海角大神

(The following takes place between 13:05 and 13:29. The events occur in real time.)

13:05 Jack Bauer of 鈥�24鈥� fame (aka Kiefer Sutherland) stands at the ticket counter of Air Canada, scrutinizing the airport for possible tourist terrorists. Toronto鈥檚 Pearson International Airport has a Canadian calmness. Yet federal agent Bauer has been part of too many covert operations not to know that the calm comes before the dirty bomb. Ready for action, he looks over his shoulder, checking his blind spot. No one stands directly behind him. He notices a woman out of the corner of his eye who has stopped suddenly, almost colliding with her carry-on bag. She looks klutzy.

I spy Kiefer across the room. He looks like a bush pilot. He is wearing a sage green scarf flung around his neck, contrasting smartly with his tan suede jacket. The scarf makes him stand out. If it is Kiefer, wouldn鈥檛 he want to be incognito? Wouldn鈥檛 he wear dark sunglasses and a fedora? All his fan blogs say it鈥檚 rare to see him in real life. Must not be him.

13:07 Bauer cautiously takes note of the klutzy woman鈥檚 stare, but she doesn鈥檛 approach. The panic passes. He relaxes.

I line up dutifully at Immigration with the other Canadians. The mystery man stands in the American line a short distance away. This time the guys behind me confirm his identity. His name ricochets from one end of the line to the other. People pull out cellphones like they鈥檙e drawing pistols. 鈥淕uess who鈥檚 at the airport with me?鈥� echoes everywhere.

13:10 As he slings his garment bag over his shoulder, Bauer is confident he will be able to get on his flight without being attacked.

I marvel at how polite Canadians are. They allow Kiefer to wander the airport freely. No one mauls him for an autograph. I appreciate this because it gives me time to think of my plan of attack. I circle the Customs area, knowing that he will be headed there next. I step out of line so many times while waiting that I make the security guards nervous.

13:15 The immigration officer takes a long time to examine his passport. Bauer recognizes that his real name, Kiefer William Frederick Dempsey George Rufus Sutherland, is a bit unusual. (What was his famous actor-father, Donald, thinking when he gave him a Scrabble board of names, anyway? Could he not have just done the British thing and called him Donald II?)

What am I thinking? The famed Jack Bauer character, who has saved the world innumerable times, is not going to have to stand in line with the rest of us. Immigration probably has a secret celebrity door to get him to his flight. More likely, Chloe, his computer wunderkind sidekick in the antiterrorism unit, is hacking into federal computers now, getting him his own plane. Maybe that鈥檚 why he is wearing his pilot outfit. Just as I convince myself that my star-gazing moments are over, Kiefer strolls into view again. He is walking and talking with a short, handsome man wearing a black leather jacket. Now I understand. He had been waiting all along for his friend, probably the next costar of the series. I would now be ahead of all my friends, knowing the next big TV celebrity. If I hurry, I can be right behind Kiefer in line.

13:20 Bauer spies the same woman he saw earlier lunging toward him like an alligator at a rib joint. Where is security when you need them? How can I send out a distress code? Bauer takes his cellphone out of its holster and speaks into it in a muffled voice. He hopes this clever diversion will fend her off.

Maybe he sees me coming. He鈥檚 on his cellphone. It鈥檚 different than mine. I always have to shout into my mouthpiece. He whispers so I can鈥檛 hear a word he鈥檚 saying, although I鈥檓 trying. Desperately.
This gives me time to think about how I should start the conversation. Canadians are not known for taking risks, and I don鈥檛 want to ask the wrong question. I鈥檇 like to know how he felt spending time in jail last summer (for drunken driving), but that doesn鈥檛 sound like the right icebreaker. 鈥淵ou won鈥檛 do it again, will you?鈥� This sounds like a mother鈥檚 question, and I want to play down the age difference. Instead I try to act like his Hollywood agent: 鈥淗i, Kiefer, I have something for you,鈥� I say when he finishes his phone call.

13:23 Bauer braces himself. Not another vial of poison. Or worse, is this woman, who is almost old enough to be my mother, going to gush all over me?

I fumble to get a business card out of my back pocket.

13:25 He takes it.

I explain that I had been trying to find a way to contact him. 鈥淢y friend has written the great Canadian novel, 鈥楾he Lightning File.鈥� It鈥檚 about a Toronto journalist who stumbles onto a terrorist plot in Canada.鈥�

13:26 Bauer feigns interest, knowing valuable intelligence often comes in unusual ways.

I emphasize 鈥淐anada,鈥� hoping that might intrigue him. He is, after all, the grandson of the famous Tommy Douglas, a former premier of Saskatchewan. 鈥淚 thought you鈥檇 be perfect for the part.鈥�

13:27 鈥淭hanks, I鈥檒l be sure to look it up,鈥� he says.

I start babbling about how great he is, how surprised I am that he doesn鈥檛 have any bodyguards or PR people with him, how everyone thinks it鈥檚 so cool to see him, even though they aren鈥檛 saying it to his face (more Canadian reserve).

13:28 He smiles.

My knees stop clanking.

13:29 鈥淣ice meeting you. Have a good trip.鈥�

When I find my seat on the 747, I can鈥檛 believe it. The guy next to me is the one Kiefer had been chatting with coming out of Immigration. I鈥檒l get to meet the next costar, after all. Or maybe not. It turns out the guy is just another fan like me.

鈥淲e talked about how unbelievably slow Immigration was,鈥� he says of his encounter with the actor. 鈥淚t was amazing. He was like a regular guy.鈥� Except, perhaps, for all those names.