鈥� I said. 鈥淚t鈥檚 a lot like the first part of that suggestion. I want us to have the rule that when any one of us comes home, or is leaving, we all have to pay attention to that person for a minute. Let鈥檚 give warm greetings and farewells.鈥�

鈥淲hy?鈥� asked my daughter.

鈥淟et鈥檚 show more affection and attention for each other. I know that I鈥檓 bad about this, myself. It鈥檚 hard to be interrupted when you鈥檙e in the middle of something, but this is important.鈥�

Everyone agreed good-naturedly with the aim of the resolution to give warm greetings and farewells 鈥� but would we all remember to do it, without nagging? I didn鈥檛 want a resolution meant to boost our feelings of affection to turn into a source of conflict.

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Somewhat to my surprise, we all quickly began to follow this resolution (most of the time). Giving warm greetings and farewell feels like a natural thing to do, and the more we do it, the more it becomes a habit. As a consequence, each day, several times, we have moments of real connection among all members of our family. For instance, instead of letting my older daughter yell, 鈥淚鈥檓 leaving鈥� before she disappears out the door to go to school, I call, 鈥淲ait, wait,鈥� and we all hurry to give her a real hug and a real good-bye.

A small thing, very small 鈥� nevertheless, it makes a real difference. As Benjamin Franklin pointed out, 鈥淗uman Felicity is produc鈥檇 not so much by great Pieces of good Fortune that seldom happen, as by little Advantages that occur every Day.鈥�
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