One man鈥檚 plea to keep hair styles out of politics
While backers of John McCain and Barack Obama trade accusations about perceived policy flip-flops and character flaws, we should all be grateful that no controversy has erupted over anyone鈥檚 hairstyle.
When historians of the future look back on the negative tactics used against John Kerry in the 2004 presidential race, it鈥檚 almost certain they鈥檒l focus on the Swift Boat attacks. I, however, was equally flabbergasted by Kerry-bashers who mocked him as the 鈥渂low-dried candidate.鈥�
With those simple words, an element of personal hygiene was transformed into a cultural war chant. 鈥淏low-dried鈥� became an instant euphemism to describe Americans who were vain, shallow, and narcissistic. It was highly likely such individuals also used mousse. Heck, they were probably saluting the French flag every morning before breakfast.
By now you鈥檝e probably figured out that I鈥檓 part of the blow-dried population, and I refuse to be stigmatized. Those blow-dry critics of 2004 didn鈥檛 care about my feelings. They were political demolition teams, and every time they launched a new salvo, thousands of guys like me ended up as collateral damage.
My blow-dry lifestyle is not wasteful or hedonistic. I drive a modest car. The house is not air-conditioned. I take five-minute showers. And every time I flip on my blow-dryer, the rush of warm air chases away distant memories of bad haircuts and oily grooming products.
For many of us who grew up in the pre-Vidal-Sassoon era, attitudes about hair drying were heavily influenced by the Lennon Sisters. In addition to their work on 鈥淭he Lawrence Welk Show,鈥� the sisters appeared in TV commercials singing a memorable jingle (to the tune of 鈥淎ll Around the Mulberry Bush鈥�):
鈥淭his is the way we dry our hair, dry our hair, dry our hair.
This is the way we dry our hair, with the Universal dryer!鈥�
The machine came in a small carrying case and included a plastic hood with a hole on one side where you attached a hose. My family owned one, and I used it a few times, with unsatisfactory results. However, I did discover that using the hose by itself to blow air against my head seemed promising.
But the Universal dryer didn鈥檛 include multiple speeds. The air came out at a modest rate. It had all the power of a chipmunk running on a treadmill.
It was an age of limited options for male hairstyles. My school photos display that reality with embarrassing clarity.
Thankfully, technology marched on. We sent men to the moon. Blow-dryers became available to the general public. For me, there鈥檚 no going back.
If anyone in the McCain or Obama camps is tempted to start a tangle over the use of a household appliance, I鈥檇 suggest vacuum cleaners. The bag versus bagless question has plenty of room for energetic debate.
鈥� Jeffrey Shaffer writes humor from Portland, Ore.
