海角大神

Before Sarah and I began our financial turnaround, we largely avoided talking about money issues. We鈥檇 talk a bit about basic things that we聽had聽to talk about, like making sure bills were paid, but in terms of seriously evaluating long-term goals and how we were spending our money, we聽just didn鈥檛 talk about it.

贵谤补苍办濒测,听it was easier聽not聽to talk about it聽and, as with much of life, the path of least resistance won out.

Eventually, we came to a financial crossroads.聽We began to have some difficulty paying our bills and we eventually realized that we needed to make some changes to how we used our money.

At first, though,聽we argued a lot about money.聽We were in a tough spot. We weren鈥檛 close to the nebulous goals that we had talked about. In fact, we were pretty far from them. Even worse, neither one of us wanted to take much blame for the problem. I think we both felt some private guilt for the situation we were in, but neither one of us wanted to admit that guilt to the other party.聽

It was a perfect recipe for arguments.

How did we get past it, then? For us,聽success in discussing financial issues came down to setting a few ground rules.

The first one 鈥� and this is the biggest one 鈥� is simply to聽constantly remind ourselves that the person sitting across from the table is a human being.聽Humans make mistakes. Humans strive for better things, but don鈥檛 always achieve them. Humans have desires and wants and feelings. Humans aren鈥檛 perfect. Humans don鈥檛 always do what others want them to do. Humans wish to be understood and accepted and loved by others, even when they mess up.

The person that you鈥檙e sitting across the table from has pride and regret and dreams, just like you do. They might not match exactly what yours are, but they鈥檙e real nonetheless.

This is a mental trick that goes a long way toward piercing through anger and disappointment, particularly toward someone you love.

The second one is that聽whenever you bring up a flaw you see in the other person, bring up a flaw in yourself or don鈥檛 mention it.

When someone comes to the table with a litany of things that you鈥檝e done wrong, it can feel very much like an attack. When you feel attacked, you鈥檙e going to respond with either fight (you get angry) or flight (you shut it out). Neither outcome is good for a healthy discussion.

So, how does this work? Before we have any really deep money discussions, we put some thought in before the talk. We sit down, make some notes about what we want to say, and work through things beforehand. Part of that is a聽requirement聽that we self-analyze and look for our own mistakes as well.

It鈥檚 awfully hard to come to the table as an inquisitor when you鈥檙e holding a long list of your own mistakes.

Note that you don鈥檛 necessarily have to keep this purely within money mistakes. Often, overspending and other financial errors are tied to other aspects of marital life, even in ways you don鈥檛 initially see. Don鈥檛 be afraid to bring your own mistakes in other areas to the table.

It can also help reinforce the first tactic. By making a list of your own mistakes, it becomes easier to realize you鈥檙e not perfect either and that helps you relate more to the person across the table that you鈥檙e seeing flaws in.

Remember, this isn鈥檛 a trick so that you can compare your 鈥渟mall鈥� mistakes to your partner鈥檚 鈥渉uge鈥� mistakes. The point is that you鈥檙e both human, you both make mistakes, and you鈥檙e going to work through fixing those mistakes together by mutually reinforcing each other toward better habits.

A final tactic:聽if you鈥檙e going to mention numbers or 鈥渇acts,鈥� do your homework first.聽Never, ever,聽everbring up a number or a figure that you can鈥檛 immediately back up with detailed evidence.

If you鈥檙e going to talk about credit card debt, have credit card statements at the ready. If you鈥檙e going to talk about mutual overspending, have that credit card statement itemized in advance.

Remember, though,聽you need to bring your own mistakes to the table, too.聽This means showing your partner the places where you鈥檝e made poor decisions, even if it鈥檚 painful.

These three tactics have helped Sarah and I navigate some very difficult discussions in the past without letting our emotions get the better of us. When you humanize your partner聽and聽you humanize yourself, it鈥檚 hard to get incredibly angry.

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