Us: Americans Talk About Love
Whatever form love takes, it is always fascinating to dissect. Alongside death, love is surely the most 颅obsessed-over subject in the history of literature and poetry.
In his new anthology, Us: Americans Talk About Love, editor John Bowe takes the pulse of American experiences of love won and lost 鈥� from teenagers to octogenarians, and across the socioeconomic and geographic spectra. Unlike the typical anthology filled with essays by familiar authors, 鈥淯s鈥� offers love stories by nonliterary types, told in their own voices.
In the book鈥檚 preface, Bowe writes that this oral history 鈥渁ims as an ensemble to do justice to the array of voices in our country, celebrating their earnestness, openness, optimism, vulgarity, humor, religiosity, sexuality, and generosity.鈥� He began each interview with the same simple question: 鈥淧lease tell me about the person whom you have loved the most.鈥� The responses he elicited are rich and varied and startling.
Although Bowe claims to have no special expertise on the subject, he鈥檚 quite articulate in describing love鈥檚 endlessly surprising nature: 鈥淎t the heart of the compact between two lovers is mystery code that, for anyone else, reads as kabbala-like, indecipherable gibberish. And yet, for the lovers, it鈥檚 transformative, life-affirming, redeeming. It could well be a ghost. It doesn鈥檛 matter a bit.鈥�
Love can begin with a mutual spark at first sight. Or, as in the case of 36-year-old New Yorker Jordan Perl, it can be a meandering, confusing road. He recounts his undergraduate years at Yale, when he was fixated on a close friend, Rebecca, who obdurately refused to move their relationship into romantic territory. (She also had a number of other avid suitors.) He persisted; she ultimately realized her feelings for him, and they have been married for 12 years. 鈥淸T]he fact that it took so long might be the reason why we ended up together,鈥� he says. 鈥淚t鈥檚 really been the key to our long-term happiness.鈥�
Jack Babineaux of Louisiana has a rather Forrest Gump-like perspective on love, seeing it as 鈥渢wo people each reaching for the French fries at the bottom of the McDonald鈥檚 bag 鈥� one of them is going to let the other one have it. That鈥檚 love.鈥�
San Antonio teenager Celia Menendez shares her hilariously succinct take on a former boyfriend: 鈥淚 guess the best way to describe us is like Crystal Pepsi. Like, we were this really, really great idea. And then it didn鈥檛 really work out.鈥�
For others, a relationship lasts but demands unfathomable tests of strength. 鈥淚t got to the point where I was asking God for the strength to get through the day because I did not know whether or not my wife was going to be alive when I got home,鈥� says Steven Hager of Colorado, married for 21 years. After his wife suffered an accident, the pain left her suicidally depressed, and she tried to kill herself with a shotgun before he intercepted her (on more than one occasion).
There are stories of grief. Kathy Barrett, a 72-year-old widow from Vermont, recalls her idyllic marriage to Bob: 鈥淥n most major issues, we thought alike, and if it was minor issues, we didn鈥檛 bother arguing,鈥� she says. 鈥淲e were both Roman Catholics, we believed in the tenets of our faith. I really think there鈥檚 a spiritual side to love.鈥� He died of a heart attack eight years after their wedding, and she never wanted to be with anyone else. 鈥淚 know what I had for the time I had it,鈥� she says.
In his preface, Bowe explains that 鈥淯s鈥� makes no attempt to offer a grand, sweeping statement on its subject. He notes that many people show their best selves in love, while others are at their most monstrous 鈥� and no matter what, so many marriages in America end in divorce. Still, he discovered some instructive elements among those who have achieved 鈥渟uccessful鈥� love, which Bowe defines as 鈥渁 series of simple actions, performed repeatedly in various forms: listen, affirm, accept, support, commit, share, be honest, forgive.鈥� There鈥檚 nothing sexy or exciting about that, but it works.
One of the book鈥檚 most inspiring love stories is the longest-lasting marriage featured in 鈥淯s鈥�: 65 years, although Fred White and his wife, Helen, from Mission, Kan., have actually been together for 71 years 鈥� since junior high school.
鈥淪he was quite a doll, and I didn鈥檛 want anybody else,鈥� says Mr. White. 鈥淭hat鈥檚 the way it was. I鈥檝e got good taste!鈥�
Now 86 years old (with a 62-year-old son), White admits that the duration of his happy marriage is extraordinary, but he believes it is possible for anyone. 鈥淚 don鈥檛 have a lot of advice,鈥� he says. 鈥淭rue love exists. If you make it. It鈥檚 a true thing if you make it.鈥�
Carmela Ciuraru is the author of several anthologies, including 鈥淧oems for America.鈥� She is writing a nonfiction book for HarperCollins.
