The Girls from Ames
Jeffrey Zaslow knew he had stumbled on a hot topic when he wrote a column about women鈥檚 friendships for The Wall Street Journal. Almost immediately, hundreds of e-mails began pouring in from women eager to share stories about their own longtime friends.
One respondent, Jenny Litchman, described the extraordinary 40-year bond she has shared with 10 girls since they were children in Ames, Iowa. So intriguing was her three-paragraph message that Zaslow eventually took a year鈥檚 leave of absence to chronicle their story.
His book, The Girls From Ames, stands as a moving testament to the power and importance of female relationships. Now in their mid-40s, these women exemplify universal truths about friendship, portrayed in the context of a Midwestern coming-of-age story set in simpler times.
Bravely, the friends allowed Zaslow to join them for a four-day reunion in North Carolina. They shared old photos and scrapbooks. They gave him access to letters, diaries, and notes they passed in class. They also let him listen to their conversations. This treasure trove enabled him to follow the trajectory of their lives, individually and collectively, from childhood to adulthood.
Their connections began early. Karla and Jenny met as 4-year-olds at Barbara Jean鈥檚 Academy of Dance. Cathy, Sally, and Sheila attended kindergarten together. Most of the rest joined the group in junior high, swelling their ranks to 11.
As teenagers in Ames, a college town of 53,000, the girls took summer jobs detasseling corn and scooping ice cream at Boyd鈥檚, an ice cream shop with a big plastic cow in front. They joined classmates in cornfields for keg parties. They made their first fumbling forays into the world of teenage romance. Although they sometimes tested parental authority, they remained true to the rural values of family and hard work that surrounded them.
After college, as they settled into jobs in eight states, they were periodically drawn together by major events 鈥� marriages, births, divorces, deaths. One girl, Sheila, died under mysterious circumstances in Chicago when she was 22. Several have buried parents and siblings. And when Karla鈥檚 teenage daughter became seriously ill, the friends provided unwavering support.
Today all but one have married. They are parents of 21 children. Three of the women are at-home mothers. Three are teachers.
Jenny serves as an assistant dean at a university. Angela owns a public relations firm. Diana, once a CPA, works at Starbucks. Cathy is a makeup artist in Los Angeles.
Among their ground rules: Don鈥檛 brag about husbands鈥� jobs or incomes. Don鈥檛 gloat about children鈥檚 achievements. Make every effort to be with each other for key events. In addition, Zaslow observes, 鈥淎mes girls learned early that the way to keep female friendships alive was to listen and talk, in that order.鈥�
The women enjoy other friends, too, of course. But as Zaslow notes, 鈥渢hese more recent friendships are built mostly around their kids, their jobs, or their current neighborhoods. The bonds are limited to the here and now, and memory hardly exists.鈥�
By contrast, the Ames girls share a lifetime of memories. As Cathy puts it, 鈥淲ith the other girls, there鈥檚 an understanding you don鈥檛 have to explain.鈥� Marilyn also finds comfort in knowing that 鈥渢here鈥檚 a group of people I can turn to at any moment in my life, and they鈥檒l be my safety net.鈥�
That safety net benefits families as well. Studies show that women with strong friendships often have closer marriages. 鈥淭hey don鈥檛 burden husbands with all of their emotional needs,鈥� Zaslow explains.
By middle age, he adds, many women have a clear sense that their friendships with women may be among the longest-lasting relationships of their lives. There are 12 million divorced women in the United States and another 12 million widows.
Men鈥檚 relationships take different forms. 鈥淢en tend to build friendships until about age 30, but there鈥檚 often a steady falloff after that,鈥� Zaslow states. 鈥淢en鈥檚 friendships tend to be based more on activities than emotions. They connect through sports, work, poker, politics.... Women talk. Men do things together.... Women鈥檚 friendships are face to face, while men鈥檚 friendships are side by side.鈥�
Calling e-mail a great gift to many women鈥檚 friendships, Zaslow notes that the Ames girls鈥� bonds are strengthened by 鈥渞eply all鈥� messages to the group.
Several of their mothers have also kept in close touch with longtime friends. As Cathy鈥檚 mother told her, 鈥淢en come and go, but you can have girlfriends forever.鈥�
Although Zaslow鈥檚 presence sometimes created tension, the women鈥檚 willingness to open their lives to him serves as a gift to readers. It shows not only the rich rewards of sustained relationships but also the slights and jealousies that can temporarily threaten bonds.
Keeping the 11 girls straight is hard at times. And their stories, filtered through Zaslow鈥檚 journalistic pen, lose some of the impact a first-person account might have had. Still, Zaslow鈥檚 portrayal serves as an engaging reminder of the well-worn maxim, 鈥淢ake new friends but keep the old. One is silver and the other gold.鈥�
Marilyn Gardner is a Monitor staff writer.
