Marry Him
Looking for Mr. Right? You鈥檙e probably doing it all wrong.
At least, this is Lori Gottlieb鈥檚 message in Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough. If the title sounds familiar to you, it鈥檚 probably because you heard it back in February 2008, when Gottlieb鈥檚 identically titled article appeared in The Atlantic.
The controversial article documented Gottlieb鈥檚 loneliness and regret at entering her 40s a single mom with no inkling of romantic prospects. She addressed a message to single women everywhere: Stop looking for Mr. Perfect and settle for less while you still can.
Gottlieb鈥檚 message struck a nerve and prompted a firestorm of response. From The Today Show to CBS News to The Economist, it seemed everyone was writing in with an opinion. While some related to Gottlieb鈥檚 unsettling message, many found fault with her undeveloped argument. It didn鈥檛 help that the article鈥檚 caustic and sarcastic tone distanced the women it was meant to reach. People wondered: Was Gottlieb just desperate? Man-crazy? Completely off her rocker?
With a second chance (and 300+ pages) to plead her case, Gottlieb redeems herself.
Where Gottlieb鈥檚 article was harsh and incomplete, her book is friendly and persuasive. Where the former seemed bitter, the latter is endearing. (Even her wistful dedication is charming: 鈥淔or my husband, whoever you are.鈥�) As a book, 鈥淢arry Him鈥� delves more deeply into Gottlieb鈥檚 search for love and clarifies her message: Women need to be more open-minded and realistic when it comes to love.
It seems that even after Gottlieb鈥檚 Atlantic article, she needed her own dose of realism. Her book starts with a list of the 61 characteristics she used to look for in a mate. (鈥淲arm but not clingy,鈥� 鈥淥ver 5鈥�10鈥� but under 6鈥�0鈥�,鈥� and 鈥淣ot moody鈥� all made the list.) For the most part, nothing on her list seems entirely unreasonable, but the number and inflexibility of her requirements worried Gottlieb. Wondering whether she鈥檇 been so insistent on 鈥渁n instant spark and a checklist鈥� that she forgotten what really mattered in a mate, Gottlieb set out to find the answer in 鈥淢arry Him.鈥�
In her search, Gottlieb seems to cover everything, from her own issues (鈥淚 had a classic Cinderella complex鈥�) to how feminism helped create unrealistic expectations (鈥淲hich is exactly how many of us empowered ourselves out of a good mate鈥�) to where economics and business fit in to your love story (read: everywhere).
Gottlieb easily weaves these topics into her own experiences: from speed dating to online dating to dating coaches, she becomes our 鈥渄ating guinea pig.鈥�
Throughout 鈥淢arry Him,鈥� she acts as the reader鈥檚 stand in 鈥� a devil鈥檚 advocate for her own argument. She shows that she understands settling for 鈥淢r. Good Enough鈥� in real life is not only a lot harder than it sounds on paper, but that it goes against the beliefs and attitudes most of us have been practicing throughout our lives.
In fact, Gottlieb cleverly structures 鈥淢arry Him鈥� so that the reader gets on board the Good Enough train several chapters before she realizes that she has. Even though you may creep through the beginning of 鈥淢arry Him鈥� with indignation, you鈥檒l soon be wondering why Gottlieb is holding you up at the station. When she finally decides to (literally) let go of her 61-requirement list, we cheer her decision and smile as she contemplates sending it to a sorority 鈥渁s a cautionary tale.鈥�
It is not just Gottlieb鈥檚 tone and guinea pig status that make her so convincing. It is the seemingly endless list of studies, stats, and experts that she quotes.
Gottlieb鈥檚 Atlantic essay might have been hard to swallow when she seemed like the only dissenting voice at our raging girl-power party, but 鈥淢arry Him鈥� makes room for many voices that support her claims. From matchmakers to psychiatrists to sociologists to economists to friends, family, and strangers, it鈥檚 this chorus that finally sways us.
That鈥檚 not to say that 鈥淢arry Him鈥� doesn鈥檛 have its faults. As Gottlieb fights to answer the question, 鈥淗ow much compromise is too much compromise?鈥� she repeats herself. And the many different ways that 鈥淢arry Him鈥� manages to say, 鈥淏e more realistic!鈥� might have you screaming 鈥淥kay! I get it!鈥� Also, by the end of the book, it seems as if Gottlieb has written a few too many lists 鈥� although fortunately they are all far under the 61-characteristic limit. In addition, while almost all of 鈥淢arry Him鈥� feels like a well-conceived and convincing argument on how to find a more realistic Mr. Right, its end is too preachy.
Yet despite its faults, 鈥淢arry Him鈥� is worth your time. You might be skeptical, but if you鈥檝e ever sought your own Prince Charming, nixed a guy because you didn鈥檛 feel an immediate spark, been attracted to the 鈥渂ad boy,鈥� or found yourself expecting perfection, this book is for you. After you read this honest and admittedly unsettling book, your love life will never be the same again. And that鈥檚 a good thing.
Kate Vander Wiede is a freelance writer in Boston.
